Sometimes...

Dear Frank,

It's been well over a year since I've blogged/written here. It wasn't because I'd forgotten you, or moved on... I simply ran out of things to say. In the past year (and then some months), I've seen people, met people, dated, fooled around and fell in love... yes, fell in fucking love. On one hand, I am grateful for the experience, because I KNOW that I CAN love again. On the other hand, I hate myself for opening up and being foolish. The heart wants what the heart wants...

And here I lie, in bed and in pain... wondering WHY? all over again. I feel so vulnerable, fragile, and unlovable. I feel like the only person who ever truly loved me and loved me properly, was you. And obviously, I can't have that anymore. I can remember it, but that makes it that much worse. To see how disposable I am to other men (and our children), who have no regard to my heart or feelings, to lack that feeling of security and care you took with me... it literally makes me sick to my stomach. Right now, I could easily drown in tears and vomit of self hatred.

HOW could I have been SO lucky to have had you as mine for all those years, and yet SO unlucky (cursed?) in the years before, and even more so in the years following your passing??? What have I done to deserve it? Why can't others see the value in me as you did? I just cannot understand it, and maybe, deep down, I don't want to... 

Why must I want things that I can't have? Why must I always see the best in others, but don't get it in return? Why am I continually hurt and betrayed by those who mean the most to me?

My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I am nauseous. And my fucking heart hurts. And it doesn't matter one bit to anyone who I want it to matter to. Yes, I have family and a few select friends, but they don't provide me the kind of love and attention and affection that I need.

I know I can survive all of this. After all, the worst things have already happened to me, and I'm still here. The hedonist in me wants it all, though. And if it weren't for our children, even those who have hurt me (or us) SO much recently and over the years, I think tonight is one of those nights that I would absolutely end it all, because it's just too much to bear. Surviving isn't living, and I am miserable.

In the end, I just want to be loved... loved like I was. I know that finding another you, another Frank, is impossible... which makes me wonder why I do the things I do, and why I continue to try and have hope. I am emotionally retarded, and SO goddamn NEEDY.

I know I've said this before, but if there is such thing as ghosts or spirits (and I truly would love to believe), please prove it to me, and come back. I'd rather have the love of a dead man than this nothing at all. </3

Love Always,
~Lisa

Not any easier yet...

Lately, I've been feeling more & more like a zombie. I'm crawling out of my own skin, yet unable to even go through the motions of daily living. The things I do are only out of necessity. I am in survival mode. I am not living, unless I am living in hell. I complete a few little tasks, and am physically, emotionally & mentally spent and overwhelmed. I am in bed more than I'd like to be, and I never wake up feeling refreshed or renewed. My body aches so bad. I am so exhausted. And in the back of my mind I am still craving human companionship, or more precisely, your touch. 

The time has come for me to leave this house. It has been sold and I have a month to get my shit together & move out. This means packing & storing, deciding what stays & what goes, trying to sell and/or give away the unnecessary things, while still trying to hang onto to the things that remind me of you. Yet, I have no place to go. I'm on a waiting list for public & subsidized housing, and yet have heard NOTHING. It is a LONG waiting list I know, but I fear nothing will come along by the time I need it. I could move back in with my mother, but would rather not. I have to drive around to the housing authorities in Dakota & Ramsey Counties, and plead my case to see if there's anything anyone can do to help me. I feel as if I am in dire straits. I am due for recertification for medical assistance. Morgan is 18 and we don't even know if she'll be allowed to be on my housing applications, as she is technically responsible for herself. There are forms to fill out, yet no printer ink to get them done at home. I am burning gas to get to & from all these places. They will want banking info, which I can't access without physically going to the bank & requesting it, due to the asshole who stole my checks & forced me to freeze, shut down & reopen my accounts. I am broke, and yet have so many "things" that I do not need. This is going to be hard to figure out where to put stuff, and what to keep. Technically I have 5 vehicles! 4 of them MUST be stored somewhere or sold. I am reluctant to sell the two collectibles that you cherished so much. The kids are deeply connected to the oldest car, and I have my own feelings about the next oldest one. One is safe in storage with family. The other is still where you stored it two winters ago, so it cannot stay there forever with that family's impendng move of their own!  I have the camper... which I could live in I suppose, but I've been filling it with things that need to be stored, and your things that I don't want to get rid of. :( The van has not sold yet, and there's been little interest in it. I have a possible trade set up, but I will believe it when I see it. If it goes through, I will own a Jeep instead that will be able to tow the camper. 

