Thanksgiving

Well, it was really just another Thanksgiving. I meant to bring a candle to light in your memory, but I forgot in all the chaos of trying to get out the door with kids & food. *sigh* It was like any other Thanksgiving. Lots of food, lots of visiting with your family & lots of laughs. I heard stories about you... only the kind of stories people would tell knowing you would never be around to tell your side of the story. They were funny, though. I sure miss you... Thanksgiving was never a huge deal with us, so I'm not sure the lack of your presence affected me the way I thought it would. Christmas, on the other hand, is going to be hard and I know it. Anyways, I guess I'm going to look at gift options for the kids since today is Black Friday. I've sworn off shopping unless I know for sure something is in stock that is a MUST have. Kevin is here, so that is nice. Ashley was here yesterday with Matt & Colton, and that was nice, too. It was almost like having our family back together, except without Lexi and you. I love you! Wishing you were here... 

Love Forever,
~Lisa

Good Gawd...

The ups & downs of trying to be "responsibly intoxicated":
1. Being able to drive yourself home after 2 shots of tequila & 2 tall strong drinks... after not drinking for 3+ weeks.
2. Being able to drink water & not take it any further... accompanied with not doing this very often, and years of earlier experience?
3. Stopping at the gas station on the way home for smokes, being not sober enough to drive and having 3 cop cars sitting there... getting in your car & saying to yourself "Ha! Take that!" to the 'pigs' in the rearview mirror while crankin' 'Fuck Da Police' by N.W.A., while waiting for an obviously broken new traffic light... 10 min. with no cross traffic??? REALLY?!?!.. and finally "blowing it" and going anyways (with 3 said cops in the rearview), and saying "Eff it" while wailing burst-your-eardrums Alice In Chains on the radio.
4. Being able to coherently type this status at 2 AM.

The cons?:
5. Not being able to find a sober cab.
6. Being flirted with by a "so so" guy, to soon realize he is flirting with EVERYONE... and the attractive people being unavailable or unknown.
7. Not being true to ones's self.
8. All of the above and pure 'luck'.
9. The tears that flow as I type.

A day in the life... luckily not one that happens  very often, and risky choices at worst,  and most likely won't happen again - TOO much chance for me. But, now that I'm home safe & sound in my bed, all is well and I shall sleep well. Did I have other options? Yes. Did I make poor choices? Yes. Could things have been worse? MUCH MORE SO. Night is done, and these are the situations that occurred and went through my mind, Point is, would have been MUCH easier as a couple and one or the other being a D.D. I won't do it again...  can say that much. And yes, I was fucking LUCKY as hell!!! Not bragging. Stating facts.

All this? In case anyone was wondering.

Oh dear...

Hello, My Love,

     I know I haven't written in a while... I've been a kind of zombie haze over the past 2 weeks for some reason. I think all of the fun had in October made the bore of November that much more stark in comparison. While things are looking up in fairness (regarding  your estate) for all our kids, I am in a rut. I need MY mechanic now more than ever... and just need you.
     Everything that could go wrong with my car has... amongst other things with your remaining vehicles. Having to rely on the kindness & generosity of your mechanic friends has begun to wear on me. I'm constantly concerned about money, and not wanting to "pester" your friends for help... and everything seems to be going wrong at once.
     The burdens of this house have become too much for me to bear. I should be packing, and repairing things... cleaning it up since I've found out I'll be losing it sooner than later now with the impending short sale. I have no clue where I'll go, or what I'll do. It's all just too much for me to think about or be bothered with.
     There's a guy that likes me, and I went on a date with him. It was a dud... and now he wants to see me again. I'm not excited about it & really would just rather not. He's sweet, smart & MUCH younger than me... but I'm just not "feeling it". I should take advantage, since I have no one else. But, I won't... I've lost interest for the most part. Nobody compares to you... I doubt anyone ever will. But the loneliness really SUCKS.
     The holidays are nearing. I am thankful your mom called to invite us over for Thanksgiving. I was worried I'd have to start a new tradition. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are still up in the air. Nobody has money to come down here (aside from my mom), and my car won't make it up there. :( Anyways... they're gonna suck. I'll try to make them NOT suck for the kids' sake.
     I don't have much else to report or say. This was our planned wedding time... shack time... hunting time. I'm doing none of those things, as much as I'd love to, but they've been weighing heavily on my mind since November began. NOBODY went to the shack this year, and I can't go alone... not that my car would make it. I wanted to spread some ashes there, and just relax & reflect. Maybe later... </3

Much Love,
~Lisa
   

Half a year...

Where has the time gone? I know it doesn't matter to anyone but me, but your kids & everyone else is posting today about it being 6 months. The 1st was 6 months. :( Yes, you were revived and brought back and then gone again on the 3rd. But were you REALLY there for those 2.5 days? I don't know... I just know my nightmare began on the first, and I watched you die twice. I don't think anyone realizes what the first was like, at home. The only one who really knows is Jody... and the EMTs of course. For me, it's better to think of the first as THE day... then I don't have to think about the time spent in the hospital with you, the ups & downs or you not looking like you... the chaos of it all. It is easier for me to accept that when you collapsed & I caught you falling off the couch so you wouldn't hit your head was it. Walking talking & fine one minute, and gone the next. Poof! It's just easier that way. I don't tell the kids or many other people that it was really May 1st, and I'm sure people think I am weird or dumb whenever I post or say anything about the first being "the" day, but unless they ask, I'll just leave things be as they are. *sigh*

I stayed busy ALL month during October. Halloween was a little hard, because you were so much more patient than me taking Franki trick-or-treating. I just wanted it done & over with... she lasted an hour, then we came home. I dressed up as a zombie twice for various events. Went to many events & scary attractions (that weren't really scary). The best was the Mounds Theatre haunted tour. I had hoped you'd follow me & maybe I'd see or hear you through their equipment, but I didn't. I did feel & hear some things, though. Now my plan is to get my own equipment. Maybe it's hokey, and you know I'm a skeptic, but I'll try anything just to hear or contact you somehow. I hope to also find a REAL medium someday who might be able to help me... us? I was told by my stepmom that you are distancing yourself on purpose, so that I won't be so hung up on you & can move on easier... that sounds like bullshit to me. I think I'm doing better than most women in my position have done. And why would you tell or show her that and not me... or anyone else for that matter? Another friend (in Canada whom I've never met) claims you were talking to her one night. Some things seemed legit, but most of it made no sense to me at all. I just don't know what to believe... I want to believe you are here in spirit, but need something more convincing to happen. :(

November is upon us. We would have been married this month... last year, this year, next year... who knows for sure. I thought after the chaos of October had ended, I'd have a little peace and time to reflect. Nope! I want nothing more than to be up at the shack and spread some of your ashes there, and lie in the bed we shared, hike the trails we explored together, eat venison & remember you with the guys. But, that won't happen this year... nobody is there. Nobody plans to go there. I can't do it alone, and it's not a place for the kids. :( I could just cry. My plan for the last 6 months has to go up there as we had planned, and leave a little bit of you there, and reflect upon everything... and now those plans have been squashed. I could go on my own, but I don't know how to run the generator, start the oven, or anything else that one would need to know. *kicking self for not being more independent* Oh well, some things are just out of my control. Maybe next year...

