Friday, May 18, 2012

First entry...

I figured I needed an outlet for my angst & all the other emotions that come after losing a loved one, so I created this blog. Here goes nothing... Two weeks and one day ago, my fiance', my soulmate and my best friend died. Here is what happened... On Monday, April 31st, 2012 (a relatively normal day), Frank called me before he left work. He also called before 5:00, which is early for him. He normally does call me to see if I want him to pick up anything on the way home, or to see what kind of Starbucks drink I wanted. This time was the same, but with an additional conversation: 

Frank: Would you do me a favor? 

Me: Sure. What? 

Frank: Could you call Dr. Salazar & make me an appointment for Wednesday? (Wednesday was to be his day off) 

Me: Okay... what for? 

Frank: Well... I don't know if I want to tell you. I don't want you to freak out. 

Me: I don't think I can call & make you an appointment & NOT tell them what it's for. You'll have to do that. And now I am a little freaked out. What's up? 

Frank: Well, for the past few months, about once a week, something happens to my eyes. For a few seconds they go blurry on the sides... like when you open your eyes under water. 

Me: Okay... 

Frank: I'm worried about MS, because my dad's first symptoms had to do with his peripheral vision. 

Me: Okay. I knew that, though... why would that freak me out? 

Frank: Umm... well, I've been having weird chest pains all day. 

Me: What kind? Like pleurisy? 

Frank: No... I don't know how to describe it. It's like this one time when tore the cartilage between my ribs. It feels like that. 

Me: Okay... 

Frank: Never mind & don't worry. I'll just call when I get home or tomorrow & set up the appointment. 

Me: Okay. Are you on your way home now? 

Frank: First I have to run to the HiHi market & grab the guy's car and bring it to the shop to see what's wrong with it, and then bring it back and let him know. I'm not fixing it or anything, so I shouldn't be too long. 

Me: Okie dokie. I'll see you in a while, then! 

Frank: Love you! 

Me: Love you, too! 

Frank: Bye. 

Me: Buh bye. 

 He showed up about an hour later, set my coffee on my desk, leaned over me and made his funny fish lips kissy face with his eyes closed. I gave him a funny look and said "Uhhh... ". He said "kiss me already!" So I did. Then he said "You look pretty today!" I was like "Um... okay? I haven't done ANYTHING with myself." He said "well, you're always sexy to me." Then he went and sat down on his couch. I thought it a little weird at the time, because he says stuff like that, but usually only if I've done something different and not when he's just walked in the door. On that Monday, I had my hair in a pony (messy & not brushed), no makeup and was wearing my jammies. 

 The day went on as normal, and I had completely forgotten about the earlier phone call. Looking back, I wish I hadn't. He made a phone call to my Uncle Scott to talk about Mandy's car. We watched some TV... House I think. I doodled on the tablet PC (laptop) and was using the tool that turns handwriting into text & was messaging back & forth with Mandy, and relaying messages between her & Frank about the car.

We decided on grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, and Morgan made one for each of us. Our roommate Jody was still hungry, and decided to make more and offered to make us more if we wanted. I said "Yes, please! I'll take another one!" She asked Frank how many more he wanted, and he said "Two?" When she brought the sandwiches to us, they were REALLY heavy and cheese was oozing out of them. I must have made a funny face, because she laughed & said she put two or three pieces of cheese in each sandwich. I thought it was a little overkill, but ate it anyways. Frank ate his with no complaints, either.

While we were eating (in our living room as always), I don't remember how it came up, but we asked Frank to do his impressions for Jody. He did Beavis & Butthead, Pee-wee Herman, and some others that I can't recall. We all laughed, including Frank. Morgan went back to bed (Franki was already in bed), and we continued watching TV. I don't remember everything we watched, but I remember having to pause it often for Frank to tell stories. He was especially cheerful that night. 

Finally, shortly before 1:00 AM, Frank decided to turn in (on his couch). He took his T-Shirt off and rolled over, with his back to me. I remember asking him "You're sleeping on the couch? I thought you were going to bed tonight?" To which he replied "You kept me up late enough as it is. I have to work tomorrow." I sighed in disappointment & we said our "goodnights". A few short minutes later, he started tossing & turning... very energetically. It weirded me out & I said "What's wrong?!?" - usually he falls asleep instantly and is snoring within seconds. He said "I can't get comfortable. It hurts..." I said "your chest again?" He either said yes or nodded... I don't recall exactly. Then he said "I think I'm going to be sick" and went upstairs to use the bathroom. I opened the laptop again & went to WebMD to use the symptom checker. 

