Sometimes (especially lately), I think to myself, that it might be nice to join you. I feel totally worthless and like I'm only a fraction of a person without you. I'm incompetent. You were always the "good guy" and the better parent, with WAY more patience than I ever had. We balanced each other perfectly, and you were my Yin and I was your Yang. Our youngest child doesn't listen to me at all, and has become quite naughty. Our oldest child doesn't take my advice and I constantly worry about the choices she makes and how easily confused she gets with important details & facts. I have NO clue what I'm doing on my own, and feel like I am failing miserably. :( No, I'm not suicidal AT ALL, but if I had no family or kids, joining you might be an easier route. I would never intentionally end it all, because I think our family & our kids have suffered enough & don't deserve anymore traumatizing life events.
Before you left us, I feel like I cared more about you than anything. I didn't take the best care of myself, and ignored regular health checkups and didn't go see a doctor when there was a problem, simply because, I'd rather be with you. Anything that took time away from you SUCKED, hence why I hated how much you worked. I said it a million times, that I'd gladly live in a cardboard box as long as we were together, because for us, love WAS enough. I know you worked hard for your family's sake and to provide for them the best you could, and I admired that in you. I know I would have never convinced you to retire early, or at least not early enough for my liking, which is why you had the 10, 6, 5 and then 3 year plan. It would have meant early retirement, but you wanted to wait until all the kids except our youngest were 18 or out of school. Anyways, now I am keeping busy with job search & trying to figure out my health issues so I can know what I am physically capable of, and I feel like it's a losing battle. I have no answers and I think the doctors think that losing you is what's causing all my problems, like it's all in my head and emotionally related. I've told them that these problems existed LONG before you were gone (I can't even say or type the D word), and of course, when I talk about YOU, I start crying... which only reaffirms their suggestion that it's all emotional/behavioral. :(
I am forced into searching for a job 35 hours a week, and proving that I'm doing it. I'm finding it hard to do since it hurts to sit at a computer for so long, and when I drive to St. Paul for the workshops required, I inevitably end up crying because my resume & work history is PATHETIC. I have no marketable skills, and my job counselors have suggested and helped me get "creative" on my resume, but I see it as LYING, and I hate it. It makes me uncomfortable. I've never been a good liar, and if I actually landed an interview and was asked about anything on my resume, I'd have a hard time not telling the truth. I just feel like I haven't had time to grieve - it hasn't even been 2 months - and I'm being pushed from zero to sixty in seconds. I haven't worked in eleven years, and now I am expected to search for work (which is as much work as actually working) full time in order to get assistance. These government employees have NO compassion or sympathy, and neither do the doctors. Even my physical limitations don't matter. If I stand or walk too long, my ankle swells and my left side hurts. If I sit too long, my back hurts & starts spazzing. I have trouble falling asleep and don't sleep well because of the hip pain, thus resulting in me being tired ALL the time. All this, and I'm pretty much being told "oh well!"
To top things off, there is this issue with your finances. Although you don't have a lot of debt, nor do you have a lot of assets, EVERYONE wants SOMETHING. I have no say in the matter since we were never officially married. I make it clear what I want, which isn't much... which is just to have our youngest child have an equal share of what the other kids are guaranteed. Because you never saw the paperwork, she is being left out and between the kids & your sister & mom & me, we are CONSTANTLY trying to figure everything out and do things by the book, and in accordance to your OBVIOUS intentions. Things are just so complicated in this matter, and very slow to move forward. Even the life insurance, which we thought was simple enough and cut & dried, turned out to be screwed up. The funeral home took their fees from that money (which was okay with everyone), but we assumed it would be taken out of the whole amount, and THEN divided evenly amongst the beneficiaries. Yesterday, our oldest (the only adult child) got her check, and it turns out they took the funeral home fees directly out of her share, and her share only. :( She said she doesn't care, but I do. It's not fair, and nobody talked to anyone about HOW it should be divided. There are more complications & details, but I won't get into it on here. :(
Not only is it tough for me to adjust to this new lifestyle and becoming self sufficient, I am having as much of a hard time adjusting to dealing with such cold & heartless people, when you always had a huge heart & were always compassionate. :( People just suck, and I know you would agree. You always said "God must have loved stupid people/assholes, because he sure made an awful lot of them!" even though you were nice & decent to nearly everyone you knew or met. I miss your humor and how easily you could make me smile. I find it hard pressed to smile about ANYTHING lately. I'm just SO tired...