I know my posts have been less frequent than before, and as much as I want to blog & have a record of EVERYTHING, when I am busy, it's hard to find the time or know what to say. I think of you always, but I can't possibly jot down every little thought. You are eternally on my mind and in my heart, and if you are truly here, I hope you know that. I miss you. <3

Forever Yours,
~Lisa

Sometimes

Sometimes, I think it's better if I don't think of you. Other times, I need a little reminder of what "having it made" means. Sometimes, I get in a mood... the kind of mood you would have loved. Tonight, I was in one of these moods... and simultaneously went looking through photos. I'm not sure if it was a good idea, or a bad one. I remembered the things we did together behind closed doors. I remember how sexy I always thought you were. And then I cried. We always had that chemistry. Yeah, I see guys I think are hot, but it's not the same. You always looked at me with longing, loving eyes, regardless of how shitty I looked on any given day. I see couples fighting & drama, and think how glad I am that we never had that... and dread future relationships in fear of that drama. You set the bar. But, when I looked at your photos tonight, I wished that there were more of US. And I think of how unfair it is that whatever forces took you from me. You were my world. I feel lost. I can look at other guys, talk to other guys, make plans with other guys, but I never follow through because I am scared... and I feel like it's "cheating". :( I just want you back. I know that is unrealistic, but can't you come to me in my dreams? Or haunt me as a ghost? ANYTHING. I need answers... and closure. How will I ever look at anyone like I looked at you? And even more puzzling, how will ANY person look at me like you? PLEASE... everyone knows I'm a skeptic, but I want more than anything right now to believe. People say you are here with me... why can't I feel you? </3 Have you moved on to better things? Or are you simply gone? Is all I'll ever have is memories? Are memories enough?

Yours Forever,
~Lisa

5 Months Already?

Well, I don't know where the time has gone. Some days it feels like forever ago, and others feel like it was just yesterday. Time sure is funny, though.

It's been 5 months (actually more) since we last spoke, since he last touched me, kissed me, said he loved me, called me beautiful, made me laugh, enjoyed a good dinner, made love, held hands, went shopping, etc. 5 months... not even half a year. It does seem like a LONG time, though. The most time we ever spent away from each other was a week.

I've been keeping busy, trying to prevent the loneliness hitting me like a ton of bricks. Concerts, Halloween outings, bar nights with family, yard cleanup, bonfires, movies, etc. It hasn't been as bad as I'd expected, though. I am sleeping in our bed for over a week now, and have only cried twice. I cuddle with my pillows & blankies, and it helps comfort me. I feel like I took our relationship for granted. Nobody knows how wonderful & precious moments spent with your soulmate really are... until they are gone. *POOF* I miss all of it... even the not so great moments, because at least we were together. I don't think we ever had "bad" times, except for when it involved our kids, but it was never between the two of us.

The death of a soulmate is not the same as any other death I've experienced. With all the others, it wasn't the same closeness or intimacy level... I never lived with anyone for 10+ years who died. :*( I loved my Grandma & Grandpa who died, but they weren't young and we saw it coming with Gramma. My uncles were great, but I really only saw them a few times a year at family get togethers. We were closer when I was young, but that seems to be an earlier, almost forgotten chapter in my life. This was just too sudden. No time for goodbyes or I love yous... and totally unfair.

We've all seen obese elderly people smoking like chimneys, and so many jerks who live life on the edge... why couldn't this have happened to them? People say Frank's heart attack was because he smoked, or because of his cholesterol levels, or because of his poor (but much enjoyed) eating habits. If that were the case, how come so many people who do so much worse are still here? I'd prefer to think that it was because it was meant to be & predetermined from a very early age. He was a preemie in the early 70s... not as much medical knowledge or know how as there is in this day & age. He weighed only a pound at times, and they almost lost him in those first couple of months... touch & go the whole time. He had pneumonia quite often as a child & teenager. As a young adult, he had a collapsed lung. In the time that I was blessed with in his life, he had mysterious (undiagnosed) shingles type illnesses & weird reactions to sunlight every spring. Three years before the heart attack, he was told he was in a pre-diabetic state... research told us that within 5 years there was a 95% probability that it would turn into diabetes, regardless of precautions. Maybe he had diabetes & we just were blind to the symptoms. Maybe he felt unwell, but was too much of a man to say anything. He always said he knew he would die young, but he was thinking somewhere between 60 and 70. We were robbed of 20 - 30 years then. :( Just the preemie issues would probably be enough to shorten his lifespan, but they didn't say that back then... or maybe they did, but only in the circles of the medical profession. We'll never know for sure I guess, but to blame it on smoking or diet seems ridiculous. I'm sure those things contributed, but they weren't solely responsible for what happened. He enjoyed life in a clean & respectable way. He was never fat and was always fit from being a mechanic for 20 years. Anyways...

I know everyone & everything says he died on May 3rd... but really? It was May 1st. :( I was there... they brought him back. I didn't know it when it happened, but that IS what really happened. I watched him die twice, and I really HATE the D word. Time to research an alternative (and poetic) euphemism for "death". *cringe*

Now what?

Your birthday came & went with a few tears shed.
Now my birthday is here. I wonder what it will bring? 

I can't help but feel nostalgic & wistful. Our birthdays
were 8 days apart, and we were always all together
as a family. I don't feel like celebrating, and I doubt
I will get any invites to do anything as it is... yet I don't
want to be alone. The loneliness is unbearable...

Tonight, while changing in the bedroom, I spotted an
odd object on the floor, behind your big angel. It was
not there yesterday when I was looking in the mirror,
and as anal as my mother is about cleaning, there's no
way she would have missed it either. Upon further in-
spection, I realized it was a gun lock... with the key
hanging out of it. My initial reaction was "What the
hell?!?" I played with it for a while, trying to figure out
how it worked. My next thought, which I said out loud
to Morgan was "I think Frank's fucking with me!" and
I showed it to her & explained what it was and where
I found it. My last thought before putting it down were
disturbing thoughts... like maybe it was a sign, or that
maybe if you did put it there, maybe you'd like me to
join you in the afterlife or the in-between (if they even
exist). My head hurts thinking about it. I could never
do that & leave our kids orphans. My heart hurts even
worse at the thought of how that would turn out. I just
could NEVER do any such thing. But I can't help but
wonder where it came from, and why it was in the mid-
dle of our floor...

Anyways, I'm off to bed now. I'm sure I'll wake up to
hundreds of birthday wishes on my facebook wall, and
honestly, I could care less. NOT interested. I would
just as soon skip tomorrow all together. :'( The only
thing I want is you back in my life. </3

Wake Me Up When September Ends,

~Lisa

Party

Well, our party went all day & all night. It was nice to see your dad, aunts, uncle & cousin. I wish Robyn & your mom could have come, but Robyn had plans in advance & your mom didn't feel like celebrating. All your kids were here, and a few friends from work & the good ole days came as well.

Prior to the party, I picked up two custom cakes, one for Franki & one for you... on the way home, Pink Floyd's 'Wish You Were Here' came on the radio. I cried a little bit... what a fitting thing to think of at the time.

We had a fire, and when it was dark, we decided to light up some sky lanterns (Chinese Wishing Lanterns) and the one Ashley let go, landed on a neighbors roof. Kevin saved the day & jumped the fence to go tell them, but nobody answered the door... so he found their hose in their yard & put it out. LOL! There's never a dull moment around here. Are you playing jokes on us? Hmm...

Anyways, I really do wish you were here. I miss everything we used to do, even if it was nothing at all, at least we had each other & were together. :( Life is lonely now. Friends don't look at me or treat me the same as they used to. Family (aside from my own) only come around for special events... don't call or write or stop by. It's sad. Anyways...

Today Ashley is moving out & in with her new boyfriend. I hope things work out, but I don't think he is "the one" for her... but what do I know? We were always just "dumb" parents who didn't know anything. *sigh*

I love you... miss you... wish you were here. I am back in our bedroom, and back in my bed. Only one night spent there alone, though... Sheri was here this weekend & shared it with me. Tonight will be night 2 alone in it. I've rearranged the bedroom, though... trying to make it "different" and new. My mom cleaned it for me... I started on it weeks ago, but am very slow (as we always were). It's nice. Sleeps 4 - 6 with 2 Queen beds. I could have a sit-in... like the dirty hippie that I am. XD

Forever,
~Lisa

Forever Forty

Happy Birthday, my love. I love you & miss you and am trying hard to NOT think of this situation, but it's REALLY hard. Our baby girl turns 10... her first birthday without her dear daddy to share it with. I can't help but shed a few tears for our broken family. </3

So much hurt, so many tears...

