Changes

Dear Frank,
Yesterday marked 3 weeks since the 'official' day of your passing. I had just started listening to the radio the day before - I was avoiding it in fear of hearing something that might trigger a breakdown, a song you loved, a song we loved, etc. - when I had a little breakdown. I was on my way to Starbucks at about 9:25 AM, and stopped at the light at 185th & Cty Rd 50, started station surfing (everything is crap nowadays), and Far Behind by Candlebox came on. I lost it. I remember giving you a mix CD early in our relationship (I still have it somewhere) and this was one of the songs on it. We both have always loved it. :*( Anyways, I listened to 3/4 of the song while sobbing, and then turned it off. I just couldn't take it. No more music for me for a while! I had to pull into a parking space & regain my composure before going through the Starbucks drive-through. 


A little over a week ago, I was forced to apply for assistance. You were our primary wage earner, and supported me & five kids for SO many years. Because of things that happened to our kids while in the care of others, and our deep mistrust of pretty much everyone outside of our immediate family, we were content with me staying home with them instead of working. I became accustomed to that lifestyle, and now I am nearly destitute. I started crying in the meeting with the first welfare worker, with my dad at my side for comfort... this happened while filling out YOUR information, and while filling out a questionnaire regarding my strengths & goals (I'd never thought about that until right then). Last week, I met with an employment counselor, and now I am being forced to actively job search OR work for 25 or more hours per week, plus attend workshops, meetings & classes, find daycare and all required to be done RIGHT NOW. I hadn't even started on Thank You notes until yesterday!

Franki Jade has been a terror for the past 2 weeks. She won't listen and tries to do things she KNOWS we don't approve of. Wearing makeup at 9 years old? We've had at least 5 fights over that little stunt. She's not been doing homework, or cleaning up after herself, has been watching stuff on TV meant for older teens, arguing with everyone about everything, etc. While she's doing this stuff, I'm busy trying to find a job, organize paperwork, fill out forms, do Thank You cards, cook, clean or whatever, and she's taking full advantage. I feel like I'm a single parent again & I don't know how to do it alone... nor do I want to! What a nightmare!


Even the dogs have changed... Waffles has been naughty, reverting to her trying to dominate & beat up the other dogs (especially Lily). Pika was depressed for the first 2 weeks, and acted out by refusing to come into the house after going outside (I had to pick her up and bring her in) and picking fights with Waffles. She just sulked & moped for those whole two weeks. Lily has developed severe separation anxiety, and I swear she's going to give herself a heart attack by how excited she gets when I come home - even if I am gone only for minutes... she shakes, whines, claws my legs until I pick her up, and her eyeballs look like they're going to pop out of her head. Poor thing. All the dogs always liked you best, since you didn't groom them or do other "mean" things to them.

The cats have changed, too. Lynx has been way more lazy than usual, and he snuck out a few times, and then somehow convinced visiting family that he NEEDED to go outside, so they let him out. He's not an outdoor cat and he knows it! When he's not being a total lazy ass, he's getting into trouble... tearing around the house, grabbing people who walk by him, knocking stuff over, eating plants, tearing into bags of food or chips on the counter. He's also convinced every visitor that he is starving to death, and I'm convinced he was fed at least 3 times a day while company was still heavy. He's gotten quite fat! Leela has bonded with my mom, who is allergic to her. She does things to my mom like she always did before with Kevin. She tries to sleep on her face and pesters her non-stop.

I've only seen your kids twice since you died, not including your service. I miss them, and know this is NOT how you would have wanted things. Your ex is now in control, and is their legal guardian, and has made it VERY clear to everyone, and is going all out in asserting that control. If I want the kids to come here, or if they want to come here, I have to contact her before talking to them. I've told the kids it's just not worth the heartache to me to have to battle with her to simply see them. I know you'd be disappointed, but I just don't have any fight left in me, Frank. </3


I've been camped out in my living room for 2.5 weeks on my couch. I tried sleeping on yours, but it was too weird & I couldn't get comfortable. I did sleep in our bed for 2 nights after coming home, but I think my body overrode my mind & heart and I truly NEEDED to sleep, regardless of WHERE. I tried to sleep in our bed 2 nights afterwards, and got this weird feeling on the left side of my body... warm, tingling and numb. It scared me, and I didn't want to be alone, so I gave up trying to sleep in our room. :( Even my first few nights on my couch, I got that same feeling, and was scared to sleep. I'd sit up and do NOTHING for an hour  or so, and finally be tired enough & have that feeling gone, and then I slept. For the most part, my sleep has been uninterrupted by dreams. I know I've had two dreams in 3 weeks, and that is unusual for me. The first one was that Leela starved to death. I don't recall the second one, but I woke up, and remembered seeing your face VERY clearly.

I've asked you to touch me, to hold my hand, to just give me a sign of some sort that you are still with me. Two days ago in the car, when I was alone, I held out my hand & asked you to hold it. I must have held my hand out like that for 10 minutes and kept looking over to the passenger seat. I did get a weird sensation in the center of the palm of my hand, but I can't describe it. Was that you? If so, please do it more often. I know that if I KNEW you were still here with me, even in spirit, I would be so much more at ease. I can have a relationship with a ghost! I love you & don't care if it's weird to say that.


Yesterday, when I was zoned out with "work" that I was doing, some jerk turned around in our driveway. I heard the crunch of the gravel under their tires, instinctively looked at the time, and out of habit thought to myself, "Frank's home!" Then I remembered... 


I haven't done but one or two loads of laundry since I've been home. I see your clothes in the bedroom, and avoid it as well. One day when your son was here, I told him he could look through things & see if there were any clothes he wanted. I tried to help him, but got wet eyes when I saw your flaming skull JNCO jeans, and walked away. Later, we went into the basement and in the dryer was a whole load of mostly your clothes. I pulled out one of your funny T-Shirts, and lost it and had to hide in the bathroom until I was done. I told him to just find what he wanted & that I'd be upstairs. Morgan has been helping with laundry, and happened to find an unwashed T-Shirt of yours... the one that says "I got out of bed for this?" She brought it up to show me & have me smell it. We decided to seal it in a zip lock bag so we could smell it FOREVER. I miss your smell SO much. I've been using our blankets & your pillows & pillowcases, but your scent faded quickly from them. :( I'm sure I'll find more "distinctly YOU" things that I can seal and smell, but for now I can't bear to go through any of it. 


I feel like my life is in upheaval, I don't know what to do, and I just really want you back. I NEED you! You have always been my rock & my best friend! <3 I haven't had time to properly mourn and wonder if I ever will. The sporadic short crying fits just seem weird and random to me. I wonder if people see me as cold or indifferent to all of this? I'm trying to stay strong, and be tough on the outside. Inside I'm a wreck, and cannot stop thinking about you. Anyways, as always, I love you. You were my better half, and took a piece of me and my heart with you when you went away. I'll NEVER be the same, and I'm sure I'll never find complete happiness again. </3


Always & Forever,
~Lisa