Sometimes, I think it's better if I don't think of you. Other times, I need a little reminder of what "having it made" means. Sometimes, I get in a mood... the kind of mood you would have loved. Tonight, I was in one of these moods... and simultaneously went looking through photos. I'm not sure if it was a good idea, or a bad one. I remembered the things we did together behind closed doors. I remember how sexy I always thought you were. And then I cried. We always had that chemistry. Yeah, I see guys I think are hot, but it's not the same. You always looked at me with longing, loving eyes, regardless of how shitty I looked on any given day. I see couples fighting & drama, and think how glad I am that we never had that... and dread future relationships in fear of that drama. You set the bar. But, when I looked at your photos tonight, I wished that there were more of US. And I think of how unfair it is that whatever forces took you from me. You were my world. I feel lost. I can look at other guys, talk to other guys, make plans with other guys, but I never follow through because I am scared... and I feel like it's "cheating". :( I just want you back. I know that is unrealistic, but can't you come to me in my dreams? Or haunt me as a ghost? ANYTHING. I need answers... and closure. How will I ever look at anyone like I looked at you? And even more puzzling, how will ANY person look at me like you? PLEASE... everyone knows I'm a skeptic, but I want more than anything right now to believe. People say you are here with me... why can't I feel you? </3 Have you moved on to better things? Or are you simply gone? Is all I'll ever have is memories? Are memories enough?
Yours Forever,
~Lisa
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
5 Months Already?
Well, I don't know where the time has gone. Some days it feels like forever ago, and others feel like it was just yesterday. Time sure is funny, though.
It's been 5 months (actually more) since we last spoke, since he last touched me, kissed me, said he loved me, called me beautiful, made me laugh, enjoyed a good dinner, made love, held hands, went shopping, etc. 5 months... not even half a year. It does seem like a LONG time, though. The most time we ever spent away from each other was a week.
I've been keeping busy, trying to prevent the loneliness hitting me like a ton of bricks. Concerts, Halloween outings, bar nights with family, yard cleanup, bonfires, movies, etc. It hasn't been as bad as I'd expected, though. I am sleeping in our bed for over a week now, and have only cried twice. I cuddle with my pillows & blankies, and it helps comfort me. I feel like I took our relationship for granted. Nobody knows how wonderful & precious moments spent with your soulmate really are... until they are gone. *POOF* I miss all of it... even the not so great moments, because at least we were together. I don't think we ever had "bad" times, except for when it involved our kids, but it was never between the two of us.
The death of a soulmate is not the same as any other death I've experienced. With all the others, it wasn't the same closeness or intimacy level... I never lived with anyone for 10+ years who died. :*( I loved my Grandma & Grandpa who died, but they weren't young and we saw it coming with Gramma. My uncles were great, but I really only saw them a few times a year at family get togethers. We were closer when I was young, but that seems to be an earlier, almost forgotten chapter in my life. This was just too sudden. No time for goodbyes or I love yous... and totally unfair.
We've all seen obese elderly people smoking like chimneys, and so many jerks who live life on the edge... why couldn't this have happened to them? People say Frank's heart attack was because he smoked, or because of his cholesterol levels, or because of his poor (but much enjoyed) eating habits. If that were the case, how come so many people who do so much worse are still here? I'd prefer to think that it was because it was meant to be & predetermined from a very early age. He was a preemie in the early 70s... not as much medical knowledge or know how as there is in this day & age. He weighed only a pound at times, and they almost lost him in those first couple of months... touch & go the whole time. He had pneumonia quite often as a child & teenager. As a young adult, he had a collapsed lung. In the time that I was blessed with in his life, he had mysterious (undiagnosed) shingles type illnesses & weird reactions to sunlight every spring. Three years before the heart attack, he was told he was in a pre-diabetic state... research told us that within 5 years there was a 95% probability that it would turn into diabetes, regardless of precautions. Maybe he had diabetes & we just were blind to the symptoms. Maybe he felt unwell, but was too much of a man to say anything. He always said he knew he would die young, but he was thinking somewhere between 60 and 70. We were robbed of 20 - 30 years then. :( Just the preemie issues would probably be enough to shorten his lifespan, but they didn't say that back then... or maybe they did, but only in the circles of the medical profession. We'll never know for sure I guess, but to blame it on smoking or diet seems ridiculous. I'm sure those things contributed, but they weren't solely responsible for what happened. He enjoyed life in a clean & respectable way. He was never fat and was always fit from being a mechanic for 20 years. Anyways...