I'm guessing all the tears that have fallen just over the past week could easily fill a pint sized mason jar. I don't know why... nothing I can think of has triggered this immense grief. My heart hurts... even thought I was having a heart attack & went into the ER on Labor Day. It wasn't... not sure if it was a panic attack or anxiety or the PTSD, but it seemed to come out of nowhere. I've been taking more & more Xanax each day, which helps a LITTLE, but not enough.

Today I thought about "moving on" again... and then just burst into tears out of guilt, shame & knowing deep down that nobody could EVER love me like Frank did. EVER. But, I am SO fucking lonely. So I go through old photos & slideshows and see that beautiful face, those piercing blue eyes, see how happy we were and realize how much I want to TOUCH him & feel him again... just hear him say "I love you" or call me "honey" or "baby" or see him smile at me, and I find myself sobbing so hard, I'm bordering on hyperventilating. Of course, I can't do this around kids... and now that they're back in school, I'll have MUCH more time to spend with myself & call out the ghost of Frank that never shows his face or makes a peep. So tired of crying... it's not really a release. Crying makes me feel like shit... literally SICK. I hate it. And I hate feeling "weak"... 'cause let's face it, nobody's gonna come save me or even bother to help me!!!

People act like they care, say that they care, seem genuinely concerned... but then NEVER call, never email or message, never stop by. If I make an effort to go see people he knew & considered friends, it's always awkward. So, I'm not going to bother anymore. I give up. If people truly cared, they'd be there... check in... invite me out. So what if it's weird or uncomfortable to be around me? Fucking pretend! That's how I get through each day (most of the time). And if I break down or cry? So what? I have every right & it's normal. Whatever, though... if you can't take me as I am now, then you're not worth my time or effort. Period. I am saddened that those people that Frank loved, liked & cared about have all but disappeared. I wonder how disappointed he'd be if he were watching all this unfold? Everyone has moved on in their lives... people are making plans, dating, getting engaged, having babies, working... but nobody is burying anyone they love & everyone else seems to have stopped grieving, so I really have nothing in common with anyone anymore. On one hand it says & shows who loved him the most & most deeply on ANY level... on the other hand, I can't comprehend anyone NOT loving him (or his family) enough, so then I get pissed about how much time Frank wasted on other people... the people who only called when they needed vehicular advice, or their cars fixed or some other chore... fuck 'em all (even if they are family - family doesn't mean the same to them as it does to me & my family). All that time wasted on THEM, could have been spent with me & OUR family. What a waste. It almost makes me want to vomit. So yeah... I'm hurt & angry, and have every right to be.

My heart hurts. Even if there is nothing wrong with it, it hurts like hell. I see a photo of him, or hear a certain song or have some memory, and my heart LITERALLY feels like it does a somersault. Today a song by Avenged Sevenfold came on the radio... something I had heard before, had no interest in & never paid attention to (a song that normally prompts me to change the station)... and it made me cry. Was it a sad song? Not particularly. I don't know why... some word or emotion in it got me going. THEN... when I was done with that little private drama, a few minutes later a new Black Keys song came on. Frank LOVED the Black Keys. This song was probably never heard by Frank... but it was different, but distinctly Black Keys. It had a dark tone, and while I'm not a HUGE fan of this band, it also made me cry. Frank would have loved it, and something about it was sad... or something. 

Here's the two songs...
The Black Keys is a ROCK song (which is where I always
hear it - on 93X), but not until about 2 minutes into it:

And here's the dumb A7X song that made me weep. WTF?

Dear Frank,
I really wish you were here & I could talk to you. You'd have the answers I need, and our youngest & I wouldn't feel so effing abandoned & alone. :'( None of this is fair, and feelings are hurt. Yes, I know what YOU wanted... but it doesn't seem to make a difference what your intentions were. I'll never forget, though. I'll make sure nobody forgets. If things don't happen as they should, and people don't do what is RIGHT, I'll be sure to let Franki know when she is old enough to understand EXACTLY how you wanted things done & what you had planned. It's pretty ironic (and disgusting) that EVERYONE who was close to you knows what you wanted... it's all in the paperwork & straight from the mouth of your financial advisor, but because you never saw the letter, because that dumb fuck didn't have the paperwork with him when he met with you, not only will it NOT happen the way you wanted it, your own daughter, your youngest, will be disincluded, too?!?! *SO FUCKING PISSED* So, something to the tune of 20K (or more) is going to go into the hands of one kid now (who is already making FOOLISH and impulsive decisions), and 2 more when they are 18... but not Franki Jade!!!

I love you with all my heart, and I love all our kids & our family, but if they cut Franki out of what was RIGHTFULLY hers, it is pretty much the same as saying she wasn't really your daughter, and if that happens, they can all kiss my ass. And when she asks me when she's older why she never saw them, I'll be sure to tell her... and I'll show her the forms you had filled out, and what you wanted, and how everyone went against it so she'll know it wasn't YOU.

I just want you back. These things wouldn't even be happening if you were still here. I'm thankful for every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year that I had with you, but it just wasn't enough. Franki, Morgan and I are being cast out & forgotten by your family, your friends & anyone who mattered. I hate feeling worthless, and you always made me feel loved and important. </3

Missing You Terribly,
~Lisa

Profound Lyrical Content

How did I love you? There was no measuring...
Far above this dirty world, far above everything.

But for seven years (more like eleven), you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns around your feet
For seven years (again, eleven), I bowed down to touch the ground,
so wholly your devotee

You were all that I could see

~Natalie Merchant, 7 years

Empty spaces fill me up with holes

Distant faces with no place left to go

Without you within me I can't find no rest

Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I tried to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on

But I am swimming in an ocean all alone

Baby, my baby

I'd try to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go

I don’t wanna make you face this world alone

I wanna let you go (alone)

I'd try to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

~Backstreet Boys, Incomplete

*Exhale*

I find myself more & more lonely, even though I've been spending more & more time with family & friends. I don't get it. I understand this is normal, but I HATE it with a passion!!!

I've decided (kind of anyways) that I NEED someone... I need a companion. I do not want a boyfriend or a lover or anything of that sort, but I crave companionship & adult conversation. Nobody will ever replace Frank... EVER, and I would never even want that. Frank IS/WAS my soulmate, and I know I will never feel differently. But, I meet people... I know people... not many friends outside of my old friends who live far away, but it's not the same. I've met men, and said "Oh they're cute!" but have NO desire to pursue ANYTHING with any of them. Judging by how I am treated by other "friends" and acquaintances, it's like I have the plague and people just avoid me. While I realize it might be awkward for these "friends" to be around or talk to or call or visit me, I am still a human being!!! I am hurt by the actions (or lack thereof) by our so-called "friends" and "family". So, obviously I need to make new "friends"... friends with something in common with me.

I'll admit, I HAVE met some guys while out & about. However, they were fucking downright CREEPY. When they outright asked me WHY I wasn't interested in them or WHY I didn't think they were "cute" I blurted out "I'm a fucking widow." Well, I've found that THAT little statement pretty much scares them away! I guess it is good for SOMETHING... ? :S On the other hand, when telling people "a little about myself" and bringing up Frank, I get the same reaction... from people I'd genuinely be interested in getting to know better! WTH?

I hope that when I finally join the young widows & widowers support group, that everything will change and I will actually meet people that have something in common with me. Only a few more weeks...

