*Exhale*

I find myself more & more lonely, even though I've been spending more & more time with family & friends. I don't get it. I understand this is normal, but I HATE it with a passion!!!

I've decided (kind of anyways) that I NEED someone... I need a companion. I do not want a boyfriend or a lover or anything of that sort, but I crave companionship & adult conversation. Nobody will ever replace Frank... EVER, and I would never even want that. Frank IS/WAS my soulmate, and I know I will never feel differently. But, I meet people... I know people... not many friends outside of my old friends who live far away, but it's not the same. I've met men, and said "Oh they're cute!" but have NO desire to pursue ANYTHING with any of them. Judging by how I am treated by other "friends" and acquaintances, it's like I have the plague and people just avoid me. While I realize it might be awkward for these "friends" to be around or talk to or call or visit me, I am still a human being!!! I am hurt by the actions (or lack thereof) by our so-called "friends" and "family". So, obviously I need to make new "friends"... friends with something in common with me.

I'll admit, I HAVE met some guys while out & about. However, they were fucking downright CREEPY. When they outright asked me WHY I wasn't interested in them or WHY I didn't think they were "cute" I blurted out "I'm a fucking widow." Well, I've found that THAT little statement pretty much scares them away! I guess it is good for SOMETHING... ? :S On the other hand, when telling people "a little about myself" and bringing up Frank, I get the same reaction... from people I'd genuinely be interested in getting to know better! WTH?

I hope that when I finally join the young widows & widowers support group, that everything will change and I will actually meet people that have something in common with me. Only a few more weeks...

School starts soon, and I think the loneliness will REALLY set in. I've got companion personal ads out there, but still seem to attract sex fiends & creepers. At least I find out right away & can block them and move on. So far, everyone seems WEIRD or fake. I find it hard to believe that it's SO hard to meet decent people online... after all, it's EXACTLY how Frank and I came to be (in a round about way)!!! *sigh*

The worst part is the physical wants & needs. I know they, too, are "normal". But when I feel them, I feel guilty... like a cheater! And that's just THINKING! I worry that if I DID meet someone or acted upon some primal desire, I would end up in tears... or just walk away & never look back. I know that would freak a person out as well. Is it weird to want to look for a friend, with the possibility of benefits, but no desire for a LTR or "love" and actually spell that out to people? I find that honesty is the best policy, but I still feel like a freak for saying, thinking & feeling the things I do. :( Maybe I should consider myself lucky that I can rid my body of these "urges" in 30 seconds or less... although, I still end up crying like a bitch afterwards for whatever reason... or maybe multiple reasons? Who knows... maybe I am really losing my marbles.

Everything I read says everything I am feeling & going through is normal. I don't want to be "normal". I just want to be loved... in the way that ONLY Frank ever loved me. </3