He came back down looking very pale. I started asking questions, to which most he said "no". One said to get medical attention as soon as possible, and I told him that. A few more questions, and another pop-up after his answer that said "call 911 IMMEDIATELY!" Onto more questions, and then he suddenly just said "Call an ambulance". I said "Do you want me to drive you? It'd be faster!" He said "no. Just call an ambulance!" I called 911, answered what seemed to be a million questions & was finally told assistance was on the way. (I had to repeat my address 3 times to her). She said to have him sit down in a comfortable position & stay put, so I did. He put on his T-Shirt, and the first cop was there very quickly. The cop asked Frank a bunch of questions. I remember Frank said it felt like "pressure... like someone was sitting on or squeezing his chest". All of the sudden Frank looked "sick" again and I felt his face, hands & arms and he was very clammy (cold, but sweaty). The cop told me to get a bucket or something in case Frank had to throw up. I ran to the kitchen to get something (a black plastic mixing bowl), ran back and set it on the couch in front of Frank. All of the sudden, it looked like he was trying to sweep it away, while looking like he was going to puke and his arms came up in fists and he just FROZE, and started to topple off the couch. The cop said "I think he's having a seizure!" I was talking to Frank, and he was just frozen, laying on the floor & staring at the ceiling and making this awful grunting-exhaling noise. His face started to turn red, then purple, and his eyes were bulging. I yelled "He's not seizing! He's choking or something!"

I remember rubbing Frank's hand & arm and talking to him... telling him to breath... crying, wondering "where the fuck is the damn ambulance?!?" and the cop just standing there. He had another cop there by then & asked him to bring in oxygen. They handed it to me, and told me to put that on Frank's face. Looking back on it now, I wonder why when he clearly was not breathing. :( Frank must have been on the floor frozen for at least 5 minutes (it seemed like 20, though) before the first paramedics came in. A female paramedic started CPR with hand compressions. She did that for a LONG time before EMTs showed up to help. She had to have another person take over the CPR because her arms were so sore & tired. More people showed up & they shocked him with the defibrillator. Then they brought in a machine that did CPR mechanically. The shocked him MANY times, kept the CPR going in intervals, had to intubate, but had a hard time because his jaw was clamped shut. 

It seems like they worked on him for a good half hour or more before they finally got him stable enough to go in the ambulance. Someone told me he had a massive heart attack. I called his mom, his sister and then my mom. I had to take a Xanax just so I could drive to the hospital. I don't remember the exact order of the techniques they used, and don't know the difference between the guys in white, and the guys in black (EMTs vs Paramedics?). I just know they shocked him & did CPR a LOT. 

I followed the ambulance to the hospital & Burnsville, and called my mom crying again. The ambulance was driving SLOW and didn't even have their lights or sirens on. I thought he was dead. I had flashbacks of the story my aunt Penny told me of how it went down when her husband Dave died, and was freaking out. 

Frank's mom, Sandy and his sister, Robyn met me at the hospital. We were ushered into a closed door "family" waiting room behind the nurses station. I freaked out again wondering WHY they put us in THAT room (with comfy chairs & boxes of Kleenex). The head nurse came in to talk to us, and said once they knew his condition (they were working on him) we could go back & see him. I began to have hope.

Shortly after, we were taken back to the E.R. room Frank was in. There were a TON of doctors & nurses doing things to him and all kinds of monitors. He was totally naked, and his clothes had been cut off him. The nurse tried to explain to us what they were doing every few minutes... stents? We were told he had to be transferred to Edina for the "Cath Lab" - I still don't know what that is. They got him stable (or so they said) and we went outside to call his ex and his kids & whatever other family. When we came back in, we were told he crashed again and they had to shock him again. Finally they got him stable enough to move (so they said) and we watched them wheel out his bed and to the ambulance area. On the way through the doors, they HIT the closed door. *cringe*

We had a 3 car caravan following the ambulance to Edina. This ambulance was slow & didn't have lights or sirens on, either. :S At one point, the ambulance stopped at the corner of Nicollet & 42 at the light. The light was red, and we were supposed to turn right, and there was NO traffic to be seen anywhere, and they just sat there for what seemed like another eternity. I called my mom again to keep her updated. She was on her way down from Northern Minnesota with my stepdad.

We finally made it to Edina, and were all put in a waiting room. All his kids were there, his ex & her boyfriend, my roommate, me... We waited HOURS to hear news of what was going on with Frank while he was in the Cath Lab. Finally a doctor came out to tell us they were moving him to ICU, and we'd be able to see him soon. He said Frank was in VERY critical condition, and probably was going to die.

As soon as we were able to, we went & saw him. There were so many monitors, bags & machines hooked up to him that I didn't even try to count or see what they were. He was all swollen, and unconscious. I was told they had put him in a hypothermic coma to prevent any further damage to his organs. They had put in a balloon pump to make his heart work, and he was on blood pressure meds to keep his BP stable. I stayed by his side as much as I could for the entire time Frank was in the hospital. I talked to him, touched him, kissed him, watched him, etc.