Before you left us, I feel like I cared more about you than anything. I didn't take the best care of myself, and ignored regular health checkups and didn't go see a doctor when there was a problem, simply because, I'd rather be with you. Anything that took time away from you SUCKED, hence why I hated how much you worked. I said it a million times, that I'd gladly live in a cardboard box as long as we were together, because for us, love WAS enough. I know you worked hard for your family's sake and to provide for them the best you could, and I admired that in you. I know I would have never convinced you to retire early, or at least not early enough for my liking, which is why you had the 10, 6, 5 and then 3 year plan. It would have meant early retirement, but you wanted to wait until all the kids except our youngest were 18 or out of school. Anyways, now I am keeping busy with job search & trying to figure out my health issues so I can know what I am physically capable of, and I feel like it's a losing battle. I have no answers and I think the doctors think that losing you is what's causing all my problems, like it's all in my head and emotionally related. I've told them that these problems existed LONG before you were gone (I can't even say or type the D word), and of course, when I talk about YOU, I start crying... which only reaffirms their suggestion that it's all emotional/behavioral. :(
I am forced into searching for a job 35 hours a week, and proving that I'm doing it. I'm finding it hard to do since it hurts to sit at a computer for so long, and when I drive to St. Paul for the workshops required, I inevitably end up crying because my resume & work history is PATHETIC. I have no marketable skills, and my job counselors have suggested and helped me get "creative" on my resume, but I see it as LYING, and I hate it. It makes me uncomfortable. I've never been a good liar, and if I actually landed an interview and was asked about anything on my resume, I'd have a hard time not telling the truth. I just feel like I haven't had time to grieve - it hasn't even been 2 months - and I'm being pushed from zero to sixty in seconds. I haven't worked in eleven years, and now I am expected to search for work (which is as much work as actually working) full time in order to get assistance. These government employees have NO compassion or sympathy, and neither do the doctors. Even my physical limitations don't matter. If I stand or walk too long, my ankle swells and my left side hurts. If I sit too long, my back hurts & starts spazzing. I have trouble falling asleep and don't sleep well because of the hip pain, thus resulting in me being tired ALL the time. All this, and I'm pretty much being told "oh well!"
To top things off, there is this issue with your finances. Although you don't have a lot of debt, nor do you have a lot of assets, EVERYONE wants SOMETHING. I have no say in the matter since we were never officially married. I make it clear what I want, which isn't much... which is just to have our youngest child have an equal share of what the other kids are guaranteed. Because you never saw the paperwork, she is being left out and between the kids & your sister & mom & me, we are CONSTANTLY trying to figure everything out and do things by the book, and in accordance to your OBVIOUS intentions. Things are just so complicated in this matter, and very slow to move forward. Even the life insurance, which we thought was simple enough and cut & dried, turned out to be screwed up. The funeral home took their fees from that money (which was okay with everyone), but we assumed it would be taken out of the whole amount, and THEN divided evenly amongst the beneficiaries. Yesterday, our oldest (the only adult child) got her check, and it turns out they took the funeral home fees directly out of her share, and her share only. :( She said she doesn't care, but I do. It's not fair, and nobody talked to anyone about HOW it should be divided. There are more complications & details, but I won't get into it on here. :(
Not only is it tough for me to adjust to this new lifestyle and becoming self sufficient, I am having as much of a hard time adjusting to dealing with such cold & heartless people, when you always had a huge heart & were always compassionate. :( People just suck, and I know you would agree. You always said "God must have loved stupid people/assholes, because he sure made an awful lot of them!" even though you were nice & decent to nearly everyone you knew or met. I miss your humor and how easily you could make me smile. I find it hard pressed to smile about ANYTHING lately. I'm just SO tired...
So, you can see why I feel like giving up. I know if you were here, things would be different. You'd encourage me, reassure me, make me feel like I was valuable and would take care of me. I'll never know a love like yours again. I just find it very difficult to give a rat's ass about anything but our kids. I don't care about myself, and don't WANT to work and be stressed out all the time about money. I believe that its true that money is the root of all evil. Just looking for work has turned me into one crabby bitch. If I was free to do whatever, and bring our kids out & about to do fun things, or just travel to see family, I'd be in a lot happier place.
Anyways, I know this has gotten quite long-winded, but I needed to do it. I'm so A.D.D. that I can't keep a coherent or consistent thought process & then clearly express it. I think I'm going to have to seek counseling if things don't start looking up. I suppose I should get into grief counseling anyways, but just don't have the energy to find another medical professional and squeeze that into my already cramped schedule. All of this is just too much, and WAY too soon. I love you & just wish we could be together again... even if you are just a ghost or an angel, I just want to FEEL you with me. :'( Anything has got to be better than the nothingness that I feel...
Love Always,
Anyways, I know this has gotten quite long-winded, but I needed to do it. I'm so A.D.D. that I can't keep a coherent or consistent thought process & then clearly express it. I think I'm going to have to seek counseling if things don't start looking up. I suppose I should get into grief counseling anyways, but just don't have the energy to find another medical professional and squeeze that into my already cramped schedule. All of this is just too much, and WAY too soon. I love you & just wish we could be together again... even if you are just a ghost or an angel, I just want to FEEL you with me. :'( Anything has got to be better than the nothingness that I feel...
Love Always,
~Lisa <3
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