So tired...

I don't know what is wrong with me lately, but I am always exhausted. I'm on Neurontin & Tramadol for my back, hip & knee pain. The back pain is due to disc & nerve issues, and who knows about the others... but maybe that is why I am so tired.

I've been to the doctor & have had so many tests done lately, and MRIs and ultrasounds. I've got a submucous myoma in my uterine wall, and also a cyst or something on my cervix. To top it off, my last Pap was abnormal/atypical... first time in over 10 years I think. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. :(

I started doctoring because I was paranoid about my health after what happened to Frank, and wanted to make sure I will be around until Franki Jade is an adult (at the very least). Now I'm starting to wonder if my health is failing because of my loss...

I'm most freaked out about my heart, even though tests have said it is fine. At night sometimes, when I lie down to sleep, it quivers & shakes, and sometimes beats so fast that it frightens me. I'll get up and just sit until it subsides enough for me to calm down. Sometimes, when I think of Frank, or see his picture, or a certain memory of him comes to mind, my heart LITERALLY hurts & acts weird. I wonder if I've got broken heart syndrome. Of course, the only way to know would be to go to the doctor or ER WHILE it is happening... but that's easier said than done when it happens at 1:00 - 3:00 AM and you've got kids at home. Anyways...

I see how with time, things get easier... but a lot of things have gotten harder. Parenting is a real bitch with only one parent around. Kids are unruly! The memories of him remind me of how I'll never again experience things with him or make new memories. My only comfort is existing memories, and knowing how much we loved each other and how special and unique our relationship was... or is?

Well, I can't think of anything profound to say. I miss him & am still waiting for my big breakdown and the tears to start & not be able to stop them. Life has become so chaotic & busy, that I just haven't had the time to properly grieve. I'm starting to think counseling may be in order...