Dear Frank,
The fourth of July is drawing near, and I've found myself making plans to go up north. Gramma's memorial service is that weekend as well, so I'm kind of obligated to go. I don't really WANT to go, to be honest. :( I can't remember the last time I was without you on the fourth... before we met, 12 years ago? If it was just the 4th, I wouldn't go. It's that time of month, and you know how hard it is to travel or do anything, so I'm miserable anyways. I haven't slept in two nights in a row (or have gotten less than 3 hours each night), so I'm emotional and cranky. Now I am have to attend yet another sad event. Whose shoulder will I cry on? While I am visiting the cemetery, am I going to be "up to" looking for a plot for us? I'm starting to think my life is just a series of sad & tragic events, and am beginning to wonder what the point of it all is...
Today I cried. TWICE, and hard. I don't know WHY I thought it would be nice to watch the short video from your memorial service, but it really got me worked up. After that, I decided to watch the longer video. *kicking self* So, yeah... I cried some more. Nobody was home, so I just let it all out.
I started thinking of LITTLE things I miss about you.
I miss the way you closed your eyes when you talked on the phone with anyone for any length of time.
I miss the way you'd rub your chin when you'd be talking to someone, and eventually start rubbing from right under your nose to the bottom of your chin, and how I'd make fun of how nobody could understand you when you were doing that, because it sounded like you had a "mouthful of shit".
I miss the way your eyes would glaze over when you were watching TV and VERY into something. You would be oblivious to the world.
I miss the way you'd snap awake when I'd try to take the remote away from you, and would say "I'm watching that!" Or how you'd chuckle or mumble something while watching a show you'd fallen asleep on (for a long time), and act like you knew what was going on... even though you had missed many many minutes.
I miss the jerky little eye movements you'd have when you were watching TV and your eyes were getting tired. I don't know if it was subconscious or intentional, but it seemed like you were trying to refocus.
I miss you talking in your sleep and how everyone was an "idiot" or "dumbshit" at work, and how MEAN you were to your co-workers and would have to explain to them how something worked. You never said any names, so I'll always wonder who you were so mad at. You always said you never dreamed, but I think you did... you just didn't ever remember them.
I miss you reaching over & groping me, or cornering me in the kitchen for a kiss, when kids were all wide awake and running around... the most INOPPORTUNE times! I think you did it on purpose, so they could see how much we loved each other.
I miss the little sweet things you'd say on a daily basis.
I miss your phone calls everyday after work.
I miss your soft kisses...
I just miss YOU. I feel like I could have been SUCH a better "wife" to you. You were always the better half of me, and everyone knows the world was robbed of the WRONG person. I know it, too. I feel SO much guilt about that... and about many other things, especially the day that you left us...
Anyways, I love you & am constantly thinking of you and missing everything about you. This next week will be hard, but I will try to pull through. If I fail, oh well. I'm only human, and I have a broken heart that hasn't had enough time to heal yet.
Eternally Yours,
~Lisa </3
Friday, June 29, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Weird!
Dear Frank,
All these weeks have passed since you left us, and I've pretty much had dreamless nights of sleep ever since. I think it was that my mind was shut off & numb to the tragedy of my new reality. In the past week I've dreamed of you TWICE. One was weird, but I woke up crying. The latter was weird, but hilarious and I woke up LITERALLY laughing my ass off, tears & all. Yesterday, I wasn't feeling so good and was laying on the couch trying to nap. I must have started dozing or daydreaming (not sure which), but I had this vision and sensation of being cuddled up behind you, and touching your back... I always marveled at how soft your skin was, when your hands were the complete opposite (due to years of being a mechanic). All of the sudden, the thought came to my mind that it wasn't real, that I would never touch you again, and my heart just stopped and HURT like hell for a few moments. I opened my eyes to find the back of the couch staring back at me instead of your back. :'(
Sometimes, I feel like you could walk in the door any moment... like I'm subconsciously hoping this is still just a really long BAD dream. Sometimes, I see your face in a photo, and imagine kissing you goodnight. I touch my lips, and then I realize (again) and the sadness sets in.