School starts soon, and I think the loneliness will REALLY set in. I've got companion personal ads out there, but still seem to attract sex fiends & creepers. At least I find out right away & can block them and move on. So far, everyone seems WEIRD or fake. I find it hard to believe that it's SO hard to meet decent people online... after all, it's EXACTLY how Frank and I came to be (in a round about way)!!! *sigh*

The worst part is the physical wants & needs. I know they, too, are "normal". But when I feel them, I feel guilty... like a cheater! And that's just THINKING! I worry that if I DID meet someone or acted upon some primal desire, I would end up in tears... or just walk away & never look back. I know that would freak a person out as well. Is it weird to want to look for a friend, with the possibility of benefits, but no desire for a LTR or "love" and actually spell that out to people? I find that honesty is the best policy, but I still feel like a freak for saying, thinking & feeling the things I do. :( Maybe I should consider myself lucky that I can rid my body of these "urges" in 30 seconds or less... although, I still end up crying like a bitch afterwards for whatever reason... or maybe multiple reasons? Who knows... maybe I am really losing my marbles.

Everything I read says everything I am feeling & going through is normal. I don't want to be "normal". I just want to be loved... in the way that ONLY Frank ever loved me. </3

These feelings...

I wish I could control them, but I simply cannot. The benefit brought in enough funds to keep us here for a couple or a few more months, depending on how things go. The money is put away safely JUST for house payments.

My next biggest worry is trying to raise & save enough money for a proper memorial/marker. Of course, I want only the best for you and the most affordable one that seems like a realistic goal is $3,500. The one I REALLY wanted was $30,000. O_o

I'm trying to get cars in shape for whenever something is decided about what to do with them. Of course, I'd like to keep them all... I feel like they're the few pieces of YOU that I have left to hang onto. I leave your socks under the couch & our bedroom is the disaster that it always was... I just don't sleep there anymore, and can't bring myself to go through & sort things. :'(

I can't stop thinking of dates... past dates, present dates & future dates. All of the could've, should've, would'ves just break my heart. On April 22, just a week and a day before this nightmare began, we went to Fleet Farm & you bought a new battery for the lawnmower... but you never even got to mow it. We renewed our fishing licenses, but you never got to throw the line again. Your birthday is swiftly approaching, along with our youngest child's, and I just can't BEAR to think how that might turn out. She has already said that she wants a half & half cake... half for her, half for you. </3 She'll be 10 already... you'd be 41.

I got my first tattoo since the dragon symbol you bought for me 5, 8 years ago? It's an infinity symbol with your name & "love" written into it. It's not the last one that I will get in your memory... it's just a matter of money & time.

I keep hearing these songs on the radio, that make me think of you... they aren't or weren't even songs we liked or had, but they trigger the tears... Colby Callait's 'I Never Told You' lyrics "I miss those blue eyes. how you kiss me at night, I miss the way we sleep, like there's no sunrise,  like the taste of your smile, I miss the way we breathe... *insert some other words here*... and now I miss everything about you..." and that one by Pink, 'Who Knew?' "I'll keep you locked in my head, until we meet again... if someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out, 'cause they're all wrong, and that last kiss, I'll cherish, until we meet again, and time makes it harder, I wish I could remember, but I keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep, my darling, who knew, my darling, I miss you, who knew... " </3

Some of our children have been selfish & rotten lately. If I try to state things or just inform them of some important fact that could be life altering, I am cut off and the subject is rudely changed, and I am ignored. If I try to be in control, make plans to do something, I am told they are disincluding themselves, even though they are NOT adults. I don't think wanting a week (or even a month) away from Lakeville is too much to ask, especially with school creeping up on us, just around the corner. I need my family. They are the ONLY ones who give two shits. I didn't inherit your friends, or they are not the kind of friends I had hoped for. They loved you... I was part of the package deal. Now you're gone, and oh well to everyone we know. No calls to see how I am doing, no visits to just say hi, no messages of encouragement on facebook or email... It hurts. I feel like everyone has someone to go to, to lean on, and I have NOBODY. I had you. There was never a backup plan, and why would I plan for something like this? I have never felt more unloved, lonesome  & disconnected from the world than I have this past week. :(

Although I'm not suicidal (I could NEVER do that to my family or children), I do sometimes wonder if I'd be better off dead. I wish I had gone instead of you. I wonder what the point of everything is, and see NO meaning in life aside from making sure our youngest child turns out okay. You were the better half of us. I'm empty, hollow, half the person I was a few months ago. I don't know who I am, and I honestly feel like I am NOTHING without you. I never was a great mom, but I tried. I feel like the only thing I was ever good at was doing things with or being with you. I've honestly forgotten most of my life before I met you, aside from a bunch of meaningless relationships (if you could even call them that) and partying a lot. Our relationship was awesome, and we never fought. Most people couldn't be so lucky. I cherish & treasure that, and honestly feel that everyone should be jealous of what we had (have?). That doesn't mean that I don't have any regrets... no chance to say goodbye, no time to do all the things we planned to do & never got to do (yet), and now I just don't want to do anything. I've considered drinking away my sorrows like a lot of people do, but that doesn't work for me... I feel even more lonely. *sigh*

Anyways, I needed to purge. I guess this will always be the way I try to connect or put my feelings into words, as long as I can type. Trying to say them out loud leaves me a blubbering fool. I cry in front of my therapist, but not really in front of anyone else. I'm a phony & a fake... and I hate myself and my life.

If you are reading this, or reading my mind as I am typing, and truly are beside us, it'd be super awesome if you could knock some common sense & selflessness into our oldest girls. I KNOW you would be disappointed & disgusted with their behavior as of late, and I've said that out loud to their faces. Unfortunately, it hasn't changed a damn thing. It's like since I've been alone, they'll just do whatever they want. I am just a powerless nobody.

I love you. Always have. Always will. Forever & ever until the end of time, times infinity and beyond. Words will NEVER be able to completely express my love for you.

XOXO,
~Lisa 

Dear Frank,

WHERE ARE YOU? People have told me you are here with me, but you are distancing yourself so that I can move forward & not hang onto you... and us. :( I don't WANT that right now, and I am not ready for that. I have not yet properly mourned! I haven't seen you in my dreams nor have we spoken in them for many weeks now... so sad. I'm SO lonely without you. I thought after you were gone, maybe I would inherit your friends and family. I was wrong. Nobody calls (except your parents & sister). Nobody emails, or asks how I am doing on facebook. I feel unloved & forgotten... unimportant...

Anyways, after Babe's & your friends dropped the ball with the benefit planning, Fiona, my mom, Robyn, me & the kids picked it up... with less than two weeks before the big event. We pulled it off & I'd say it was a success. I met people who knew you & everyone loved you SO much. It was overwhelming for me, too. I wanted to be a wallflower & just watch how it went, but that didn't happen. As always, I felt like it was my own family who was there for me. I wish every family was like ours... maybe that's why we did more with my family? I think we both got something from them that we never could get anywhere else. For example, I sent a flyer to your grandma and asked that she forward the information onto your aunts & uncles, and your dad knew about it, too. NOBODY showed up except your dad. Your favorite grandpa's family was in St. Paul for a family reunion that same day/weekend, and none of them came by either. I can't understand it at all. Do they not care about your surviving children? They are family, too! I'll just never understand...

PLEASE come to see my & talk to me in my dreams again SOON. Or if you are here, show yourself somehow! I still love you like I did yesterday... and for so many years before. :(

Forever Yours,
~Lisa

Time...

