Well, it was really just another Thanksgiving. I meant to bring a candle to light in your memory, but I forgot in all the chaos of trying to get out the door with kids & food. *sigh* It was like any other Thanksgiving. Lots of food, lots of visiting with your family & lots of laughs. I heard stories about you... only the kind of stories people would tell knowing you would never be around to tell your side of the story. They were funny, though. I sure miss you... Thanksgiving was never a huge deal with us, so I'm not sure the lack of your presence affected me the way I thought it would. Christmas, on the other hand, is going to be hard and I know it. Anyways, I guess I'm going to look at gift options for the kids since today is Black Friday. I've sworn off shopping unless I know for sure something is in stock that is a MUST have. Kevin is here, so that is nice. Ashley was here yesterday with Matt & Colton, and that was nice, too. It was almost like having our family back together, except without Lexi and you. I love you! Wishing you were here...
Love Forever,
~Lisa
Friday, November 23, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Good Gawd...
The ups & downs of trying to be "responsibly intoxicated":
1. Being able to drive yourself home after 2 shots of tequila & 2 tall strong drinks... after not drinking for 3+ weeks.
2. Being able to drink water & not take it any further... accompanied with not doing this very often, and years of earlier experience?
3. Stopping at the gas station on the way home for smokes, being not sober enough to drive and having 3 cop cars sitting there... getting in your car & saying to yourself "Ha! Take that!" to the 'pigs' in the rearview mirror while crankin' 'Fuck Da Police' by N.W.A., while waiting for an obviously broken new traffic light... 10 min. with no cross traffic??? REALLY?!?!.. and finally "blowing it" and going anyways (with 3 said cops in the rearview), and saying "Eff it" while wailing burst-your-eardrums Alice In Chains on the radio.
4. Being able to coherently type this status at 2 AM.
The cons?:
5. Not being able to find a sober cab.
6. Being flirted with by a "so so" guy, to soon realize he is flirting with EVERYONE... and the attractive people being unavailable or unknown.
7. Not being true to ones's self.
8. All of the above and pure 'luck'.
9. The tears that flow as I type.
A day in the life... luckily not one that happens very often, and risky choices at worst, and most likely won't happen again - TOO much chance for me. But, now that I'm home safe & sound in my bed, all is well and I shall sleep well. Did I have other options? Yes. Did I make poor choices? Yes. Could things have been worse? MUCH MORE SO. Night is done, and these are the situations that occurred and went through my mind, Point is, would have been MUCH easier as a couple and one or the other being a D.D. I won't do it again... can say that much. And yes, I was fucking LUCKY as hell!!! Not bragging. Stating facts.
All this? In case anyone was wondering.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Oh dear...
Hello, My Love,
I know I haven't written in a while... I've been a kind of zombie haze over the past 2 weeks for some reason. I think all of the fun had in October made the bore of November that much more stark in comparison. While things are looking up in fairness (regarding your estate) for all our kids, I am in a rut. I need MY mechanic now more than ever... and just need you.
Everything that could go wrong with my car has... amongst other things with your remaining vehicles. Having to rely on the kindness & generosity of your mechanic friends has begun to wear on me. I'm constantly concerned about money, and not wanting to "pester" your friends for help... and everything seems to be going wrong at once.
The burdens of this house have become too much for me to bear. I should be packing, and repairing things... cleaning it up since I've found out I'll be losing it sooner than later now with the impending short sale. I have no clue where I'll go, or what I'll do. It's all just too much for me to think about or be bothered with.
There's a guy that likes me, and I went on a date with him. It was a dud... and now he wants to see me again. I'm not excited about it & really would just rather not. He's sweet, smart & MUCH younger than me... but I'm just not "feeling it". I should take advantage, since I have no one else. But, I won't... I've lost interest for the most part. Nobody compares to you... I doubt anyone ever will. But the loneliness really SUCKS.
The holidays are nearing. I am thankful your mom called to invite us over for Thanksgiving. I was worried I'd have to start a new tradition. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are still up in the air. Nobody has money to come down here (aside from my mom), and my car won't make it up there. :( Anyways... they're gonna suck. I'll try to make them NOT suck for the kids' sake.
I don't have much else to report or say. This was our planned wedding time... shack time... hunting time. I'm doing none of those things, as much as I'd love to, but they've been weighing heavily on my mind since November began. NOBODY went to the shack this year, and I can't go alone... not that my car would make it. I wanted to spread some ashes there, and just relax & reflect. Maybe later... </3
Much Love,
~Lisa
I know I haven't written in a while... I've been a kind of zombie haze over the past 2 weeks for some reason. I think all of the fun had in October made the bore of November that much more stark in comparison. While things are looking up in fairness (regarding your estate) for all our kids, I am in a rut. I need MY mechanic now more than ever... and just need you.
Everything that could go wrong with my car has... amongst other things with your remaining vehicles. Having to rely on the kindness & generosity of your mechanic friends has begun to wear on me. I'm constantly concerned about money, and not wanting to "pester" your friends for help... and everything seems to be going wrong at once.
The burdens of this house have become too much for me to bear. I should be packing, and repairing things... cleaning it up since I've found out I'll be losing it sooner than later now with the impending short sale. I have no clue where I'll go, or what I'll do. It's all just too much for me to think about or be bothered with.
There's a guy that likes me, and I went on a date with him. It was a dud... and now he wants to see me again. I'm not excited about it & really would just rather not. He's sweet, smart & MUCH younger than me... but I'm just not "feeling it". I should take advantage, since I have no one else. But, I won't... I've lost interest for the most part. Nobody compares to you... I doubt anyone ever will. But the loneliness really SUCKS.