He had to be in the coma for 24 hours before they'd start warming him up (while stabilizing him) to see what kind of damage was done & what the next step was to be. They did an initial brain scan (although they said they wouldn't do one until he was normal temperature again), and there WAS brain activity. I took this as a good sign. They put him on paralytics because we had seen his arm move, and my mom saw him blink. He was also on sedatives & painkillers. We were told by Frank's nurses that he was THE most critical patient in the hospital, and they had NEVER put anyone on such a high dose of the blood pressure meds before. Another nurse had told us that if it weren't for his age, they wouldn't have been working on him so hard. Frank's oldest daughter Ashley, his mom, his sister & I ALL told EVERYONE to do WHATEVER it takes, regardless of cost. Frank has 5 kids and his fiance' and a month old grandson and NONE of us can afford to lose him.

Later that day there were talks about airlifting him to the U of M for a mechanical heart, but it turned out he wasn't stable enough to move. Then they discussed opening up his abdomen & covering it with mesh so that his organs would have room to move, and they could get rid of some of the fluid retention... but again, he was too unstable to move (even to the operating room downstairs).

They started to warm him up at about 5:30 AM Wednesday morning. About mid-day, one of his team doctors told us that his liver function had improved, his blood pressure was stable, his blood oxygen was improving. I started to be REALLY hopeful. We were so hopeful, that some people went home to get some sleep. I stayed in his room with him until the wee hours of morning. My left ankle had swollen so bad that I had to go sit down more & more often (turned out I had cellulitis). I had noticed his nurse Deb was doing a lot more checking, adjusting & documenting the machines & calling doctors with techno mumbo jumbo that I didn't understand. I just figured it was all part of the warming process & to be expected. We had been told that the warming process was going to be the scariest part.

Nurse Deb told me to go get some rest, that there were no significant changes, and that if anything changed, she would come get me. I went to lie down & try to get my foot up at 3:00 AM. At 3:30 AM we were woken up to talk to a doctor. Ashley & I followed the doctor & nurse past Frank's room, and down a LONG hall deeper into the ICU wing and into a consultation room. We were told that his blood pressure was dropping & his oxygen levels had dropped again, and that they couldn't do anything more for him, and that he wasn't going to make it. We went back to Frank's room crying & talking to him. Ashley went to call her mom to tell her to come back with the kids, because their dad wasn't going to make it. I called Frank's sister to tell her, and asked her to tell his mom because I couldn't bear to make that phone call.

Right after I hung up, and Ashley was on her way back down the hall, the doctor came out & said he needed to know what we wanted to do because things were happening very fast. I said "I don't know what you mean? Save him!" And Ashley said "Do whatever it takes!" The doctor got mad (or frustrated) and said "If I do anything to bring him back again, it would be TORTURE! I refuse to torture him!" I said "I can't make this decision... " and walked back into the room to be with Frank. When Sandy & Robyn arrived, Sandy wanted them to do whatever it takes as well, so the doctor had to explain everything again. We were told he was on life support, and I hadn't even known that the whole time... I just thought everything was to make him better... help him heal. They said they didn't KNOW if he could feel or not... I couldn't stand the thought of him being in pain, or going through the shocking, cooling & warming process all over again. 

Finally, as a family we all agreed. The damage was just too tremendous. We had been told by one doctor that all they were doing was buying more time. I had hopes for a heart transplant... hoped to at least get to see him awake & let him know I loved him, and that if he was too weak, it was okay to go... I just wanted a goodbye.

Shortly before 5:00 AM on Thursday the 3rd of May, 2012, Frank's heart stopped beating. He never woke up. We said our goodbyes, but they weren't returned.... same with the I love yous. He was surrounded by his family & extended family. I talked to him right up to the end... and even after.

We were asked to leave the room so they could clean him up and get him looking better so we could say our last goodbyes. I think I was the first to go in afterwards, and I don't know how long I sat there with him... crying, talking to him, holding & caressing his hand, hugging him, kissing his cold lips, running my fingers through his hair... I left the hospital to take a walk & be alone. I told everyone I didn't want to talk and didn't want to be touched. I sat in my car & smoked a cigarette, numb & frozen in some state of shock.  

People came & left... said goodbye to Frank, and that was that. I went in 3 more times before I actually left the building and headed back to my mom's motel room. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I couldn't bear to go home. We had lived together for 10.5 years, had a 9 year old daughter together, 3 dogs, 2 cats, my 17 year old daughter that considered Frank "Dad". Home just wouldn't be the same...

Frank was 40 years old, not a drug user or drinker. He wasn't overweight. He had a history of high cholesterol that he'd thought was under control (the levels were never SCARY high). He loved his coffee, food & cigarettes and he loved his family and loved his job. He had a Massive STEMI Heart Attack. He left behind five kids... ages 19, 17, 17, 15 and 9... me, his parents, his sister, nephews, nieces & cousins... TONS of friends, acquaintances & loyal customers. 

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