I find myself wanting to buy you gifts and make things for you. Last night I was looking at matching wedding bands on eBay. Nothing fancy, just something that would last forever... something I could have engraved. I have no clue what I'd do with all these things, but I feel connected to you forever... times infinity... for all eternity. I'd like a wedding band to wear with my engagement ring (which I will NEVER take off), to signify that my heart belongs to you, and always will.
I wish I knew if you were here or not. I'm still waiting for my "sign". Sometimes I think I feel you, but then it is gone as soon as I feel it. Just once, I'd love to talk to you or feel you cuddled up to me at night... or to feel you kiss me at night. You know I've always been a skeptic about otherworldly matters, but right now I want to believe more than anything! If I were rich, I'd hire a medium or call in the ghost hunters, but alas, I am not. :( Please, help me believe and if you are here, show me somehow! I love you!!!
Forever Yours,
~Lisa
All these weeks have passed since you left us, and I've pretty much had dreamless nights of sleep ever since. I think it was that my mind was shut off & numb to the tragedy of my new reality. In the past week I've dreamed of you TWICE. One was weird, but I woke up crying. The latter was weird, but hilarious and I woke up LITERALLY laughing my ass off, tears & all. Yesterday, I wasn't feeling so good and was laying on the couch trying to nap. I must have started dozing or daydreaming (not sure which), but I had this vision and sensation of being cuddled up behind you, and touching your back... I always marveled at how soft your skin was, when your hands were the complete opposite (due to years of being a mechanic). All of the sudden, the thought came to my mind that it wasn't real, that I would never touch you again, and my heart just stopped and HURT like hell for a few moments. I opened my eyes to find the back of the couch staring back at me instead of your back. :'(
Sometimes, I feel like you could walk in the door any moment... like I'm subconsciously hoping this is still just a really long BAD dream. Sometimes, I see your face in a photo, and imagine kissing you goodnight. I touch my lips, and then I realize (again) and the sadness sets in.
I find myself wanting to buy you gifts and make things for you. Last night I was looking at matching wedding bands on eBay. Nothing fancy, just something that would last forever... something I could have engraved. I have no clue what I'd do with all these things, but I feel connected to you forever... times infinity... for all eternity. I'd like a wedding band to wear with my engagement ring (which I will NEVER take off), to signify that my heart belongs to you, and always will.
I wish I knew if you were here or not. I'm still waiting for my "sign". Sometimes I think I feel you, but then it is gone as soon as I feel it. Just once, I'd love to talk to you or feel you cuddled up to me at night... or to feel you kiss me at night. You know I've always been a skeptic about otherworldly matters, but right now I want to believe more than anything! If I were rich, I'd hire a medium or call in the ghost hunters, but alas, I am not. :( Please, help me believe and if you are here, show me somehow! I love you!!!
Forever Yours,
~Lisa
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Music of my Heart
This song was in our wedding playlist, and I think it perfectly expresses how I've been feeling.
I Will Follow You Into The Dark
I Will Follow You Into The Dark
by Death Cab For Cutie
Love of mine, someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding lights, or tunnels to gates of white
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding lights, or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
I will follow you into the dark
*irrelevant verse omitted*
You and me,
You and me,
have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'Cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms
If Heaven and Hell decide
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
I'll follow you into the dark
I'll follow you into the dark
Sometimes...
My Dearest Frank,
Sometimes (especially lately), I think to myself, that it might be nice to join you. I feel totally worthless and like I'm only a fraction of a person without you. I'm incompetent. You were always the "good guy" and the better parent, with WAY more patience than I ever had. We balanced each other perfectly, and you were my Yin and I was your Yang. Our youngest child doesn't listen to me at all, and has become quite naughty. Our oldest child doesn't take my advice and I constantly worry about the choices she makes and how easily confused she gets with important details & facts. I have NO clue what I'm doing on my own, and feel like I am failing miserably. :( No, I'm not suicidal AT ALL, but if I had no family or kids, joining you might be an easier route. I would never intentionally end it all, because I think our family & our kids have suffered enough & don't deserve anymore traumatizing life events.