I just physically cannot do it all. I don't know what to do, where to start, who to call for help or anything for that matter. I just feel so dumb lately! And yet I will HAVE to be out of here sooner than later... I just don't know how I'm physically going to be able to do it without any help. My mother is pressuring me about packing, downsizing, thinking I should have more done than what I really do have done, plus telling me where I can and cannot live, and what I can and cannot afford. I know what I can afford. In reality, a place like that just doesn't exist. I don't want to be in Lakeville, and I don't want to be up north. Maybe tomorrow I will get some sort of answers. 

I just don't want to do anything. I have kids & dogs & myself to think about. I don't want to hurt myself more than I already am by doing more than I am physically able to. Nobody seems to get that. I do the physical therapy exercises. I take pain meds & muscle relaxants to help, but all they do is take the edge off. Now I'm going on 3 days with no inhalers, so I can't be doing much without having an asthma attack, whether by physical exertion or by stirring up dust. I'm just stuck. And I'm sick of it. I feel disabled, even if only temporarily, but nobody else sees or gets that. I'm on the verge of tears more & more often, because I have on a poker face, but in reality, I'm falling apart with stress, worry, pain and grief. They say not to make any major decisions until after a year following a major loss... I will have almost exactly one year to get the hell out of our house, and that means less than a year to decide where I'm going. I'm not ready for this, regardless of whether I have a choice or not. I wish that someone could make decisions for me, as I am completely lost. 

And as far as work goes? I don't want to work. I don't want to put my child in daycare. I don't trust people and NEVER will. I "should" be able to get by on what we get. I wouldn't mind doing some volunteer work or picking up a cause or two, but I don't want to have to work or look for work just to scrape by. Anyways... 

I'm angry & hurt, and beyond that I don't even know. :( I needed a place to rant, and nobody else gets it or gets me. Just you & my therapist. You're not here (at least not physically) and I only get one hour a week to spill everything in her office. *sigh* 

I could really use some guardian angels right about now, IF they truly exist. *hint hint* Everyone says "You'll figure it out." Sure. I'm sure everything will work out. But will I have ANY sort of CHOICE in these matters? Doubtful. I may end up in a bad neighborhood. Oh well... I guess I'll have to take what I can get, if anything. 

Love Always,
Your Princess

PS One of our favorite bands, that we got to see a few times, has broken up. :( They were together TWELVE years as well. *sigh* So sad. I literally cried when I heard. I had JUST posted new songs by them a few weeks back on this blog. I guess it's true that all good things must eventually come to an end. Thank gawd the memories and the music will live forever... or at least until I am senile or have Alzheimer's. So long My Chemical Romance. 

Strange Days...

I know it's been a while since I've been here. Truthfully, I'm not out of things to say but I've run out of words & ways to express my feelings. So, now I sit and wait for the grief part to kick in... I mean, it's always here, but I mean tears & sobs. So far? Not much. That alone makes me sad. 

Right now I'm in this process of trying to figure out who I am without you & what I want to do with my life, and where I want to be. I just don't know yet. I really don't want to do anything. Things were fine the way they were, and I was content and happy with our life. But now it's my life, and it's going to be a struggle. 

Tonight, something just struck me after seeing something in a movie. When we were together, life was a literally a blur. I don't remember specific things or every little thing we did or where we went. I never noticed new people or made any close friends, because I had you. YOU made me happy. Other people were just not important. I mean, family was and is important to us, but I'm talking about outsiders... "friends". I was perfectly content with our relationship, and it was enough. Spending time together was all that mattered. When it was just you & me, NOTHING else really mattered or I was oblivious to it all. Maybe all great loves are like that. Hell if I know. I just know that nothing was more enjoyable than when we were doing things together, and it didn't matter what. When I think of the things that made us so connected, my knees, thighs & ears get hot and my head feels light, airy and empty. Fuzzy? I call these feelings "the warm & fuzzies" in fact. But that's what it's like. Weird... Now I feel like I am hyper aware of a lot of things, but still have no sort of memory or attention span, and if I look at my life from the outside, everything is very surreal. 