The holidays are nearing. I am thankful your mom called to invite us over for Thanksgiving. I was worried I'd have to start a new tradition. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are still up in the air. Nobody has money to come down here (aside from my mom), and my car won't make it up there. :( Anyways... they're gonna suck. I'll try to make them NOT suck for the kids' sake.
I don't have much else to report or say. This was our planned wedding time... shack time... hunting time. I'm doing none of those things, as much as I'd love to, but they've been weighing heavily on my mind since November began. NOBODY went to the shack this year, and I can't go alone... not that my car would make it. I wanted to spread some ashes there, and just relax & reflect. Maybe later... </3
Much Love,
~Lisa
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Half a year...
Where has the time gone? I know it doesn't matter to anyone but me, but your kids & everyone else is posting today about it being 6 months. The 1st was 6 months. :( Yes, you were revived and brought back and then gone again on the 3rd. But were you REALLY there for those 2.5 days? I don't know... I just know my nightmare began on the first, and I watched you die twice. I don't think anyone realizes what the first was like, at home. The only one who really knows is Jody... and the EMTs of course. For me, it's better to think of the first as THE day... then I don't have to think about the time spent in the hospital with you, the ups & downs or you not looking like you... the chaos of it all. It is easier for me to accept that when you collapsed & I caught you falling off the couch so you wouldn't hit your head was it. Walking talking & fine one minute, and gone the next. Poof! It's just easier that way. I don't tell the kids or many other people that it was really May 1st, and I'm sure people think I am weird or dumb whenever I post or say anything about the first being "the" day, but unless they ask, I'll just leave things be as they are. *sigh*
I stayed busy ALL month during October. Halloween was a little hard, because you were so much more patient than me taking Franki trick-or-treating. I just wanted it done & over with... she lasted an hour, then we came home. I dressed up as a zombie twice for various events. Went to many events & scary attractions (that weren't really scary). The best was the Mounds Theatre haunted tour. I had hoped you'd follow me & maybe I'd see or hear you through their equipment, but I didn't. I did feel & hear some things, though. Now my plan is to get my own equipment. Maybe it's hokey, and you know I'm a skeptic, but I'll try anything just to hear or contact you somehow. I hope to also find a REAL medium someday who might be able to help me... us? I was told by my stepmom that you are distancing yourself on purpose, so that I won't be so hung up on you & can move on easier... that sounds like bullshit to me. I think I'm doing better than most women in my position have done. And why would you tell or show her that and not me... or anyone else for that matter? Another friend (in Canada whom I've never met) claims you were talking to her one night. Some things seemed legit, but most of it made no sense to me at all. I just don't know what to believe... I want to believe you are here in spirit, but need something more convincing to happen. :(
November is upon us. We would have been married this month... last year, this year, next year... who knows for sure. I thought after the chaos of October had ended, I'd have a little peace and time to reflect. Nope! I want nothing more than to be up at the shack and spread some of your ashes there, and lie in the bed we shared, hike the trails we explored together, eat venison & remember you with the guys. But, that won't happen this year... nobody is there. Nobody plans to go there. I can't do it alone, and it's not a place for the kids. :( I could just cry. My plan for the last 6 months has to go up there as we had planned, and leave a little bit of you there, and reflect upon everything... and now those plans have been squashed. I could go on my own, but I don't know how to run the generator, start the oven, or anything else that one would need to know. *kicking self for not being more independent* Oh well, some things are just out of my control. Maybe next year...
I know my posts have been less frequent than before, and as much as I want to blog & have a record of EVERYTHING, when I am busy, it's hard to find the time or know what to say. I think of you always, but I can't possibly jot down every little thought. You are eternally on my mind and in my heart, and if you are truly here, I hope you know that. I miss you. <3
Forever Yours,
~Lisa
I stayed busy ALL month during October. Halloween was a little hard, because you were so much more patient than me taking Franki trick-or-treating. I just wanted it done & over with... she lasted an hour, then we came home. I dressed up as a zombie twice for various events. Went to many events & scary attractions (that weren't really scary). The best was the Mounds Theatre haunted tour. I had hoped you'd follow me & maybe I'd see or hear you through their equipment, but I didn't. I did feel & hear some things, though. Now my plan is to get my own equipment. Maybe it's hokey, and you know I'm a skeptic, but I'll try anything just to hear or contact you somehow. I hope to also find a REAL medium someday who might be able to help me... us? I was told by my stepmom that you are distancing yourself on purpose, so that I won't be so hung up on you & can move on easier... that sounds like bullshit to me. I think I'm doing better than most women in my position have done. And why would you tell or show her that and not me... or anyone else for that matter? Another friend (in Canada whom I've never met) claims you were talking to her one night. Some things seemed legit, but most of it made no sense to me at all. I just don't know what to believe... I want to believe you are here in spirit, but need something more convincing to happen. :(
November is upon us. We would have been married this month... last year, this year, next year... who knows for sure. I thought after the chaos of October had ended, I'd have a little peace and time to reflect. Nope! I want nothing more than to be up at the shack and spread some of your ashes there, and lie in the bed we shared, hike the trails we explored together, eat venison & remember you with the guys. But, that won't happen this year... nobody is there. Nobody plans to go there. I can't do it alone, and it's not a place for the kids. :( I could just cry. My plan for the last 6 months has to go up there as we had planned, and leave a little bit of you there, and reflect upon everything... and now those plans have been squashed. I could go on my own, but I don't know how to run the generator, start the oven, or anything else that one would need to know. *kicking self for not being more independent* Oh well, some things are just out of my control. Maybe next year...
I know my posts have been less frequent than before, and as much as I want to blog & have a record of EVERYTHING, when I am busy, it's hard to find the time or know what to say. I think of you always, but I can't possibly jot down every little thought. You are eternally on my mind and in my heart, and if you are truly here, I hope you know that. I miss you. <3
Forever Yours,
~Lisa
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)