Devastation & Irony

Sometimes, when I see certain pictures of Frank, or hear a certain song or something just a thought of him, my heart literally hurts and/or does a little flip flop. It scares me, because I think that someday, this all will hit me REALLY hard and I will die of a broken heart. Am I next? Who knows... if Frank can be taken, then anyone can. :(

This last weekend was Memorial Day. I was emotional sitting at home, so decided to go to Target. I was worried about losing it in the store, but I lost it on the drive to & from the store. You see, all these lovely families were outside in their yards and at the parks, smiling and having a good time. Some were playing volleyball, some were playing catch. Others sat on their porches drinking cool summer drinks & bullshitting. At first, I would see them and smile and wave... my smile quickly faded with the sudden realization that I don't have a happy family anymore. I wondered what we would have been doing this weekend... probably nothing, but we would have been together for sure. Then I realized, it doesn't matter, because it will NEVER be so again.

Frank was ripped from my life with no warning. There was not time for goodbyes or I love yous or for him to get his affairs in order. This may sound cruel, but I think it would have been easier had he gotten cancer or something... at least we would have had SOME time, and he would have been able to speak to me. People have said that they'd like to go like he did... quick and painless. Um, why do people think heart attacks are painless? Frank's MASSIVE heart attack was relatively quiet as it snuck up on him, but when it actually hit, I can pretty much guarantee it hurt like hell. I saw his face... I heard the noises he made... I don't want to remember it, but I do. Then, to think that I might have tortured him even more by telling everyone to do whatever it takes??? That just about kills me inside. How selfish of me, right? And then the guilt sets in... 


I think of him being more worried about the vision thing than the mild chest pain... was the vision thing an early sign of heart failure/heart disease/heart attack? I know someone whose brother had an MI, and saw pinpoints and like he was looking down a closing tunnel when he was on his way to the hospital. Frank was worried about MS, but now I wonder if it was something else... and the vision thing had been going on & off sporadically over many months!

I feel guilt over not taking the slight weight gain more seriously, and for not seeing red flags when finding out how much coffee he'd been drinking at work. I knew he was more tired than usual, but he had been staying up later than usual, too and I think we both just chalked it up to aging...

Frank always said he would die early, because all the men in his family died too young. I don't think he meant THIS early, though. :'( He was always fascinated with angels, and we had many sculptures & statues of them throughout our house & yard, and he had a large angel tattoo on his arm... he called her his guardian angel, too! Was this some sort of sign, too? My mom thinks he was an angel in training... I still don't think it's fair or right!!!

February was National Heart Month. My daughter's class JUST did their Jump Rope for Heart fundraiser. Everything was done by the end of April... and then an HOUR into May 1st, Frank has a Massive Heart Attack, STEMI?!? I find that ironic... 


Anyways, those are my thoughts for this past weekend. Memorial Day is to honor our military heroes. Well, Frank was never in the military. In fact, he took a test to be a Marine, but failed it. After that, his Grandpa told him to go to Canada if the US ever brought back the draft. Frank decided LONG ago that the military life was not for him, and he didn't want any of his kids joining, either. Frank literally was MY hero... he saved me from myself, and showed me what love really was. He was a good father & he was my best friend. There's nothing bad I could say about him.