Skepticism

It's been a strange past week. We had a psychic/medium reading who said a lot of things that didn't make sense, some things that kind of made sense and a few things that were dead on. There was nothing specific enough to convince me, though. Two "gifted" people have told me now that you are right here with me all the time, and that you sit on the bed with me. Apparently I should be feeling this, as if a cat or dog were to jump on the bed. Since we have pets, I know what that feels like, and the only time I've felt it is when it has indeed been a pet. And if it is true that you are at my side in bed, then what about some of the things I've done that I am not so proud of? It'd be nice to have your opinion to weigh in on things. Sometimes, I am ashamed. Other times, I just live in the moment & don't care. But I ALWAYS feel guilty afterwards. :( I just wish I knew... However, for the past 2 or 3 days, I have been smelling you. Not your Joop! cologne, either. It started in the bathroom with just a faint whiff. It lasted a couple of days, every time I used the bathroom. Today, I smelled you halfway up the stairs and all the way into the bathroom. Oh, how I love that scent. Pencil shavings. LOL The strangest body odor ever smelled, but not unpleasant at all. I was sitting on the throne pondering this aroma and realized the bathroom garbage can was touching the space heater & it was burning/melting. I moved it away immediately. I was starting to think that was the source of this distinct odor... but melting/burning plastic wouldn't smell anything like wood... would it? We shall see if that smell dissipates in the next day or so. Ironically, I was pondering these thoughts tonight in bed, when Morgan all of the sudden said "Mom! I just got a strong whiff of Frank's B.O.!!!" She was in the living room on the couch, trying to sleep. Irony? A fluke? Or is it you? Anyways... I think of you daily. I find men that tickle my fancy, but then I start comparing them to you. None of them stack up. I know deep down that nobody will ever measure up to you, but I would be content with just a few similar traits. Sadly, most men I've met are rough & tumble manly men. I need someone who is sensitive and compassionate, as well as passionate. I haven't really been "looking", but I have browsed personal sites and talked to a few guys & girls, but so far nothing really exciting. So, I'll give up, and on the loneliest of days, it can be quite depressing. On those days, I end up pissy & not wanting to talk to or see anyone. I like to curl up in bed, surrounded by plush blankets & nice pillows, and reminisce about our days of snuggling (and other things). I fall asleep with those thoughts in my head, hoping to induce happy dreams of you and I, but it never happens. No dreams at all. I can't remember the last time I dreamt. That makes me sad. Other people dream of you. Even your coworkers dream of you. This bothers me SO much, because I feel SO left out. And if all I have are memories & photos, then maybe it hurts because it feels like everything is dead. I can't even express this in accurate words. Anyways, I just wanted to check in & blabber a bit. I love you. I hope that someday you will make your presence known & give me a true sign that I can believe in. I have a hard time remembering things & an even harder time making decisions without you. A little guidance or reassurance would be sweet.

It's been a while...

I know my posts are fewer & further between lately. Most days, I manage to keep myself busy or distracted enough to NOT think of how lost I am without you, or how much I miss you. Then, once in a while, some memory will come to me... usually good ones, and I smile, even if only to myself. Even rarer are nights like this, where I remember something profoundly intimate & beautiful... something that I can't even describe n words to another human being, and I break down. The tears flow like they'll never stop. I get up, try to shake it off, go look for something to snack on or drink, and by the time I am out the door, I've forgotten what it was I was doing. The tears flow again. The harshness of the reality that I will NEVER experience those things again, slaps me in the face. At this exact moment, I want nothing more than to have you back. A time machine would be a dream come true...

I had a short stint on anti-depressants over the holidays. At it's peak time, about 4 weeks in, I realized I felt like a zombie... flat and apathetic about everything. I was also restless as hell, and jittery... trying to crawl out of my own skin. A zombie with no drive is horrible. I decided I'd rather be sad sometimes, okay in general, and happy in small doses than to feel nothing at all. I stopped taking them, and felt better almost immediately. Until tonight... now I'm realizing the past month, with the holidays and pills... those were just another distraction from reality. :'(

In that time I even went on a couple of dates, with 2 different guys. Both were respectable enough and nice, but after assessing each "date" I realized, I didn't really have enough fun or like them enough to pursue anything further. They were simply MORE temporary distractions... and now I feel just guilt about them. :( I know you'd want me to be happy, but I'm starting to think no guy is going to even come close...

I heard some new music... beautiful sounds to my ears. One by someone new, and another by a mutual favorite band of ours. I think you would have loved both, so I'm going to add them to this post, instead of putting them on the video page. I don't know why, but they are hauntingly beautiful to me, regardless of lyrical content.

I love you, Frank... I wish I felt your presence here with me. People say you are here, but how do they know? Why don't I feel or sense it? I feel like I am being robbed of something and am getting screwed out of something when I only have my memories. I don't even get you in dreams anymore...

I love you still, and I always will. And I miss you. <3