My Dearest Frank,
Time keeps slipping by, moving slowly at times, and too quickly at others. I've noticed the gaps between my posts & my letters to you get further & further apart. :(
Today I had a good cry. I met my new therapist (a grief therapist to be exact) today. She was telling me about herself when she said "When I was 35 years old, I lost my husband." I lost it, and it was downhill (or uphill?) from there. She had 6 kids that were "yours, mine & ours". I almost feel like it was fate. I was SO reluctant over the past 2 months to seek therapy because I simply didn't want to talk to 'some stranger' about my problems, someone who couldn't possibly relate and someone I would never see again after I was "healed". Lo and behold, the first one I meet has a LOT in common with me, and can definitely relate. When I was filling out my intake forms, there was a "family history" section, and I had to check one of the following "single, married, divorced, widowed, significant partner or other". I left it blank while I filled out the rest of the form. I am having a hard time labeling myself as a "widow"... but I checked it anyways and then checked the 'other' box and wrote in "soulmate". That struck my therapist somehow, and she commented on it. </3 She said I am dealing with a LOT more than grief. She said I've also been majorly traumatized since I was with you when you truly left us (before EMTs brought you back) and that it is rare to experience a loss like that AND witness it, plus it really happened twice... I don't know if that means I have PTSD or what, but it sounds like it. She became a grief counselor & founded a few grief groups for young widows, children & teens. She, like me, didn't want to join a therapy group that consisted of 80 year old widows, because it just isn't the same. She said WE belong to an exclusive club. I felt like she totally "got" me. Next time we meet, she'll be giving me info & literature on some of these groups that are actually in the area.
This past weekend, the kids came to see me for the first time since you've been gone. It was SO nice to have them here! I didn't know how much I'd missed them until they were actually here. I was happy to have them around, but at one point I was struck with sadness when I looked at your son. He was playing video games and totally in 'the zone' and he looked SO much like you... and I NEVER think he looks like you! </3 On Sunday we went to visit your mom. We stayed for a few hours & the kids ate homemade Calico Beans with her. It was nice to get together with her, but my heart just aches for her as well. While I was getting ready to leave, my phone rang. It was your oldest baby girl, and she was crying. Her douchebag boyfriend broke up with her and kicked her out. I went and picked her up, and have been trying to help her get her own affairs in order so that she can become independent & have her son with her as much as possible. I think that independence would empower her as well. She's been here nearly a week, and we've gotten a LOT accomplished. On our way home from your mom's and picking her up, her phone rang and she got good news about a job she'd applied for, so she starts that next week. :) The timing couldn't have been better, and she really needed that little 'pick-me-up'. While I enjoy having her here with me, and treasure our relationship, I cannot support her with the new lifestyle & very limited means. As it is, I don't know how I'm going to pay August's house payment, and I am very discouraged by how the benefit planning is going so far. We have SO little help, no big ticket items, and only 50 people have said they are coming. :'( Everyone loved YOU, Frank... not me, and I see it so clearly now. You helped SO many people out over the years, but I get the feeling I won't be seeing as much help and support as you showed. Not that that's a BAD thing that you were loved and appreciated, but I just feel SO alone and down lately. Anyways...
I was in Winton for a week, and got drunk once and realized I should NOT drink at all. I got in a spat with an auntie, and you know how I am when I KNOW I'm right about something. I lost control over something really stupid, but it didn't help with anything. I reacted badly, and in that moment, just wanted to join you. I feel like I have nothing sometimes, and alcohol just intensifies those feelings. :( The next night I only drank water, and the night after that I alternated booze & water as to not get wasted again.
