Half a year...

Where has the time gone? I know it doesn't matter to anyone but me, but your kids & everyone else is posting today about it being 6 months. The 1st was 6 months. :( Yes, you were revived and brought back and then gone again on the 3rd. But were you REALLY there for those 2.5 days? I don't know... I just know my nightmare began on the first, and I watched you die twice. I don't think anyone realizes what the first was like, at home. The only one who really knows is Jody... and the EMTs of course. For me, it's better to think of the first as THE day... then I don't have to think about the time spent in the hospital with you, the ups & downs or you not looking like you... the chaos of it all. It is easier for me to accept that when you collapsed & I caught you falling off the couch so you wouldn't hit your head was it. Walking talking & fine one minute, and gone the next. Poof! It's just easier that way. I don't tell the kids or many other people that it was really May 1st, and I'm sure people think I am weird or dumb whenever I post or say anything about the first being "the" day, but unless they ask, I'll just leave things be as they are. *sigh*

I stayed busy ALL month during October. Halloween was a little hard, because you were so much more patient than me taking Franki trick-or-treating. I just wanted it done & over with... she lasted an hour, then we came home. I dressed up as a zombie twice for various events. Went to many events & scary attractions (that weren't really scary). The best was the Mounds Theatre haunted tour. I had hoped you'd follow me & maybe I'd see or hear you through their equipment, but I didn't. I did feel & hear some things, though. Now my plan is to get my own equipment. Maybe it's hokey, and you know I'm a skeptic, but I'll try anything just to hear or contact you somehow. I hope to also find a REAL medium someday who might be able to help me... us? I was told by my stepmom that you are distancing yourself on purpose, so that I won't be so hung up on you & can move on easier... that sounds like bullshit to me. I think I'm doing better than most women in my position have done. And why would you tell or show her that and not me... or anyone else for that matter? Another friend (in Canada whom I've never met) claims you were talking to her one night. Some things seemed legit, but most of it made no sense to me at all. I just don't know what to believe... I want to believe you are here in spirit, but need something more convincing to happen. :(

November is upon us. We would have been married this month... last year, this year, next year... who knows for sure. I thought after the chaos of October had ended, I'd have a little peace and time to reflect. Nope! I want nothing more than to be up at the shack and spread some of your ashes there, and lie in the bed we shared, hike the trails we explored together, eat venison & remember you with the guys. But, that won't happen this year... nobody is there. Nobody plans to go there. I can't do it alone, and it's not a place for the kids. :( I could just cry. My plan for the last 6 months has to go up there as we had planned, and leave a little bit of you there, and reflect upon everything... and now those plans have been squashed. I could go on my own, but I don't know how to run the generator, start the oven, or anything else that one would need to know. *kicking self for not being more independent* Oh well, some things are just out of my control. Maybe next year...

I know my posts have been less frequent than before, and as much as I want to blog & have a record of EVERYTHING, when I am busy, it's hard to find the time or know what to say. I think of you always, but I can't possibly jot down every little thought. You are eternally on my mind and in my heart, and if you are truly here, I hope you know that. I miss you. <3

Forever Yours,
~Lisa