Today I thought about "moving on" again... and then just burst into tears out of guilt, shame & knowing deep down that nobody could EVER love me like Frank did. EVER. But, I am SO fucking lonely. So I go through old photos & slideshows and see that beautiful face, those piercing blue eyes, see how happy we were and realize how much I want to TOUCH him & feel him again... just hear him say "I love you" or call me "honey" or "baby" or see him smile at me, and I find myself sobbing so hard, I'm bordering on hyperventilating. Of course, I can't do this around kids... and now that they're back in school, I'll have MUCH more time to spend with myself & call out the ghost of Frank that never shows his face or makes a peep. So tired of crying... it's not really a release. Crying makes me feel like shit... literally SICK. I hate it. And I hate feeling "weak"... 'cause let's face it, nobody's gonna come save me or even bother to help me!!!
People act like they care, say that they care, seem genuinely concerned... but then NEVER call, never email or message, never stop by. If I make an effort to go see people he knew & considered friends, it's always awkward. So, I'm not going to bother anymore. I give up. If people truly cared, they'd be there... check in... invite me out. So what if it's weird or uncomfortable to be around me? Fucking pretend! That's how I get through each day (most of the time). And if I break down or cry? So what? I have every right & it's normal. Whatever, though... if you can't take me as I am now, then you're not worth my time or effort. Period. I am saddened that those people that Frank loved, liked & cared about have all but disappeared. I wonder how disappointed he'd be if he were watching all this unfold? Everyone has moved on in their lives... people are making plans, dating, getting engaged, having babies, working... but nobody is burying anyone they love & everyone else seems to have stopped grieving, so I really have nothing in common with anyone anymore. On one hand it says & shows who loved him the most & most deeply on ANY level... on the other hand, I can't comprehend anyone NOT loving him (or his family) enough, so then I get pissed about how much time Frank wasted on other people... the people who only called when they needed vehicular advice, or their cars fixed or some other chore... fuck 'em all (even if they are family - family doesn't mean the same to them as it does to me & my family). All that time wasted on THEM, could have been spent with me & OUR family. What a waste. It almost makes me want to vomit. So yeah... I'm hurt & angry, and have every right to be.
My heart hurts. Even if there is nothing wrong with it, it hurts like hell. I see a photo of him, or hear a certain song or have some memory, and my heart LITERALLY feels like it does a somersault. Today a song by Avenged Sevenfold came on the radio... something I had heard before, had no interest in & never paid attention to (a song that normally prompts me to change the station)... and it made me cry. Was it a sad song? Not particularly. I don't know why... some word or emotion in it got me going. THEN... when I was done with that little private drama, a few minutes later a new Black Keys song came on. Frank LOVED the Black Keys. This song was probably never heard by Frank... but it was different, but distinctly Black Keys. It had a dark tone, and while I'm not a HUGE fan of this band, it also made me cry. Frank would have loved it, and something about it was sad... or something.
Here's the two songs...
The Black Keys is a ROCK song (which is where I always
hear it - on 93X), but not until about 2 minutes into it:
The Black Keys is a ROCK song (which is where I always
hear it - on 93X), but not until about 2 minutes into it:
And here's the dumb A7X song that made me weep. WTF?
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