Before you left us, I feel like I cared more about you than anything. I didn't take the best care of myself, and ignored regular health checkups and didn't go see a doctor when there was a problem, simply because, I'd rather be with you. Anything that took time away from you SUCKED, hence why I hated how much you worked. I said it a million times, that I'd gladly live in a cardboard box as long as we were together, because for us, love WAS enough. I know you worked hard for your family's sake and to provide for them the best you could, and I admired that in you. I know I would have never convinced you to retire early, or at least not early enough for my liking, which is why you had the 10, 6, 5 and then 3 year plan. It would have meant early retirement, but you wanted to wait until all the kids except our youngest were 18 or out of school. Anyways, now I am keeping busy with job search & trying to figure out my health issues so I can know what I am physically capable of, and I feel like it's a losing battle. I have no answers and I think the doctors think that losing you is what's causing all my problems, like it's all in my head and emotionally related. I've told them that these problems existed LONG before you were gone (I can't even say or type the D word), and of course, when I talk about YOU, I start crying... which only reaffirms their suggestion that it's all emotional/behavioral. :(
I am forced into searching for a job 35 hours a week, and proving that I'm doing it. I'm finding it hard to do since it hurts to sit at a computer for so long, and when I drive to St. Paul for the workshops required, I inevitably end up crying because my resume & work history is PATHETIC. I have no marketable skills, and my job counselors have suggested and helped me get "creative" on my resume, but I see it as LYING, and I hate it. It makes me uncomfortable. I've never been a good liar, and if I actually landed an interview and was asked about anything on my resume, I'd have a hard time not telling the truth. I just feel like I haven't had time to grieve - it hasn't even been 2 months - and I'm being pushed from zero to sixty in seconds. I haven't worked in eleven years, and now I am expected to search for work (which is as much work as actually working) full time in order to get assistance. These government employees have NO compassion or sympathy, and neither do the doctors. Even my physical limitations don't matter. If I stand or walk too long, my ankle swells and my left side hurts. If I sit too long, my back hurts & starts spazzing. I have trouble falling asleep and don't sleep well because of the hip pain, thus resulting in me being tired ALL the time. All this, and I'm pretty much being told "oh well!"
To top things off, there is this issue with your finances. Although you don't have a lot of debt, nor do you have a lot of assets, EVERYONE wants SOMETHING. I have no say in the matter since we were never officially married. I make it clear what I want, which isn't much... which is just to have our youngest child have an equal share of what the other kids are guaranteed. Because you never saw the paperwork, she is being left out and between the kids & your sister & mom & me, we are CONSTANTLY trying to figure everything out and do things by the book, and in accordance to your OBVIOUS intentions. Things are just so complicated in this matter, and very slow to move forward. Even the life insurance, which we thought was simple enough and cut & dried, turned out to be screwed up. The funeral home took their fees from that money (which was okay with everyone), but we assumed it would be taken out of the whole amount, and THEN divided evenly amongst the beneficiaries. Yesterday, our oldest (the only adult child) got her check, and it turns out they took the funeral home fees directly out of her share, and her share only. :( She said she doesn't care, but I do. It's not fair, and nobody talked to anyone about HOW it should be divided. There are more complications & details, but I won't get into it on here. :(
Not only is it tough for me to adjust to this new lifestyle and becoming self sufficient, I am having as much of a hard time adjusting to dealing with such cold & heartless people, when you always had a huge heart & were always compassionate. :( People just suck, and I know you would agree. You always said "God must have loved stupid people/assholes, because he sure made an awful lot of them!" even though you were nice & decent to nearly everyone you knew or met. I miss your humor and how easily you could make me smile. I find it hard pressed to smile about ANYTHING lately. I'm just SO tired...
