Dear Frank,

I miss you SO fucking much, and I'm not sure if it's gotten any easier or if I've just been successful at keeping busy enough to keep my mind off things. I've become such a crybaby, though. I sleep with your photo on the coffee table so I can see you before I close my eyes. My heart hurts when I think of certain memories, and the tears come more easily.

I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I set up the blog for me & not for anyone else, so I'm going to say certain things that might make other people uncomfortable... but I don't care. I know you & I were always very open with each other & weren't afraid to say shit, so... yeah.

I remember the first time we made love... it was SO moving, and SO different than anything I'd ever experienced before. I KNEW you were "the one" that night. That most intimate moment was so profound, that I cried. I'd NEVER cried during sex before that night. Moved to tears... I remember the surprise on your face when you saw my tears, and you were so concerned for me. You thought you'd hurt me, and though I had a hard time articulating WHY I was crying, eventually I got it out. I had never had anything so good, so loving or gentle or so passionate. I FELT love in it. I don't think I said it that night, but I KNEW that I loved you right then & there. It was the first time I cried while in bed with you, but it was not the last... I was moved to tears many times over the years, and everything we did was just SO special, that nobody else could possibly understand the magnitude of our love. I always thought that people should be jealous of our love. We were truly connected, almost right from the start. I know that we were the definition of "soulmates". <3

I know deep in my heart, that I will NEVER find anyone that measures up to you. Everyone has their faults, but you had so very few... the ones you had were trivial, and YOU (just you) overshadowed anything that anyone could possibly bitch about.

You kissed me at least once a day, and everyday told me I was beautiful, gorgeous or sexy. We said 'I love you' EVERY day. When we were apart, we talked on the phone daily. When I was helping my mom with Gramma's hospice care, and you'd come to visit, I'd cry when you left. If I'd have known our remaining time together would be cut so short, I'd have stayed so I could get as much time with you as possible. If only I had a time machine...

You had the most beautiful, full & soft lips that I was always envious of. I can feel your kiss when I close my eyes... I never tired of touching your body and always marveled at the softness of your skin. After you were gone, I found myself lightly running my fingers over EVERYTHING, trying to feel you anywhere I could. Of course, I didn't find that feeling anywhere. I ask you at night to PLEASE touch me, hold me, talk to me, ANYTHING, and I don't get it. The only place I feel you is in my heart, and it feels like a huge gnawing hole is there, and it hurts... literally physically HURTS. I haven't had any dreams or nightmares since you've been gone, and maybe that's a blessing in disguise? I think of your body, and your "European" attributes, and know I will never find ANYONE like you again... your ice blue eyes, your chiseled nose...

I've decided to place personal ads on certain sites, mostly to find friends & maybe someone who is understanding of my attachment to you, and is willing to accept me for what I am... which is a broken woman. I don't want a physical relationship at all, but I crave companionship. It's been SO lonely without you. I think my odds of finding an understanding friend or companion like that is slim to none. You are simply irreplaceable, both in our connection with each other, your physical attributes and  your sensitive & gentle nature. It's not that I am ready to move on, but I need a distraction from the pain & emptiness inside of me... I think I will die of a broken heart the way things are going right now. I realize it's only been 6 weeks, but I can't take the hurt much longer...

I'd gladly have a relationship with a ghost if I knew you were here. Hell, I'd marry your ghost and continue on as if nothing ever happened. Sometimes, I pretend you are still coming home. I still have a hard time looking into my future & imagining life without you. When I do take a quick glimpse, I literally get sick to my stomach and want to puke. :'( So, I avoid that at all costs. If you are a ghost, or your spirit is here, will you follow me when I am forced to move back up north? I know that was our plan all along... and maybe you are already there waiting for me? I just don't know... it's hard to believe anything when you've been a skeptic for as long as I have been, but now when I want a sign, all I get is silence, and my own rambling thoughts, regrets & guilt.

Well, I'd better sign off for now before kids come over & start reading over my shoulder. I love you & miss you more than words can express. I just wish you were here... or that you'd have gotten cancer instead of a massive heart attack... at least we would have had more time. :'(

Love Always & Forever,
~Lisa