These feelings...

I wish I could control them, but I simply cannot. The benefit brought in enough funds to keep us here for a couple or a few more months, depending on how things go. The money is put away safely JUST for house payments.

My next biggest worry is trying to raise & save enough money for a proper memorial/marker. Of course, I want only the best for you and the most affordable one that seems like a realistic goal is $3,500. The one I REALLY wanted was $30,000. O_o

I'm trying to get cars in shape for whenever something is decided about what to do with them. Of course, I'd like to keep them all... I feel like they're the few pieces of YOU that I have left to hang onto. I leave your socks under the couch & our bedroom is the disaster that it always was... I just don't sleep there anymore, and can't bring myself to go through & sort things. :'(

I can't stop thinking of dates... past dates, present dates & future dates. All of the could've, should've, would'ves just break my heart. On April 22, just a week and a day before this nightmare began, we went to Fleet Farm & you bought a new battery for the lawnmower... but you never even got to mow it. We renewed our fishing licenses, but you never got to throw the line again. Your birthday is swiftly approaching, along with our youngest child's, and I just can't BEAR to think how that might turn out. She has already said that she wants a half & half cake... half for her, half for you. </3 She'll be 10 already... you'd be 41.

I got my first tattoo since the dragon symbol you bought for me 5, 8 years ago? It's an infinity symbol with your name & "love" written into it. It's not the last one that I will get in your memory... it's just a matter of money & time.

I keep hearing these songs on the radio, that make me think of you... they aren't or weren't even songs we liked or had, but they trigger the tears... Colby Callait's 'I Never Told You' lyrics "I miss those blue eyes. how you kiss me at night, I miss the way we sleep, like there's no sunrise,  like the taste of your smile, I miss the way we breathe... *insert some other words here*... and now I miss everything about you..." and that one by Pink, 'Who Knew?' "I'll keep you locked in my head, until we meet again... if someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out, 'cause they're all wrong, and that last kiss, I'll cherish, until we meet again, and time makes it harder, I wish I could remember, but I keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep, my darling, who knew, my darling, I miss you, who knew... " </3

Some of our children have been selfish & rotten lately. If I try to state things or just inform them of some important fact that could be life altering, I am cut off and the subject is rudely changed, and I am ignored. If I try to be in control, make plans to do something, I am told they are disincluding themselves, even though they are NOT adults. I don't think wanting a week (or even a month) away from Lakeville is too much to ask, especially with school creeping up on us, just around the corner. I need my family. They are the ONLY ones who give two shits. I didn't inherit your friends, or they are not the kind of friends I had hoped for. They loved you... I was part of the package deal. Now you're gone, and oh well to everyone we know. No calls to see how I am doing, no visits to just say hi, no messages of encouragement on facebook or email... It hurts. I feel like everyone has someone to go to, to lean on, and I have NOBODY. I had you. There was never a backup plan, and why would I plan for something like this? I have never felt more unloved, lonesome  & disconnected from the world than I have this past week. :(

Although I'm not suicidal (I could NEVER do that to my family or children), I do sometimes wonder if I'd be better off dead. I wish I had gone instead of you. I wonder what the point of everything is, and see NO meaning in life aside from making sure our youngest child turns out okay. You were the better half of us. I'm empty, hollow, half the person I was a few months ago. I don't know who I am, and I honestly feel like I am NOTHING without you. I never was a great mom, but I tried. I feel like the only thing I was ever good at was doing things with or being with you. I've honestly forgotten most of my life before I met you, aside from a bunch of meaningless relationships (if you could even call them that) and partying a lot. Our relationship was awesome, and we never fought. Most people couldn't be so lucky. I cherish & treasure that, and honestly feel that everyone should be jealous of what we had (have?). That doesn't mean that I don't have any regrets... no chance to say goodbye, no time to do all the things we planned to do & never got to do (yet), and now I just don't want to do anything. I've considered drinking away my sorrows like a lot of people do, but that doesn't work for me... I feel even more lonely. *sigh*

Anyways, I needed to purge. I guess this will always be the way I try to connect or put my feelings into words, as long as I can type. Trying to say them out loud leaves me a blubbering fool. I cry in front of my therapist, but not really in front of anyone else. I'm a phony & a fake... and I hate myself and my life.

If you are reading this, or reading my mind as I am typing, and truly are beside us, it'd be super awesome if you could knock some common sense & selflessness into our oldest girls. I KNOW you would be disappointed & disgusted with their behavior as of late, and I've said that out loud to their faces. Unfortunately, it hasn't changed a damn thing. It's like since I've been alone, they'll just do whatever they want. I am just a powerless nobody.

I love you. Always have. Always will. Forever & ever until the end of time, times infinity and beyond. Words will NEVER be able to completely express my love for you.

XOXO,
~Lisa