Dear Frank,
It's been well over a year since I've blogged/written here. It wasn't because I'd forgotten you, or moved on... I simply ran out of things to say. In the past year (and then some months), I've seen people, met people, dated, fooled around and fell in love... yes, fell in fucking love. On one hand, I am grateful for the experience, because I KNOW that I CAN love again. On the other hand, I hate myself for opening up and being foolish. The heart wants what the heart wants...
And here I lie, in bed and in pain... wondering WHY? all over again. I feel so vulnerable, fragile, and unlovable. I feel like the only person who ever truly loved me and loved me properly, was you. And obviously, I can't have that anymore. I can remember it, but that makes it that much worse. To see how disposable I am to other men (and our children), who have no regard to my heart or feelings, to lack that feeling of security and care you took with me... it literally makes me sick to my stomach. Right now, I could easily drown in tears and vomit of self hatred.
HOW could I have been SO lucky to have had you as mine for all those years, and yet SO unlucky (cursed?) in the years before, and even more so in the years following your passing??? What have I done to deserve it? Why can't others see the value in me as you did? I just cannot understand it, and maybe, deep down, I don't want to...
Why must I want things that I can't have? Why must I always see the best in others, but don't get it in return? Why am I continually hurt and betrayed by those who mean the most to me?
My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I am nauseous. And my fucking heart hurts. And it doesn't matter one bit to anyone who I want it to matter to. Yes, I have family and a few select friends, but they don't provide me the kind of love and attention and affection that I need.
I know I can survive all of this. After all, the worst things have already happened to me, and I'm still here. The hedonist in me wants it all, though. And if it weren't for our children, even those who have hurt me (or us) SO much recently and over the years, I think tonight is one of those nights that I would absolutely end it all, because it's just too much to bear. Surviving isn't living, and I am miserable.
In the end, I just want to be loved... loved like I was. I know that finding another you, another Frank, is impossible... which makes me wonder why I do the things I do, and why I continue to try and have hope. I am emotionally retarded, and SO goddamn NEEDY.
I know I've said this before, but if there is such thing as ghosts or spirits (and I truly would love to believe), please prove it to me, and come back. I'd rather have the love of a dead man than this nothing at all. </3
Love Always,
~Lisa