My Dearest Frank,


     Time keeps slipping by, moving slowly at times, and too quickly at others. I've noticed the gaps between my posts & my letters to you get further & further apart. :(
     Today I had a good cry. I met my new therapist (a grief therapist to be exact) today. She was telling me about herself when she said "When I was 35 years old, I lost my husband." I lost it, and it was downhill (or uphill?) from there. She had 6 kids that were "yours, mine & ours". I almost feel like it was fate. I was SO reluctant over the past 2 months to seek therapy because I simply didn't want to talk to 'some stranger' about my problems, someone who couldn't possibly relate and someone I would never see again after I was "healed". Lo and behold, the first one I meet has a LOT in common with me, and can definitely relate. When I was filling out my intake forms, there was a "family history" section, and I had to check one of the following "single, married, divorced, widowed, significant partner or other". I left it blank while I filled out the rest of the form. I am having a hard time labeling myself as a "widow"... but I checked it anyways and then checked the 'other' box and wrote in "soulmate". That struck my therapist somehow, and she commented on it. </3 She said I am dealing with a LOT more than grief. She said I've also been majorly traumatized since I was with you when you truly left us (before EMTs brought you back) and that it is rare to experience a loss like that AND witness it, plus it really happened twice... I don't know if that means I have PTSD or what, but it sounds like it. She became a grief counselor & founded a few grief groups for young widows, children & teens. She, like me, didn't want to join a therapy group that consisted of 80 year old widows, because it just isn't the same. She said WE belong to an exclusive club. I felt like she totally "got" me. Next time we meet, she'll be giving me info & literature on some of these groups that are actually in the area. 
     This past weekend, the kids came to see me for the first time since you've been gone. It was SO nice to have them here! I didn't know how much I'd missed them until they were actually here. I was happy to have them around, but at one point I was struck with sadness when I looked at your son. He was playing video games and totally in 'the zone' and he looked SO much like you... and I NEVER think he looks like you! </3 On Sunday we went to visit your mom. We stayed for a few hours & the kids ate homemade Calico Beans with her. It was nice to get together with her, but my heart just aches for her as well. While I was getting ready to leave, my phone rang. It was your oldest baby girl, and she was crying. Her douchebag boyfriend broke up with her and kicked her out. I went and picked her up, and have been trying to help her get her own affairs in order so that she can become independent & have her son with her as much as possible. I think that independence would empower her as well. She's been here nearly a week, and we've gotten a LOT accomplished. On our way home from your mom's and picking her up, her phone rang and she got good news about a job she'd applied for, so she starts that next week. :) The timing couldn't have been better, and she really needed that little 'pick-me-up'. While I enjoy having her here with me, and treasure our relationship, I cannot support her with the new lifestyle & very limited means. As it is, I don't know how I'm going to pay August's house payment, and I am very discouraged by how the benefit planning is going so far. We have SO little help, no big ticket items, and only 50 people have said they are coming. :'( Everyone loved YOU, Frank... not me, and I see it so clearly now. You helped SO many people out over the years, but I get the feeling I won't be seeing as much help and support as you showed. Not that that's a BAD thing that you were loved and appreciated, but I just feel SO alone and down lately. Anyways... 
     I was in Winton for a week, and got drunk once and realized I should NOT drink at all. I got in a spat with an auntie, and you know how I am when I KNOW I'm right about something. I lost control over something really stupid, but it didn't help with anything. I reacted badly, and in that moment, just wanted to join you. I feel like I have nothing sometimes, and alcohol just intensifies those feelings. :( The next night I only drank water, and the night after that I alternated booze & water as to not get wasted again.
     I had surgery earlier this week, and everything is good news. No cancer in my lady parts, and none in the boobies either - mammogram was last week. Unfortunately, because of my health history and that of my family's, I now have to have paps AND mammos done yearly for the rest of my life. *sigh*
     Physical therapy has been going very well, and I have had very little pain over the past week. I THINK it's the PT, but I suppose it could be the pain meds... maybe a combination of them both? I feel better in general (at least physically). I've lost some weight AND I'm 3/4 of a inch taller than I was a month ago. All that I can credit physical therapy with. I've only had 3 appointments so far, but I've been doing exercises at home as well. I'd like to think that you'd be proud of me, and then I wish I had taken better care of myself all those years together... and vice versa. But, then I think, I would have had even LESS time WITH you, and I always felt like it wasn't enough as it is. :( 
     Last week, I surrendered Waffles back to PNC. It was hard to do since she was so fun, and had made so much progress with us, but it was just too much for me alone. I know she'll find a good home with someone who can appreciate her energy & talent. The day after, I had decided to surrender Leela as well. I had come home from up north, and one of the cats had peed in a circle around my computer chair THREE times. O_o I think it was a big "fuck you for leaving us" kind of thing. Of course, I don't know which one, but with Leela's hairballs & snottiness getting worse & worse, she just seemed like the logical choice. But, the day after giving up Waffles, I came home from an errand and Lynx was visibly in distress. He obviously had a urinary issue and was frozen over the litter box for at least 15 minutes. I contacted Windmill, explained the situation and they offered to foot the bill if I could get him to their vet. It took LOTS of phone calls and we played lots of phone tag before we got him all taken care of, but it was worth it since we caught it so early. I am lucky Windmill is such a great organization and was so willing to help. There's no way I could have afforded another bill for cat pee pee problems (like Lucky) without them. In another week or so, I will contact them again when their entire board of directors is around we will all get together and decide what is in the best interests of the cats. I still think Leela might end up going, though. I just can't deal with the snot & puke anymore. :( It hurts, but we were a team, and I'm only half the person with half the abilities we had when we were together. I just don't have the means or the energy anymore...
     While I was in Ely, I chose a location for our grave markers. I found my ancestor's family plot at the top of the hill with a large lovely tree, and it overlooks a lot of Ely. My great great aunt Frances is there (and her husband Frank), as well as their daughter Frances, my great great grandmother Frances, two more great great aunts (Alice & Tina - you loved their jokes & poems even though you never met them), a great great uncle and a great great aunt who also married a Peterson (but kept her maiden name as well) and died very young... I learned a lot that week. I went to the City Clerk and learned there was room for 4 cremains there, and then I asked permission from my aunts & uncles, and they all said they were fine with it. So we will be joined eternally and memorialized with my ancestors in Ely. I know you loved it there, and since 95% of my family is there, I thought it made sense. Now I just need to save a few grand to buy the perfect marker. I've chosen a bench, which I will have custom engraved, and there is an angel who sits on one end. <3 I know how much you loved angels, and I will always incorporate them into anything remembering you...
     Wow, this is LONG. I had a lot to catch up on & fill you in on. It's been a busy couple of weeks I guess. I've finally broken & am trying to get back up and pick up the pieces of my life, but it's not going to be easy. I dreamed of you the other night. We were in a car (again), and were driving somewhere. It looked like a big city, and before I woke up we were coming up on (or were already crossing) a very long bridge or ramp. I was happy to be with you, and was explaining why you couldn't 'go' just yet, and you needed to stick around for at least a few more days and I was listing all the things we needed to do before it was time. You listened patiently, as was your nature, with that slight closed mouth smile of yours, with your eyes on the road. When I was done talking, you looked at me, and said with warmth and affection that we needed none of that, and that we only needed "this" (as in talking... and driving?). Then I woke up very abruptly and was SO sad (again). I JUST wanted to finish the conversation with you, or talk to you a while longer. My only YOU time is in my dreams now, and I just can't get enough of them. PLEASE, continue to visit me in dreams, and if ghosts exist and you can find the energy (the air conditioner has LOTS), please give me a sign when I am awake that you are here as well. I love you & need you!
     Well, my eyelids are becoming heavy and my legs have already gone to sleep from the pain meds I took a while ago. I need to go to sleep & HOPEFULLY dream of you once again. Goodnight, my love, until we meet again... 