I try to acknowledge you daily, even if it is in my own little way. I look at your photos on my dresser and smile. Something funny will happen or a song will come on the radio and I am reminded of you. I suppose it will always be like that on some level, and I am okay with that. I still feel as if I have nobody I can relate to. I'm in the grief support group again, but still have made no connections with anyone. Maybe I will just always feel like the odd man out. Most of the time, I think that only my therapist gets me, and that's because she's lived through this, too. I picked up a book & began to read it last week. I felt like the author "got me", too... she also had a similar story. I cried through the few chapters I read, and just wish I could find one person, a friend in real life that I could make that would "get me". Maybe someday. Sick of feeling like an outsider...

I am still waiting for you in my dreams and in spirit to make your presence known. The last dream I had of you was NOT a nice one at all, and I wish I'd never had it or remembered it. No more of those, please! :( Just wish we could have a 2 way conversation, instead of the 1 way types I have in my head or out loud when nobody is around. I'm sure you'd be glad to not be present during these past few weeks. Too much drama, and most of it out of my control. :( 

I also wonder about heaven. I wonder if it exists, and know that's where you'd be if it was real. I wish you could tell me about it and explain to me all the things I've ever been skeptical about. Because, if heaven is where you are, then that's where I want to go, too someday... and right now, I don't think I'd go there if I died tomorrow. There are just too many unanswered questions... 

Anyways. I <3 you.

Always, 
~Lisa

Skepticism

It's been a strange past week. We had a psychic/medium reading who said a lot of things that didn't make sense, some things that kind of made sense and a few things that were dead on. There was nothing specific enough to convince me, though. Two "gifted" people have told me now that you are right here with me all the time, and that you sit on the bed with me. Apparently I should be feeling this, as if a cat or dog were to jump on the bed. Since we have pets, I know what that feels like, and the only time I've felt it is when it has indeed been a pet. And if it is true that you are at my side in bed, then what about some of the things I've done that I am not so proud of? It'd be nice to have your opinion to weigh in on things. Sometimes, I am ashamed. Other times, I just live in the moment & don't care. But I ALWAYS feel guilty afterwards. :( I just wish I knew... However, for the past 2 or 3 days, I have been smelling you. Not your Joop! cologne, either. It started in the bathroom with just a faint whiff. It lasted a couple of days, every time I used the bathroom. Today, I smelled you halfway up the stairs and all the way into the bathroom. Oh, how I love that scent. Pencil shavings. LOL The strangest body odor ever smelled, but not unpleasant at all. I was sitting on the throne pondering this aroma and realized the bathroom garbage can was touching the space heater & it was burning/melting. I moved it away immediately. I was starting to think that was the source of this distinct odor... but melting/burning plastic wouldn't smell anything like wood... would it? We shall see if that smell dissipates in the next day or so. Ironically, I was pondering these thoughts tonight in bed, when Morgan all of the sudden said "Mom! I just got a strong whiff of Frank's B.O.!!!" She was in the living room on the couch, trying to sleep. Irony? A fluke? Or is it you? Anyways... I think of you daily. I find men that tickle my fancy, but then I start comparing them to you. None of them stack up. I know deep down that nobody will ever measure up to you, but I would be content with just a few similar traits. Sadly, most men I've met are rough & tumble manly men. I need someone who is sensitive and compassionate, as well as passionate. I haven't really been "looking", but I have browsed personal sites and talked to a few guys & girls, but so far nothing really exciting. So, I'll give up, and on the loneliest of days, it can be quite depressing. On those days, I end up pissy & not wanting to talk to or see anyone. I like to curl up in bed, surrounded by plush blankets & nice pillows, and reminisce about our days of snuggling (and other things). I fall asleep with those thoughts in my head, hoping to induce happy dreams of you and I, but it never happens. No dreams at all. I can't remember the last time I dreamt. That makes me sad. Other people dream of you. Even your coworkers dream of you. This bothers me SO much, because I feel SO left out. And if all I have are memories & photos, then maybe it hurts because it feels like everything is dead. I can't even express this in accurate words. Anyways, I just wanted to check in & blabber a bit. I love you. I hope that someday you will make your presence known & give me a true sign that I can believe in. I have a hard time remembering things & an even harder time making decisions without you. A little guidance or reassurance would be sweet.

It's been a while...

