Bad Day

Dear Frank,

Today was really hard. I'm not quite sure why. The skies were dark & ominous up until noon or later. It thundered & rained for many hours. The dogs barked at every clap of thunder, and Lily tried to claw her way to the top of the pile of couch pillows by my bed/couch. Needless to say, I didn't sleep very good. Normally, I LOVE a good thunderstorm, but today was different... 


I did cry yesterday for about 15 minutes or so, while I was home alone. I felt guilty about something & thought about how that would make you feel, and I just lost it.

Today, though... ugh! I decided to go grocery shopping to get out of the house & occupy my mind with something else. I had been choking back tears all morning & well into the early afternoon. At the store, Franki became a handful, and wanting all kinds of "junk". I kept telling her, "No... we can't get that" and "Not today...", but she never really gave up. Finally, I'd had it and grabbed the toy from her and practically threw it on a shelf, knocking some jars over. I was SO pissed. I said to her very loudly "We can't buy that kind of stuff with food stamps! We're poor now, and can only get food with what I have!!!" First, I felt guilty as hell about yelling at her. Then, I felt mortified & embarrassed... I decided it was time to leave, whether I was done shopping or not. Once out to the car, I had a breakdown. Morgan didn't like it and got that snotty tone of voice with me, and told me to do what she does, which is "pretend". I have been pretty damn good at pretending for the past few weeks, but today was different. I told her "I can't pretend! Especially when out & about and not being able to do the things we used to do! I can't just buy Franki toys like we used to! We can't go out to eat like we used to, either! I'm on the verge of losing the house, have to find a roommate & am broke, so you can graduate here!" She told me I didn't "have to stay". *sigh* She wants to go live with a friend, and I'm just not comfortable with it, especially if I am 200+ miles away. :(


Then I went to Kwik Trip for smokes. Your friend from high school was working. I asked her "Do you have facebook?" She said "No, but my husband does." I said "So, you know about Frank?" and she replied "Yeah... my husband told me. I'm sorry but I just couldn't come to the funeral... too hard for me." I lost it again... full force this time!

I cried on & off for the next few hours, and I choked back quite a few tears as well. Today was just SO hard for me and I don't know why. Were you here with me? Were you visiting someone else? Are you here at all? You know I'm a skeptic, and would like a clear sign that you are here. And if you ARE here, sorry, but I am going to be possessive & greedy and want your spirit all for myself. Boy does that sound STUPID. I hope nobody ever reads this that I know...

Anyways, I am finally ready for bed... back to the craptastic sleep schedule like it was before. Hopefully tomorrow is sunny or just different in general. I meant to keep this short, but you know me... I always get long winded. With that, goodnight my dear. I love you!

With All My Heart,
~Lisa