I know everyone & everything says he died on May 3rd... but really? It was May 1st. :( I was there... they brought him back. I didn't know it when it happened, but that IS what really happened. I watched him die twice, and I really HATE the D word. Time to research an alternative (and poetic) euphemism for "death". *cringe*
It's been 5 months (actually more) since we last spoke, since he last touched me, kissed me, said he loved me, called me beautiful, made me laugh, enjoyed a good dinner, made love, held hands, went shopping, etc. 5 months... not even half a year. It does seem like a LONG time, though. The most time we ever spent away from each other was a week.
I've been keeping busy, trying to prevent the loneliness hitting me like a ton of bricks. Concerts, Halloween outings, bar nights with family, yard cleanup, bonfires, movies, etc. It hasn't been as bad as I'd expected, though. I am sleeping in our bed for over a week now, and have only cried twice. I cuddle with my pillows & blankies, and it helps comfort me. I feel like I took our relationship for granted. Nobody knows how wonderful & precious moments spent with your soulmate really are... until they are gone. *POOF* I miss all of it... even the not so great moments, because at least we were together. I don't think we ever had "bad" times, except for when it involved our kids, but it was never between the two of us.
The death of a soulmate is not the same as any other death I've experienced. With all the others, it wasn't the same closeness or intimacy level... I never lived with anyone for 10+ years who died. :*( I loved my Grandma & Grandpa who died, but they weren't young and we saw it coming with Gramma. My uncles were great, but I really only saw them a few times a year at family get togethers. We were closer when I was young, but that seems to be an earlier, almost forgotten chapter in my life. This was just too sudden. No time for goodbyes or I love yous... and totally unfair.
We've all seen obese elderly people smoking like chimneys, and so many jerks who live life on the edge... why couldn't this have happened to them? People say Frank's heart attack was because he smoked, or because of his cholesterol levels, or because of his poor (but much enjoyed) eating habits. If that were the case, how come so many people who do so much worse are still here? I'd prefer to think that it was because it was meant to be & predetermined from a very early age. He was a preemie in the early 70s... not as much medical knowledge or know how as there is in this day & age. He weighed only a pound at times, and they almost lost him in those first couple of months... touch & go the whole time. He had pneumonia quite often as a child & teenager. As a young adult, he had a collapsed lung. In the time that I was blessed with in his life, he had mysterious (undiagnosed) shingles type illnesses & weird reactions to sunlight every spring. Three years before the heart attack, he was told he was in a pre-diabetic state... research told us that within 5 years there was a 95% probability that it would turn into diabetes, regardless of precautions. Maybe he had diabetes & we just were blind to the symptoms. Maybe he felt unwell, but was too much of a man to say anything. He always said he knew he would die young, but he was thinking somewhere between 60 and 70. We were robbed of 20 - 30 years then. :( Just the preemie issues would probably be enough to shorten his lifespan, but they didn't say that back then... or maybe they did, but only in the circles of the medical profession. We'll never know for sure I guess, but to blame it on smoking or diet seems ridiculous. I'm sure those things contributed, but they weren't solely responsible for what happened. He enjoyed life in a clean & respectable way. He was never fat and was always fit from being a mechanic for 20 years. Anyways...
I know everyone & everything says he died on May 3rd... but really? It was May 1st. :( I was there... they brought him back. I didn't know it when it happened, but that IS what really happened. I watched him die twice, and I really HATE the D word. Time to research an alternative (and poetic) euphemism for "death". *cringe*
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