I know my posts are fewer & further between lately. Most days, I manage to keep myself busy or distracted enough to NOT think of how lost I am without you, or how much I miss you. Then, once in a while, some memory will come to me... usually good ones, and I smile, even if only to myself. Even rarer are nights like this, where I remember something profoundly intimate & beautiful... something that I can't even describe n words to another human being, and I break down. The tears flow like they'll never stop. I get up, try to shake it off, go look for something to snack on or drink, and by the time I am out the door, I've forgotten what it was I was doing. The tears flow again. The harshness of the reality that I will NEVER experience those things again, slaps me in the face. At this exact moment, I want nothing more than to have you back. A time machine would be a dream come true...

I had a short stint on anti-depressants over the holidays. At it's peak time, about 4 weeks in, I realized I felt like a zombie... flat and apathetic about everything. I was also restless as hell, and jittery... trying to crawl out of my own skin. A zombie with no drive is horrible. I decided I'd rather be sad sometimes, okay in general, and happy in small doses than to feel nothing at all. I stopped taking them, and felt better almost immediately. Until tonight... now I'm realizing the past month, with the holidays and pills... those were just another distraction from reality. :'(

In that time I even went on a couple of dates, with 2 different guys. Both were respectable enough and nice, but after assessing each "date" I realized, I didn't really have enough fun or like them enough to pursue anything further. They were simply MORE temporary distractions... and now I feel just guilt about them. :( I know you'd want me to be happy, but I'm starting to think no guy is going to even come close...

I heard some new music... beautiful sounds to my ears. One by someone new, and another by a mutual favorite band of ours. I think you would have loved both, so I'm going to add them to this post, instead of putting them on the video page. I don't know why, but they are hauntingly beautiful to me, regardless of lyrical content.

I love you, Frank... I wish I felt your presence here with me. People say you are here, but how do they know? Why don't I feel or sense it? I feel like I am being robbed of something and am getting screwed out of something when I only have my memories. I don't even get you in dreams anymore...

I love you still, and I always will. And I miss you. <3 

Thanksgiving

Well, it was really just another Thanksgiving. I meant to bring a candle to light in your memory, but I forgot in all the chaos of trying to get out the door with kids & food. *sigh* It was like any other Thanksgiving. Lots of food, lots of visiting with your family & lots of laughs. I heard stories about you... only the kind of stories people would tell knowing you would never be around to tell your side of the story. They were funny, though. I sure miss you... Thanksgiving was never a huge deal with us, so I'm not sure the lack of your presence affected me the way I thought it would. Christmas, on the other hand, is going to be hard and I know it. Anyways, I guess I'm going to look at gift options for the kids since today is Black Friday. I've sworn off shopping unless I know for sure something is in stock that is a MUST have. Kevin is here, so that is nice. Ashley was here yesterday with Matt & Colton, and that was nice, too. It was almost like having our family back together, except without Lexi and you. I love you! Wishing you were here... 

Love Forever,
~Lisa

Good Gawd...

The ups & downs of trying to be "responsibly intoxicated":
1. Being able to drive yourself home after 2 shots of tequila & 2 tall strong drinks... after not drinking for 3+ weeks.
2. Being able to drink water & not take it any further... accompanied with not doing this very often, and years of earlier experience?
3. Stopping at the gas station on the way home for smokes, being not sober enough to drive and having 3 cop cars sitting there... getting in your car & saying to yourself "Ha! Take that!" to the 'pigs' in the rearview mirror while crankin' 'Fuck Da Police' by N.W.A., while waiting for an obviously broken new traffic light... 10 min. with no cross traffic??? REALLY?!?!.. and finally "blowing it" and going anyways (with 3 said cops in the rearview), and saying "Eff it" while wailing burst-your-eardrums Alice In Chains on the radio.
4. Being able to coherently type this status at 2 AM.

The cons?:
5. Not being able to find a sober cab.
6. Being flirted with by a "so so" guy, to soon realize he is flirting with EVERYONE... and the attractive people being unavailable or unknown.
7. Not being true to ones's self.
8. All of the above and pure 'luck'.
9. The tears that flow as I type.

A day in the life... luckily not one that happens  very often, and risky choices at worst,  and most likely won't happen again - TOO much chance for me. But, now that I'm home safe & sound in my bed, all is well and I shall sleep well. Did I have other options? Yes. Did I make poor choices? Yes. Could things have been worse? MUCH MORE SO. Night is done, and these are the situations that occurred and went through my mind, Point is, would have been MUCH easier as a couple and one or the other being a D.D. I won't do it again...  can say that much. And yes, I was fucking LUCKY as hell!!! Not bragging. Stating facts.

All this? In case anyone was wondering.