Before you left us, I feel like I cared more about you than anything. I didn't take the best care of myself, and ignored regular health checkups and didn't go see a doctor when there was a problem, simply because, I'd rather be with you. Anything that took time away from you SUCKED, hence why I hated how much you worked. I said it a million times, that I'd gladly live in a cardboard box as long as we were together, because for us, love WAS enough. I know you worked hard for your family's sake and to provide for them the best you could, and I admired that in you. I know I would have never convinced you to retire early, or at least not early enough for my liking, which is why you had the 10, 6, 5 and then 3 year plan. It would have meant early retirement, but you wanted to wait until all the kids except our youngest were 18 or out of school. Anyways, now I am keeping busy with job search & trying to figure out my health issues so I can know what I am physically capable of, and I feel like it's a losing battle. I have no answers and I think the doctors think that losing you is what's causing all my problems, like it's all in my head and emotionally related. I've told them that these problems existed LONG before you were gone (I can't even say or type the D word), and of course, when I talk about YOU, I start crying... which only reaffirms their suggestion that it's all emotional/behavioral. :(
I am forced into searching for a job 35 hours a week, and proving that I'm doing it. I'm finding it hard to do since it hurts to sit at a computer for so long, and when I drive to St. Paul for the workshops required, I inevitably end up crying because my resume & work history is PATHETIC. I have no marketable skills, and my job counselors have suggested and helped me get "creative" on my resume, but I see it as LYING, and I hate it. It makes me uncomfortable. I've never been a good liar, and if I actually landed an interview and was asked about anything on my resume, I'd have a hard time not telling the truth. I just feel like I haven't had time to grieve - it hasn't even been 2 months - and I'm being pushed from zero to sixty in seconds. I haven't worked in eleven years, and now I am expected to search for work (which is as much work as actually working) full time in order to get assistance. These government employees have NO compassion or sympathy, and neither do the doctors. Even my physical limitations don't matter. If I stand or walk too long, my ankle swells and my left side hurts. If I sit too long, my back hurts & starts spazzing. I have trouble falling asleep and don't sleep well because of the hip pain, thus resulting in me being tired ALL the time. All this, and I'm pretty much being told "oh well!"
To top things off, there is this issue with your finances. Although you don't have a lot of debt, nor do you have a lot of assets, EVERYONE wants SOMETHING. I have no say in the matter since we were never officially married. I make it clear what I want, which isn't much... which is just to have our youngest child have an equal share of what the other kids are guaranteed. Because you never saw the paperwork, she is being left out and between the kids & your sister & mom & me, we are CONSTANTLY trying to figure everything out and do things by the book, and in accordance to your OBVIOUS intentions. Things are just so complicated in this matter, and very slow to move forward. Even the life insurance, which we thought was simple enough and cut & dried, turned out to be screwed up. The funeral home took their fees from that money (which was okay with everyone), but we assumed it would be taken out of the whole amount, and THEN divided evenly amongst the beneficiaries. Yesterday, our oldest (the only adult child) got her check, and it turns out they took the funeral home fees directly out of her share, and her share only. :( She said she doesn't care, but I do. It's not fair, and nobody talked to anyone about HOW it should be divided. There are more complications & details, but I won't get into it on here. :(
Not only is it tough for me to adjust to this new lifestyle and becoming self sufficient, I am having as much of a hard time adjusting to dealing with such cold & heartless people, when you always had a huge heart & were always compassionate. :( People just suck, and I know you would agree. You always said "God must have loved stupid people/assholes, because he sure made an awful lot of them!" even though you were nice & decent to nearly everyone you knew or met. I miss your humor and how easily you could make me smile. I find it hard pressed to smile about ANYTHING lately. I'm just SO tired...
So, you can see why I feel like giving up. I know if you were here, things would be different. You'd encourage me, reassure me, make me feel like I was valuable and would take care of me. I'll never know a love like yours again. I just find it very difficult to give a rat's ass about anything but our kids. I don't care about myself, and don't WANT to work and be stressed out all the time about money. I believe that its true that money is the root of all evil. Just looking for work has turned me into one crabby bitch. If I was free to do whatever, and bring our kids out & about to do fun things, or just travel to see family, I'd be in a lot happier place.
Anyways, I know this has gotten quite long-winded, but I needed to do it. I'm so A.D.D. that I can't keep a coherent or consistent thought process & then clearly express it. I think I'm going to have to seek counseling if things don't start looking up. I suppose I should get into grief counseling anyways, but just don't have the energy to find another medical professional and squeeze that into my already cramped schedule. All of this is just too much, and WAY too soon. I love you & just wish we could be together again... even if you are just a ghost or an angel, I just want to FEEL you with me. :'( Anything has got to be better than the nothingness that I feel...