Yours Forever, 
</3 ~Lisa S.
     

I miss you.

Dear Frank,
The fourth of July is drawing near, and I've found myself making plans to go up north. Gramma's memorial service is that weekend as well, so I'm kind of obligated to go. I don't really WANT to go, to be honest. :( I can't remember the last time I was without you on the fourth... before we met, 12 years ago? If it was just the 4th, I wouldn't go. It's that time of month, and you know how hard it is to travel or do anything, so I'm miserable anyways. I haven't slept in two nights in a row (or have gotten less than 3 hours each night), so I'm emotional and cranky. Now I am have to attend yet another sad event. Whose shoulder will I cry on? While I am visiting the cemetery, am I going to be "up to" looking for a plot for us? I'm starting to think my life is just a series of sad & tragic events, and am beginning to wonder what the point of it all is...

Today I cried. TWICE, and hard. I don't know WHY I thought it would be nice to watch the short video from your memorial service, but it really got me worked up. After that, I decided to watch the longer video. *kicking self* So, yeah... I cried some more. Nobody was home, so I just let it all out.

I started thinking of LITTLE things I miss about you.

I miss the way you closed your eyes when you talked on the phone with anyone for any length of time.

I miss the way you'd rub your chin when you'd be talking to someone, and eventually start rubbing from right under your nose to the bottom of your chin, and how I'd make fun of how nobody could understand you when you were doing that, because it sounded like you had a "mouthful of shit".

I miss the way your eyes would glaze over when you were watching TV and VERY into something. You would be oblivious to the world.

I miss the way you'd snap awake when I'd try to take the remote away from you, and would say "I'm watching that!" Or how you'd chuckle or mumble something while watching a show you'd fallen asleep on (for a long time), and act like you knew what was going on... even though you had missed many many minutes.

I miss the jerky little eye movements you'd have when  you were watching TV and your eyes were getting tired. I don't know if it was subconscious or intentional, but it seemed like you were trying to refocus.

I miss you talking in your sleep and how everyone was an "idiot" or "dumbshit" at work, and how MEAN you were to your co-workers and would have to explain to them how something worked. You never said any names, so I'll always wonder who you were so mad at. You always said you never dreamed, but I think you did... you just didn't ever remember them.

I miss you reaching over & groping me, or cornering me in the kitchen for a kiss, when kids were all wide awake and running around... the most INOPPORTUNE times! I think you did it on purpose, so they could see how much we loved each other.

I miss the little sweet things you'd say on a daily basis.

I miss your phone calls everyday after work.

I miss your soft kisses...

I just miss YOU. I feel like I could have been SUCH a better "wife" to you. You were always the better half of me, and everyone knows the world was robbed of the WRONG person. I know it, too. I feel SO much guilt about that... and about many other things, especially the day that you left us...

Anyways, I love you & am constantly thinking of you and missing everything about you. This next week will be hard, but I will try to pull through. If I fail, oh well. I'm only human, and I have a broken heart that hasn't had enough time to heal yet.

Eternally Yours,
~Lisa </3

Weird!

Dear Frank,

     All these weeks have passed since you left us, and I've pretty much had dreamless nights of sleep ever since. I think it was that my mind was shut off & numb to the tragedy of my new reality. In the past week I've dreamed of you TWICE. One was weird, but I woke up crying. The latter was weird, but hilarious and I woke up LITERALLY laughing my ass off, tears & all. Yesterday, I wasn't feeling so good and was laying on the couch trying to nap. I must have started dozing or daydreaming (not sure which), but I had this vision and sensation of being cuddled up behind you, and touching your back... I always marveled at how soft your skin was, when your hands were the complete opposite (due to years of being a mechanic). All of the sudden, the thought came to my mind that it wasn't real, that I would never touch you again, and my heart just stopped and HURT like hell for a few moments. I opened my eyes to find the back of the couch staring back at me instead of your back. :'( 
     Sometimes, I feel like you could walk in the door any moment... like I'm subconsciously hoping this is still just a really long BAD dream. Sometimes, I see your face in a photo, and imagine kissing you goodnight. I touch my lips, and then I realize (again) and the sadness sets in. 
     I find myself wanting to buy you gifts and make things for you. Last night I was looking at matching wedding bands on eBay. Nothing fancy, just something that would last forever... something I could have engraved. I have no clue what I'd do with all these things, but I feel connected to you forever... times infinity... for all eternity. I'd like a wedding band to wear with my engagement ring (which I will NEVER take off), to signify that my heart belongs to you, and always will.
     I wish I knew if you were here or not. I'm still waiting for my "sign". Sometimes I think I feel you, but then it is gone as soon as I feel it. Just once, I'd love to talk to you or feel you cuddled up to me at night... or to feel you kiss me at night. You know I've always been a skeptic about otherworldly matters, but right now I want to believe more than anything! If I were rich, I'd hire a medium or call in the ghost hunters, but alas, I am not. :( Please, help me believe and if you are here, show me somehow! I love you!!!

Forever Yours,
~Lisa

Music of my Heart

This song was in our wedding playlist, and I think it perfectly expresses how I've been feeling.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

by Death Cab For Cutie

Love of mine, someday you will die

But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding lights, or tunnels to gates of white

Just our hands clasped so tight

Waiting for the hint of a spark

If Heaven and Hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

I will follow you into the dark

*irrelevant verse omitted*

You and me,

have seen everything to see

From Bangkok to Calgary

And the soles of your shoes are all worn down

The time for sleep is now

It's nothing to cry about

'Cause we'll hold each other soon

In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks
I'll follow you into the dark

I Will Follow You Into The Dark video - YouTube

Sometimes...

