What I've learned

I'd always known Frank was born very premature... 3 months early? He was born in the 70s, so it was a miracle that he survived. There wasn't the technology back then that there is now. He'd told me he weighed 2 or 3 pounds when he was born and that his Grandpa Little (whom Frank was named after) could hold him in the palm of his hand. Frank had teeth problems when I met him, and he explained that he was born without enamel because he was a preemie. He'd also told me over the years how he'd struggled with pneumonia as a child & teen quite often, due to his underdeveloped lungs. That was about as much as Frank ever told me. There weren't a lot (if any) photos of him as a newborn, due to the fact that he was in the hospital for the first couple of month & his mom was at a different hospital.

While Frank was in the hospital, we found out that he had more than just lung & enamel problems. His Grandma P. said "I always worried about that boy & his poor little heart." :( We also learned there is a family history of heart problems on BOTH of Frank's sides of the family. I also learned some other things through other people, but I won't write about that now... maybe some other time.

Two years ago, Frank went in for a full physical. He found out he had high cholesterol, but not SCARY high. He was prescribed Simvastatin, and he took them for a couple of months. He also changed his diet & started eating more chicken, turkey & fish. When he went in for a re-check, his cholesterol was normal & good. When he ran out of his meds, he decided that maybe the dietary changes were enough, and never had them refilled. I think he went in ONE more time, and his cholesterol levels were still good. He figured he had fixed everything.

When going through his mail after he died, I found a letter from his health insurance company, and it had never been opened. Inside was an information sheet about "Your Risk for Heart Disease" and explained a bunch of things (like a publication). The letter was dated a year ago. :S So, maybe I wasn't told everything, or Frank thought it was no big deal? I'll never know for sure... 

Over the past 2 years, Frank drank more & more coffee, and over the past year was drinking TWO pots a day at work. After work, he would stop at Starbucks & order his Caramel Latte (espresso, milk, syrup). He also admitted to being tired more often, but we both just chalked it up to age. Over the past couple of months, he put on a little weight in the belly. His shirts fit tighter around the middle, and he would rub his belly & proudly say "Just like my Grandpa!" Grandpa Frank was also thin & trim, except he had a little potbelly. We chalked that up to age as well.

After Frank died, his Mom & talked a lot about him and his infancy. She said that in those first 2 months, they didn't know whether Frank would make it or not, and there were a LOT of ups & downs, highs & lows. It turns out ALL of his vital organs were underdeveloped. At some point he dropped a full pound, so he must have been 1 or 2 pounds. That is just SCARY!!! Eventually he pulled through & was able to go home. The doctors never said he would lead a sickly life, or a shorter life, but maybe they didn't know back then or just didn't want to give his parents a poor prognosis. It's another thing we'll never know. I keep thinking that MAYBE, Frank was destined to live a short life? Maybe this was meant to be? I don't want to think that, but considering all the things from his life health history, maybe it is so...

Regardless, Frank lived life to the fullest. He was obsessed with angels and had many statues, a painting & a tattoo of one on his arm. He said the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan had a profound & special meaning to him, and that it had been known to make him cry. I never saw Frank cry... in 11 years. People have said "Maybe he was an angel in training!" all this time. Maybe?

Frank LOVED his family & would give anyone the shirt off his back. He was the most giving person I knew, even though he wasn't rich (at least not with money). He was charitable, open-minded & just easy going. I only saw him get really mad a few times at kids. He was very protective of his family, and this made him a strict parent. He & I only had 2 spats in the whole 11 years, and they were nothing major. We had forgiven & forgotten within minutes. I valued him SO much, and although I said it often, I wonder if he REALLY knew how important he was to me, and to everyone else who knew him. He was very humble, so it's hard to say.

I've learned that life is too short to stay angry or have hatred in your heart. I knew that before, and Frank and I said it often. It isn't worth it to stay angry. My whole life changed for the better after meeting Frank, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I know that I will never find another man that will measure up to him, and I will ALWAYS compare men to him. I doubt I will ever move on, and I am fine with that. I know it might get lonely, especially after kids have all moved out & started their lives, but that is too far into the future for me to see right now. It just hurts that what we had, which was truly unique & wonderful, was taken away WAY too soon. 

We had plans to marry someday, and he always referred to me as his wife. He never used the word 'fiance'' or 'girlfriend'. I've had an engagement ring since Christmas 8 years ago when he proposed to me in front of family. We were living in the farm house in Rosemount at the time. He handed me a large box, and I took the top off and peered into an empty box. Everyone laughed & asked me "What's in there"? I was too dumb too look at the top until I suspected something was up, and there it was... my ring, tied to a string attached to the lid and a note that said "Will  you marry me?" :)