I had surgery earlier this week, and everything is good news. No cancer in my lady parts, and none in the boobies either - mammogram was last week. Unfortunately, because of my health history and that of my family's, I now have to have paps AND mammos done yearly for the rest of my life. *sigh*
Physical therapy has been going very well, and I have had very little pain over the past week. I THINK it's the PT, but I suppose it could be the pain meds... maybe a combination of them both? I feel better in general (at least physically). I've lost some weight AND I'm 3/4 of a inch taller than I was a month ago. All that I can credit physical therapy with. I've only had 3 appointments so far, but I've been doing exercises at home as well. I'd like to think that you'd be proud of me, and then I wish I had taken better care of myself all those years together... and vice versa. But, then I think, I would have had even LESS time WITH you, and I always felt like it wasn't enough as it is. :(
Last week, I surrendered Waffles back to PNC. It was hard to do since she was so fun, and had made so much progress with us, but it was just too much for me alone. I know she'll find a good home with someone who can appreciate her energy & talent. The day after, I had decided to surrender Leela as well. I had come home from up north, and one of the cats had peed in a circle around my computer chair THREE times. O_o I think it was a big "fuck you for leaving us" kind of thing. Of course, I don't know which one, but with Leela's hairballs & snottiness getting worse & worse, she just seemed like the logical choice. But, the day after giving up Waffles, I came home from an errand and Lynx was visibly in distress. He obviously had a urinary issue and was frozen over the litter box for at least 15 minutes. I contacted Windmill, explained the situation and they offered to foot the bill if I could get him to their vet. It took LOTS of phone calls and we played lots of phone tag before we got him all taken care of, but it was worth it since we caught it so early. I am lucky Windmill is such a great organization and was so willing to help. There's no way I could have afforded another bill for cat pee pee problems (like Lucky) without them. In another week or so, I will contact them again when their entire board of directors is around we will all get together and decide what is in the best interests of the cats. I still think Leela might end up going, though. I just can't deal with the snot & puke anymore. :( It hurts, but we were a team, and I'm only half the person with half the abilities we had when we were together. I just don't have the means or the energy anymore...
While I was in Ely, I chose a location for our grave markers. I found my ancestor's family plot at the top of the hill with a large lovely tree, and it overlooks a lot of Ely. My great great aunt Frances is there (and her husband Frank), as well as their daughter Frances, my great great grandmother Frances, two more great great aunts (Alice & Tina - you loved their jokes & poems even though you never met them), a great great uncle and a great great aunt who also married a Peterson (but kept her maiden name as well) and died very young... I learned a lot that week. I went to the City Clerk and learned there was room for 4 cremains there, and then I asked permission from my aunts & uncles, and they all said they were fine with it. So we will be joined eternally and memorialized with my ancestors in Ely. I know you loved it there, and since 95% of my family is there, I thought it made sense. Now I just need to save a few grand to buy the perfect marker. I've chosen a bench, which I will have custom engraved, and there is an angel who sits on one end. <3 I know how much you loved angels, and I will always incorporate them into anything remembering you...
Wow, this is LONG. I had a lot to catch up on & fill you in on. It's been a busy couple of weeks I guess. I've finally broken & am trying to get back up and pick up the pieces of my life, but it's not going to be easy. I dreamed of you the other night. We were in a car (again), and were driving somewhere. It looked like a big city, and before I woke up we were coming up on (or were already crossing) a very long bridge or ramp. I was happy to be with you, and was explaining why you couldn't 'go' just yet, and you needed to stick around for at least a few more days and I was listing all the things we needed to do before it was time. You listened patiently, as was your nature, with that slight closed mouth smile of yours, with your eyes on the road. When I was done talking, you looked at me, and said with warmth and affection that we needed none of that, and that we only needed "this" (as in talking... and driving?). Then I woke up very abruptly and was SO sad (again). I JUST wanted to finish the conversation with you, or talk to you a while longer. My only YOU time is in my dreams now, and I just can't get enough of them. PLEASE, continue to visit me in dreams, and if ghosts exist and you can find the energy (the air conditioner has LOTS), please give me a sign when I am awake that you are here as well. I love you & need you!
Well, my eyelids are becoming heavy and my legs have already gone to sleep from the pain meds I took a while ago. I need to go to sleep & HOPEFULLY dream of you once again. Goodnight, my love, until we meet again...
Yours Forever,
</3 ~Lisa S.