My Dearest Frank,

     Sometimes (especially lately), I think to myself, that it might be nice to join you. I feel totally worthless and like I'm only a fraction of a person without you. I'm incompetent. You were always the "good guy" and the better parent, with WAY more patience than I ever had. We balanced each other perfectly, and you were my Yin and I was your Yang. Our youngest child doesn't listen to me at all, and has become quite naughty. Our oldest child doesn't take my advice and I constantly worry about the choices she makes and how easily confused she gets with important details & facts. I have NO clue what I'm doing on my own, and feel like I am failing miserably. :( No, I'm not suicidal AT ALL, but if I had no family or kids, joining you might be an easier route. I would never intentionally end it all, because I think our family & our kids have suffered enough & don't deserve anymore traumatizing life events.
     Before you left us, I feel like I cared more about you than anything. I didn't take the best care of myself, and ignored regular health checkups and didn't go see a doctor when there was a problem, simply because, I'd rather be with you. Anything that took time away from you SUCKED, hence why I hated how much you worked. I said it a million times, that I'd gladly live in a cardboard box as long as we were together, because for us, love WAS enough. I know you worked hard for your family's sake and to provide for them the best you could, and I admired that in you. I know I would have never convinced you to retire early, or at least not early enough for my liking, which is why you had the 10, 6, 5 and then 3 year plan. It would have meant early retirement, but you wanted to wait until all the kids except our youngest were 18 or out of school. Anyways, now I am keeping busy with job search & trying to figure out my health issues so I can know what I am physically capable of, and I feel like it's a losing battle. I have no answers and I think the doctors think that losing you is what's causing all my problems, like it's all in my head and emotionally related. I've told them that these problems existed LONG before you were gone (I can't even say or type the D word), and of course, when I talk about YOU, I start crying... which only reaffirms their suggestion that it's all emotional/behavioral. :(
     I am forced into searching for a job 35 hours a week, and proving that I'm doing it. I'm finding it hard to do since it hurts to sit at a computer for so long, and when I drive to St. Paul for the workshops required, I inevitably end up crying because my resume & work history is PATHETIC. I have no marketable skills, and my job counselors have suggested and helped me get "creative" on my resume, but I see it as LYING, and I hate it. It makes me uncomfortable. I've never been a good liar, and if I actually landed an interview and was asked about anything on my resume, I'd have a hard time not telling the truth. I just feel like I haven't had time to grieve - it hasn't even been 2 months - and I'm being pushed from zero to sixty in seconds. I haven't worked in eleven years, and now I am expected to search for work (which is as much work as actually working) full time in order to get assistance. These government employees have NO compassion or sympathy, and neither do the doctors. Even my physical limitations don't matter. If I stand or walk too long, my ankle swells and my left side hurts. If I sit too long, my back hurts & starts spazzing. I have trouble falling asleep and don't sleep well because of the hip pain, thus resulting in me being tired ALL the time. All this, and I'm pretty much being told "oh well!"
     To top things off, there is this issue with your finances. Although you don't have a lot of debt, nor do you have a lot of assets, EVERYONE wants SOMETHING. I have no say in the matter since we were never officially married. I make it clear what I want, which isn't much... which is just to have our youngest child have an equal share of what the other kids are guaranteed. Because you never saw the paperwork, she is being left out and between the kids & your sister & mom & me, we are CONSTANTLY trying to figure everything out and do things by the book, and in accordance to your OBVIOUS intentions. Things are just so complicated in this matter, and very slow to move forward. Even the life insurance, which we thought was simple enough and cut & dried, turned out to be screwed up. The funeral home took their fees from that money (which was okay with everyone), but we assumed it would be taken out of the whole amount, and THEN divided evenly amongst the beneficiaries. Yesterday, our oldest (the only adult child) got her check, and it turns out they took the funeral home fees directly out of her share, and her share only. :( She said she doesn't care, but I do. It's not fair, and nobody talked to anyone about HOW it should be divided. There are more complications & details, but I won't get into it on here. :(
     Not only is it tough for me to adjust to this new lifestyle and becoming self sufficient, I am having as much of a hard time adjusting to dealing with such cold & heartless people, when you always had a huge heart & were always compassionate. :( People just suck, and I know you would agree. You always said "God must have loved stupid people/assholes, because he sure made an awful lot of them!" even though you were nice & decent to nearly everyone you knew or met. I miss your humor and how easily you could make me smile. I find it hard pressed to smile about ANYTHING lately. I'm just SO tired...

     So, you can see why I feel like giving up. I know if you were here, things would be different. You'd encourage me, reassure me, make me feel like I was valuable and would take care of me. I'll never know a love like yours again. I just find it very difficult to give a rat's ass about anything but our kids. I don't care about myself, and don't WANT to work and be stressed out all the time about money. I believe that its true that money is the root of all evil. Just looking for work has turned me into one crabby bitch. If I was free to do whatever, and bring our kids out & about to do fun things, or just travel to see family, I'd be in a lot happier place.
     Anyways, I know this has gotten quite long-winded, but I needed to do it. I'm so A.D.D. that I can't keep a coherent or consistent thought process & then clearly express it. I think I'm going to have to seek counseling if things don't start looking up. I suppose I should get into grief counseling anyways, but just don't have the energy to find another medical professional and squeeze that into my already cramped schedule. All of this is just too much, and WAY too soon. I love you & just wish we could be together again... even if you are just a ghost or an angel, I just want to FEEL you with me. :'( Anything has got to be better than the nothingness that I feel...
Love Always,

~Lisa <3

So tired...

I don't know what is wrong with me lately, but I am always exhausted. I'm on Neurontin & Tramadol for my back, hip & knee pain. The back pain is due to disc & nerve issues, and who knows about the others... but maybe that is why I am so tired.

I've been to the doctor & have had so many tests done lately, and MRIs and ultrasounds. I've got a submucous myoma in my uterine wall, and also a cyst or something on my cervix. To top it off, my last Pap was abnormal/atypical... first time in over 10 years I think. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. :(

I started doctoring because I was paranoid about my health after what happened to Frank, and wanted to make sure I will be around until Franki Jade is an adult (at the very least). Now I'm starting to wonder if my health is failing because of my loss...

I'm most freaked out about my heart, even though tests have said it is fine. At night sometimes, when I lie down to sleep, it quivers & shakes, and sometimes beats so fast that it frightens me. I'll get up and just sit until it subsides enough for me to calm down. Sometimes, when I think of Frank, or see his picture, or a certain memory of him comes to mind, my heart LITERALLY hurts & acts weird. I wonder if I've got broken heart syndrome. Of course, the only way to know would be to go to the doctor or ER WHILE it is happening... but that's easier said than done when it happens at 1:00 - 3:00 AM and you've got kids at home. Anyways...

I see how with time, things get easier... but a lot of things have gotten harder. Parenting is a real bitch with only one parent around. Kids are unruly! The memories of him remind me of how I'll never again experience things with him or make new memories. My only comfort is existing memories, and knowing how much we loved each other and how special and unique our relationship was... or is?

Well, I can't think of anything profound to say. I miss him & am still waiting for my big breakdown and the tears to start & not be able to stop them. Life has become so chaotic & busy, that I just haven't had the time to properly grieve. I'm starting to think counseling may be in order... 

Dear Frank,

I miss you SO fucking much, and I'm not sure if it's gotten any easier or if I've just been successful at keeping busy enough to keep my mind off things. I've become such a crybaby, though. I sleep with your photo on the coffee table so I can see you before I close my eyes. My heart hurts when I think of certain memories, and the tears come more easily.

I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I set up the blog for me & not for anyone else, so I'm going to say certain things that might make other people uncomfortable... but I don't care. I know you & I were always very open with each other & weren't afraid to say shit, so... yeah.

I remember the first time we made love... it was SO moving, and SO different than anything I'd ever experienced before. I KNEW you were "the one" that night. That most intimate moment was so profound, that I cried. I'd NEVER cried during sex before that night. Moved to tears... I remember the surprise on your face when you saw my tears, and you were so concerned for me. You thought you'd hurt me, and though I had a hard time articulating WHY I was crying, eventually I got it out. I had never had anything so good, so loving or gentle or so passionate. I FELT love in it. I don't think I said it that night, but I KNEW that I loved you right then & there. It was the first time I cried while in bed with you, but it was not the last... I was moved to tears many times over the years, and everything we did was just SO special, that nobody else could possibly understand the magnitude of our love. I always thought that people should be jealous of our love. We were truly connected, almost right from the start. I know that we were the definition of "soulmates". <3

I know deep in my heart, that I will NEVER find anyone that measures up to you. Everyone has their faults, but you had so very few... the ones you had were trivial, and YOU (just you) overshadowed anything that anyone could possibly bitch about.

You kissed me at least once a day, and everyday told me I was beautiful, gorgeous or sexy. We said 'I love you' EVERY day. When we were apart, we talked on the phone daily. When I was helping my mom with Gramma's hospice care, and you'd come to visit, I'd cry when you left. If I'd have known our remaining time together would be cut so short, I'd have stayed so I could get as much time with you as possible. If only I had a time machine...

You had the most beautiful, full & soft lips that I was always envious of. I can feel your kiss when I close my eyes... I never tired of touching your body and always marveled at the softness of your skin. After you were gone, I found myself lightly running my fingers over EVERYTHING, trying to feel you anywhere I could. Of course, I didn't find that feeling anywhere. I ask you at night to PLEASE touch me, hold me, talk to me, ANYTHING, and I don't get it. The only place I feel you is in my heart, and it feels like a huge gnawing hole is there, and it hurts... literally physically HURTS. I haven't had any dreams or nightmares since you've been gone, and maybe that's a blessing in disguise? I think of your body, and your "European" attributes, and know I will never find ANYONE like you again... your ice blue eyes, your chiseled nose...

