I miss you.

Dear Frank,
The fourth of July is drawing near, and I've found myself making plans to go up north. Gramma's memorial service is that weekend as well, so I'm kind of obligated to go. I don't really WANT to go, to be honest. :( I can't remember the last time I was without you on the fourth... before we met, 12 years ago? If it was just the 4th, I wouldn't go. It's that time of month, and you know how hard it is to travel or do anything, so I'm miserable anyways. I haven't slept in two nights in a row (or have gotten less than 3 hours each night), so I'm emotional and cranky. Now I am have to attend yet another sad event. Whose shoulder will I cry on? While I am visiting the cemetery, am I going to be "up to" looking for a plot for us? I'm starting to think my life is just a series of sad & tragic events, and am beginning to wonder what the point of it all is...

Today I cried. TWICE, and hard. I don't know WHY I thought it would be nice to watch the short video from your memorial service, but it really got me worked up. After that, I decided to watch the longer video. *kicking self* So, yeah... I cried some more. Nobody was home, so I just let it all out.

I started thinking of LITTLE things I miss about you.

I miss the way you closed your eyes when you talked on the phone with anyone for any length of time.

I miss the way you'd rub your chin when you'd be talking to someone, and eventually start rubbing from right under your nose to the bottom of your chin, and how I'd make fun of how nobody could understand you when you were doing that, because it sounded like you had a "mouthful of shit".

I miss the way your eyes would glaze over when you were watching TV and VERY into something. You would be oblivious to the world.

I miss the way you'd snap awake when I'd try to take the remote away from you, and would say "I'm watching that!" Or how you'd chuckle or mumble something while watching a show you'd fallen asleep on (for a long time), and act like you knew what was going on... even though you had missed many many minutes.

I miss the jerky little eye movements you'd have when  you were watching TV and your eyes were getting tired. I don't know if it was subconscious or intentional, but it seemed like you were trying to refocus.

I miss you talking in your sleep and how everyone was an "idiot" or "dumbshit" at work, and how MEAN you were to your co-workers and would have to explain to them how something worked. You never said any names, so I'll always wonder who you were so mad at. You always said you never dreamed, but I think you did... you just didn't ever remember them.

I miss you reaching over & groping me, or cornering me in the kitchen for a kiss, when kids were all wide awake and running around... the most INOPPORTUNE times! I think you did it on purpose, so they could see how much we loved each other.

I miss the little sweet things you'd say on a daily basis.

I miss your phone calls everyday after work.

I miss your soft kisses...

I just miss YOU. I feel like I could have been SUCH a better "wife" to you. You were always the better half of me, and everyone knows the world was robbed of the WRONG person. I know it, too. I feel SO much guilt about that... and about many other things, especially the day that you left us...

Anyways, I love you & am constantly thinking of you and missing everything about you. This next week will be hard, but I will try to pull through. If I fail, oh well. I'm only human, and I have a broken heart that hasn't had enough time to heal yet.

Eternally Yours,
~Lisa </3