Love Always,
Anyways, I know this has gotten quite long-winded, but I needed to do it. I'm so A.D.D. that I can't keep a coherent or consistent thought process & then clearly express it. I think I'm going to have to seek counseling if things don't start looking up. I suppose I should get into grief counseling anyways, but just don't have the energy to find another medical professional and squeeze that into my already cramped schedule. All of this is just too much, and WAY too soon. I love you & just wish we could be together again... even if you are just a ghost or an angel, I just want to FEEL you with me. :'( Anything has got to be better than the nothingness that I feel...
Love Always,
~Lisa <3
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
So tired...
I don't know what is wrong with me lately, but I am always exhausted. I'm on Neurontin & Tramadol for my back, hip & knee pain. The back pain is due to disc & nerve issues, and who knows about the others... but maybe that is why I am so tired.
I've been to the doctor & have had so many tests done lately, and MRIs and ultrasounds. I've got a submucous myoma in my uterine wall, and also a cyst or something on my cervix. To top it off, my last Pap was abnormal/atypical... first time in over 10 years I think. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. :(
I started doctoring because I was paranoid about my health after what happened to Frank, and wanted to make sure I will be around until Franki Jade is an adult (at the very least). Now I'm starting to wonder if my health is failing because of my loss...
I'm most freaked out about my heart, even though tests have said it is fine. At night sometimes, when I lie down to sleep, it quivers & shakes, and sometimes beats so fast that it frightens me. I'll get up and just sit until it subsides enough for me to calm down. Sometimes, when I think of Frank, or see his picture, or a certain memory of him comes to mind, my heart LITERALLY hurts & acts weird. I wonder if I've got broken heart syndrome. Of course, the only way to know would be to go to the doctor or ER WHILE it is happening... but that's easier said than done when it happens at 1:00 - 3:00 AM and you've got kids at home. Anyways...
I see how with time, things get easier... but a lot of things have gotten harder. Parenting is a real bitch with only one parent around. Kids are unruly! The memories of him remind me of how I'll never again experience things with him or make new memories. My only comfort is existing memories, and knowing how much we loved each other and how special and unique our relationship was... or is?
Well, I can't think of anything profound to say. I miss him & am still waiting for my big breakdown and the tears to start & not be able to stop them. Life has become so chaotic & busy, that I just haven't had the time to properly grieve. I'm starting to think counseling may be in order...
I've been to the doctor & have had so many tests done lately, and MRIs and ultrasounds. I've got a submucous myoma in my uterine wall, and also a cyst or something on my cervix. To top it off, my last Pap was abnormal/atypical... first time in over 10 years I think. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. :(
I started doctoring because I was paranoid about my health after what happened to Frank, and wanted to make sure I will be around until Franki Jade is an adult (at the very least). Now I'm starting to wonder if my health is failing because of my loss...
I'm most freaked out about my heart, even though tests have said it is fine. At night sometimes, when I lie down to sleep, it quivers & shakes, and sometimes beats so fast that it frightens me. I'll get up and just sit until it subsides enough for me to calm down. Sometimes, when I think of Frank, or see his picture, or a certain memory of him comes to mind, my heart LITERALLY hurts & acts weird. I wonder if I've got broken heart syndrome. Of course, the only way to know would be to go to the doctor or ER WHILE it is happening... but that's easier said than done when it happens at 1:00 - 3:00 AM and you've got kids at home. Anyways...
I see how with time, things get easier... but a lot of things have gotten harder. Parenting is a real bitch with only one parent around. Kids are unruly! The memories of him remind me of how I'll never again experience things with him or make new memories. My only comfort is existing memories, and knowing how much we loved each other and how special and unique our relationship was... or is?
Well, I can't think of anything profound to say. I miss him & am still waiting for my big breakdown and the tears to start & not be able to stop them. Life has become so chaotic & busy, that I just haven't had the time to properly grieve. I'm starting to think counseling may be in order...
Monday, June 11, 2012
Dear Frank,
I miss you SO fucking much, and I'm not sure if it's gotten any easier or if I've just been successful at keeping busy enough to keep my mind off things. I've become such a crybaby, though. I sleep with your photo on the coffee table so I can see you before I close my eyes. My heart hurts when I think of certain memories, and the tears come more easily.
I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I set up the blog for me & not for anyone else, so I'm going to say certain things that might make other people uncomfortable... but I don't care. I know you & I were always very open with each other & weren't afraid to say shit, so... yeah.