I've decided to place personal ads on certain sites, mostly to find friends & maybe someone who is understanding of my attachment to you, and is willing to accept me for what I am... which is a broken woman. I don't want a physical relationship at all, but I crave companionship. It's been SO lonely without you. I think my odds of finding an understanding friend or companion like that is slim to none. You are simply irreplaceable, both in our connection with each other, your physical attributes and  your sensitive & gentle nature. It's not that I am ready to move on, but I need a distraction from the pain & emptiness inside of me... I think I will die of a broken heart the way things are going right now. I realize it's only been 6 weeks, but I can't take the hurt much longer...

I'd gladly have a relationship with a ghost if I knew you were here. Hell, I'd marry your ghost and continue on as if nothing ever happened. Sometimes, I pretend you are still coming home. I still have a hard time looking into my future & imagining life without you. When I do take a quick glimpse, I literally get sick to my stomach and want to puke. :'( So, I avoid that at all costs. If you are a ghost, or your spirit is here, will you follow me when I am forced to move back up north? I know that was our plan all along... and maybe you are already there waiting for me? I just don't know... it's hard to believe anything when you've been a skeptic for as long as I have been, but now when I want a sign, all I get is silence, and my own rambling thoughts, regrets & guilt.

Well, I'd better sign off for now before kids come over & start reading over my shoulder. I love you & miss you more than words can express. I just wish you were here... or that you'd have gotten cancer instead of a massive heart attack... at least we would have had more time. :'(

Love Always & Forever,
~Lisa

Some days I think I can literally hear my heart breaking. It HURTS. Today is one of those days, and last night was AWFUL... couldn't sleep, was jumpy 'cause I kept feeling things in my chest. :S

Today I watched this video... the video of our wedding song... our wedding that never was and never will be. The version is not the same as the album version, but the video just struck me and I lost it. I am dumbfounded.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xd8M3IfxrCo

Devastation & Irony

Sometimes, when I see certain pictures of Frank, or hear a certain song or something just a thought of him, my heart literally hurts and/or does a little flip flop. It scares me, because I think that someday, this all will hit me REALLY hard and I will die of a broken heart. Am I next? Who knows... if Frank can be taken, then anyone can. :(

This last weekend was Memorial Day. I was emotional sitting at home, so decided to go to Target. I was worried about losing it in the store, but I lost it on the drive to & from the store. You see, all these lovely families were outside in their yards and at the parks, smiling and having a good time. Some were playing volleyball, some were playing catch. Others sat on their porches drinking cool summer drinks & bullshitting. At first, I would see them and smile and wave... my smile quickly faded with the sudden realization that I don't have a happy family anymore. I wondered what we would have been doing this weekend... probably nothing, but we would have been together for sure. Then I realized, it doesn't matter, because it will NEVER be so again.

Frank was ripped from my life with no warning. There was not time for goodbyes or I love yous or for him to get his affairs in order. This may sound cruel, but I think it would have been easier had he gotten cancer or something... at least we would have had SOME time, and he would have been able to speak to me. People have said that they'd like to go like he did... quick and painless. Um, why do people think heart attacks are painless? Frank's MASSIVE heart attack was relatively quiet as it snuck up on him, but when it actually hit, I can pretty much guarantee it hurt like hell. I saw his face... I heard the noises he made... I don't want to remember it, but I do. Then, to think that I might have tortured him even more by telling everyone to do whatever it takes??? That just about kills me inside. How selfish of me, right? And then the guilt sets in... 


I think of him being more worried about the vision thing than the mild chest pain... was the vision thing an early sign of heart failure/heart disease/heart attack? I know someone whose brother had an MI, and saw pinpoints and like he was looking down a closing tunnel when he was on his way to the hospital. Frank was worried about MS, but now I wonder if it was something else... and the vision thing had been going on & off sporadically over many months!

I feel guilt over not taking the slight weight gain more seriously, and for not seeing red flags when finding out how much coffee he'd been drinking at work. I knew he was more tired than usual, but he had been staying up later than usual, too and I think we both just chalked it up to aging...

Frank always said he would die early, because all the men in his family died too young. I don't think he meant THIS early, though. :'( He was always fascinated with angels, and we had many sculptures & statues of them throughout our house & yard, and he had a large angel tattoo on his arm... he called her his guardian angel, too! Was this some sort of sign, too? My mom thinks he was an angel in training... I still don't think it's fair or right!!!

February was National Heart Month. My daughter's class JUST did their Jump Rope for Heart fundraiser. Everything was done by the end of April... and then an HOUR into May 1st, Frank has a Massive Heart Attack, STEMI?!? I find that ironic... 


Anyways, those are my thoughts for this past weekend. Memorial Day is to honor our military heroes. Well, Frank was never in the military. In fact, he took a test to be a Marine, but failed it. After that, his Grandpa told him to go to Canada if the US ever brought back the draft. Frank decided LONG ago that the military life was not for him, and he didn't want any of his kids joining, either. Frank literally was MY hero... he saved me from myself, and showed me what love really was. He was a good father & he was my best friend. There's nothing bad I could say about him.

Bad Day

Dear Frank,

Today was really hard. I'm not quite sure why. The skies were dark & ominous up until noon or later. It thundered & rained for many hours. The dogs barked at every clap of thunder, and Lily tried to claw her way to the top of the pile of couch pillows by my bed/couch. Needless to say, I didn't sleep very good. Normally, I LOVE a good thunderstorm, but today was different... 


I did cry yesterday for about 15 minutes or so, while I was home alone. I felt guilty about something & thought about how that would make you feel, and I just lost it.

Today, though... ugh! I decided to go grocery shopping to get out of the house & occupy my mind with something else. I had been choking back tears all morning & well into the early afternoon. At the store, Franki became a handful, and wanting all kinds of "junk". I kept telling her, "No... we can't get that" and "Not today...", but she never really gave up. Finally, I'd had it and grabbed the toy from her and practically threw it on a shelf, knocking some jars over. I was SO pissed. I said to her very loudly "We can't buy that kind of stuff with food stamps! We're poor now, and can only get food with what I have!!!" First, I felt guilty as hell about yelling at her. Then, I felt mortified & embarrassed... I decided it was time to leave, whether I was done shopping or not. Once out to the car, I had a breakdown. Morgan didn't like it and got that snotty tone of voice with me, and told me to do what she does, which is "pretend". I have been pretty damn good at pretending for the past few weeks, but today was different. I told her "I can't pretend! Especially when out & about and not being able to do the things we used to do! I can't just buy Franki toys like we used to! We can't go out to eat like we used to, either! I'm on the verge of losing the house, have to find a roommate & am broke, so you can graduate here!" She told me I didn't "have to stay". *sigh* She wants to go live with a friend, and I'm just not comfortable with it, especially if I am 200+ miles away. :(


Then I went to Kwik Trip for smokes. Your friend from high school was working. I asked her "Do you have facebook?" She said "No, but my husband does." I said "So, you know about Frank?" and she replied "Yeah... my husband told me. I'm sorry but I just couldn't come to the funeral... too hard for me." I lost it again... full force this time!

I cried on & off for the next few hours, and I choked back quite a few tears as well. Today was just SO hard for me and I don't know why. Were you here with me? Were you visiting someone else? Are you here at all? You know I'm a skeptic, and would like a clear sign that you are here. And if you ARE here, sorry, but I am going to be possessive & greedy and want your spirit all for myself. Boy does that sound STUPID. I hope nobody ever reads this that I know...

Anyways, I am finally ready for bed... back to the craptastic sleep schedule like it was before. Hopefully tomorrow is sunny or just different in general. I meant to keep this short, but you know me... I always get long winded. With that, goodnight my dear. I love you!

With All My Heart,
~Lisa