I remember the first time we made love... it was SO moving, and SO different than anything I'd ever experienced before. I KNEW you were "the one" that night. That most intimate moment was so profound, that I cried. I'd NEVER cried during sex before that night. Moved to tears... I remember the surprise on your face when you saw my tears, and you were so concerned for me. You thought you'd hurt me, and though I had a hard time articulating WHY I was crying, eventually I got it out. I had never had anything so good, so loving or gentle or so passionate. I FELT love in it. I don't think I said it that night, but I KNEW that I loved you right then & there. It was the first time I cried while in bed with you, but it was not the last... I was moved to tears many times over the years, and everything we did was just SO special, that nobody else could possibly understand the magnitude of our love. I always thought that people should be jealous of our love. We were truly connected, almost right from the start. I know that we were the definition of "soulmates". <3
I know deep in my heart, that I will NEVER find anyone that measures up to you. Everyone has their faults, but you had so very few... the ones you had were trivial, and YOU (just you) overshadowed anything that anyone could possibly bitch about.
You kissed me at least once a day, and everyday told me I was beautiful, gorgeous or sexy. We said 'I love you' EVERY day. When we were apart, we talked on the phone daily. When I was helping my mom with Gramma's hospice care, and you'd come to visit, I'd cry when you left. If I'd have known our remaining time together would be cut so short, I'd have stayed so I could get as much time with you as possible. If only I had a time machine...
You had the most beautiful, full & soft lips that I was always envious of. I can feel your kiss when I close my eyes... I never tired of touching your body and always marveled at the softness of your skin. After you were gone, I found myself lightly running my fingers over EVERYTHING, trying to feel you anywhere I could. Of course, I didn't find that feeling anywhere. I ask you at night to PLEASE touch me, hold me, talk to me, ANYTHING, and I don't get it. The only place I feel you is in my heart, and it feels like a huge gnawing hole is there, and it hurts... literally physically HURTS. I haven't had any dreams or nightmares since you've been gone, and maybe that's a blessing in disguise? I think of your body, and your "European" attributes, and know I will never find ANYONE like you again... your ice blue eyes, your chiseled nose...
I've decided to place personal ads on certain sites, mostly to find friends & maybe someone who is understanding of my attachment to you, and is willing to accept me for what I am... which is a broken woman. I don't want a physical relationship at all, but I crave companionship. It's been SO lonely without you. I think my odds of finding an understanding friend or companion like that is slim to none. You are simply irreplaceable, both in our connection with each other, your physical attributes and your sensitive & gentle nature. It's not that I am ready to move on, but I need a distraction from the pain & emptiness inside of me... I think I will die of a broken heart the way things are going right now. I realize it's only been 6 weeks, but I can't take the hurt much longer...
I'd gladly have a relationship with a ghost if I knew you were here. Hell, I'd marry your ghost and continue on as if nothing ever happened. Sometimes, I pretend you are still coming home. I still have a hard time looking into my future & imagining life without you. When I do take a quick glimpse, I literally get sick to my stomach and want to puke. :'( So, I avoid that at all costs. If you are a ghost, or your spirit is here, will you follow me when I am forced to move back up north? I know that was our plan all along... and maybe you are already there waiting for me? I just don't know... it's hard to believe anything when you've been a skeptic for as long as I have been, but now when I want a sign, all I get is silence, and my own rambling thoughts, regrets & guilt.
Well, I'd better sign off for now before kids come over & start reading over my shoulder. I love you & miss you more than words can express. I just wish you were here... or that you'd have gotten cancer instead of a massive heart attack... at least we would have had more time. :'(
Love Always & Forever,
~Lisa
I miss you SO fucking much, and I'm not sure if it's gotten any easier or if I've just been successful at keeping busy enough to keep my mind off things. I've become such a crybaby, though. I sleep with your photo on the coffee table so I can see you before I close my eyes. My heart hurts when I think of certain memories, and the tears come more easily.
I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I set up the blog for me & not for anyone else, so I'm going to say certain things that might make other people uncomfortable... but I don't care. I know you & I were always very open with each other & weren't afraid to say shit, so... yeah.
I remember the first time we made love... it was SO moving, and SO different than anything I'd ever experienced before. I KNEW you were "the one" that night. That most intimate moment was so profound, that I cried. I'd NEVER cried during sex before that night. Moved to tears... I remember the surprise on your face when you saw my tears, and you were so concerned for me. You thought you'd hurt me, and though I had a hard time articulating WHY I was crying, eventually I got it out. I had never had anything so good, so loving or gentle or so passionate. I FELT love in it. I don't think I said it that night, but I KNEW that I loved you right then & there. It was the first time I cried while in bed with you, but it was not the last... I was moved to tears many times over the years, and everything we did was just SO special, that nobody else could possibly understand the magnitude of our love. I always thought that people should be jealous of our love. We were truly connected, almost right from the start. I know that we were the definition of "soulmates". <3
I know deep in my heart, that I will NEVER find anyone that measures up to you. Everyone has their faults, but you had so very few... the ones you had were trivial, and YOU (just you) overshadowed anything that anyone could possibly bitch about.
You kissed me at least once a day, and everyday told me I was beautiful, gorgeous or sexy. We said 'I love you' EVERY day. When we were apart, we talked on the phone daily. When I was helping my mom with Gramma's hospice care, and you'd come to visit, I'd cry when you left. If I'd have known our remaining time together would be cut so short, I'd have stayed so I could get as much time with you as possible. If only I had a time machine...
You had the most beautiful, full & soft lips that I was always envious of. I can feel your kiss when I close my eyes... I never tired of touching your body and always marveled at the softness of your skin. After you were gone, I found myself lightly running my fingers over EVERYTHING, trying to feel you anywhere I could. Of course, I didn't find that feeling anywhere. I ask you at night to PLEASE touch me, hold me, talk to me, ANYTHING, and I don't get it. The only place I feel you is in my heart, and it feels like a huge gnawing hole is there, and it hurts... literally physically HURTS. I haven't had any dreams or nightmares since you've been gone, and maybe that's a blessing in disguise? I think of your body, and your "European" attributes, and know I will never find ANYONE like you again... your ice blue eyes, your chiseled nose...
I've decided to place personal ads on certain sites, mostly to find friends & maybe someone who is understanding of my attachment to you, and is willing to accept me for what I am... which is a broken woman. I don't want a physical relationship at all, but I crave companionship. It's been SO lonely without you. I think my odds of finding an understanding friend or companion like that is slim to none. You are simply irreplaceable, both in our connection with each other, your physical attributes and your sensitive & gentle nature. It's not that I am ready to move on, but I need a distraction from the pain & emptiness inside of me... I think I will die of a broken heart the way things are going right now. I realize it's only been 6 weeks, but I can't take the hurt much longer...
I'd gladly have a relationship with a ghost if I knew you were here. Hell, I'd marry your ghost and continue on as if nothing ever happened. Sometimes, I pretend you are still coming home. I still have a hard time looking into my future & imagining life without you. When I do take a quick glimpse, I literally get sick to my stomach and want to puke. :'( So, I avoid that at all costs. If you are a ghost, or your spirit is here, will you follow me when I am forced to move back up north? I know that was our plan all along... and maybe you are already there waiting for me? I just don't know... it's hard to believe anything when you've been a skeptic for as long as I have been, but now when I want a sign, all I get is silence, and my own rambling thoughts, regrets & guilt.
Well, I'd better sign off for now before kids come over & start reading over my shoulder. I love you & miss you more than words can express. I just wish you were here... or that you'd have gotten cancer instead of a massive heart attack... at least we would have had more time. :'(
Love Always & Forever,
~Lisa
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Some days I think I can literally hear my heart breaking. It HURTS. Today is one of those days, and last night was AWFUL... couldn't sleep, was jumpy 'cause I kept feeling things in my chest. :S
Today I watched this video... the video of our wedding song... our wedding that never was and never will be. The version is not the same as the album version, but the video just struck me and I lost it. I am dumbfounded.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xd8M3IfxrCo
Today I watched this video... the video of our wedding song... our wedding that never was and never will be. The version is not the same as the album version, but the video just struck me and I lost it. I am dumbfounded.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xd8M3IfxrCo
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