Profound Lyrical Content

How did I love you? There was no measuring...
Far above this dirty world, far above everything.

But for seven years (more like eleven), you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns around your feet
For seven years (again, eleven), I bowed down to touch the ground,
so wholly your devotee

You were all that I could see

~Natalie Merchant, 7 years

Empty spaces fill me up with holes

Distant faces with no place left to go

Without you within me I can't find no rest

Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I tried to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on

But I am swimming in an ocean all alone

Baby, my baby

I'd try to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go

I don’t wanna make you face this world alone

I wanna let you go (alone)

I'd try to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

~Backstreet Boys, Incomplete

*Exhale*

I find myself more & more lonely, even though I've been spending more & more time with family & friends. I don't get it. I understand this is normal, but I HATE it with a passion!!!

I've decided (kind of anyways) that I NEED someone... I need a companion. I do not want a boyfriend or a lover or anything of that sort, but I crave companionship & adult conversation. Nobody will ever replace Frank... EVER, and I would never even want that. Frank IS/WAS my soulmate, and I know I will never feel differently. But, I meet people... I know people... not many friends outside of my old friends who live far away, but it's not the same. I've met men, and said "Oh they're cute!" but have NO desire to pursue ANYTHING with any of them. Judging by how I am treated by other "friends" and acquaintances, it's like I have the plague and people just avoid me. While I realize it might be awkward for these "friends" to be around or talk to or call or visit me, I am still a human being!!! I am hurt by the actions (or lack thereof) by our so-called "friends" and "family". So, obviously I need to make new "friends"... friends with something in common with me.

I'll admit, I HAVE met some guys while out & about. However, they were fucking downright CREEPY. When they outright asked me WHY I wasn't interested in them or WHY I didn't think they were "cute" I blurted out "I'm a fucking widow." Well, I've found that THAT little statement pretty much scares them away! I guess it is good for SOMETHING... ? :S On the other hand, when telling people "a little about myself" and bringing up Frank, I get the same reaction... from people I'd genuinely be interested in getting to know better! WTH?

I hope that when I finally join the young widows & widowers support group, that everything will change and I will actually meet people that have something in common with me. Only a few more weeks...

School starts soon, and I think the loneliness will REALLY set in. I've got companion personal ads out there, but still seem to attract sex fiends & creepers. At least I find out right away & can block them and move on. So far, everyone seems WEIRD or fake. I find it hard to believe that it's SO hard to meet decent people online... after all, it's EXACTLY how Frank and I came to be (in a round about way)!!! *sigh*

The worst part is the physical wants & needs. I know they, too, are "normal". But when I feel them, I feel guilty... like a cheater! And that's just THINKING! I worry that if I DID meet someone or acted upon some primal desire, I would end up in tears... or just walk away & never look back. I know that would freak a person out as well. Is it weird to want to look for a friend, with the possibility of benefits, but no desire for a LTR or "love" and actually spell that out to people? I find that honesty is the best policy, but I still feel like a freak for saying, thinking & feeling the things I do. :( Maybe I should consider myself lucky that I can rid my body of these "urges" in 30 seconds or less... although, I still end up crying like a bitch afterwards for whatever reason... or maybe multiple reasons? Who knows... maybe I am really losing my marbles.

Everything I read says everything I am feeling & going through is normal. I don't want to be "normal". I just want to be loved... in the way that ONLY Frank ever loved me. </3

These feelings...

I wish I could control them, but I simply cannot. The benefit brought in enough funds to keep us here for a couple or a few more months, depending on how things go. The money is put away safely JUST for house payments.

My next biggest worry is trying to raise & save enough money for a proper memorial/marker. Of course, I want only the best for you and the most affordable one that seems like a realistic goal is $3,500. The one I REALLY wanted was $30,000. O_o

I'm trying to get cars in shape for whenever something is decided about what to do with them. Of course, I'd like to keep them all... I feel like they're the few pieces of YOU that I have left to hang onto. I leave your socks under the couch & our bedroom is the disaster that it always was... I just don't sleep there anymore, and can't bring myself to go through & sort things. :'(

I can't stop thinking of dates... past dates, present dates & future dates. All of the could've, should've, would'ves just break my heart. On April 22, just a week and a day before this nightmare began, we went to Fleet Farm & you bought a new battery for the lawnmower... but you never even got to mow it. We renewed our fishing licenses, but you never got to throw the line again. Your birthday is swiftly approaching, along with our youngest child's, and I just can't BEAR to think how that might turn out. She has already said that she wants a half & half cake... half for her, half for you. </3 She'll be 10 already... you'd be 41.

I got my first tattoo since the dragon symbol you bought for me 5, 8 years ago? It's an infinity symbol with your name & "love" written into it. It's not the last one that I will get in your memory... it's just a matter of money & time.

I keep hearing these songs on the radio, that make me think of you... they aren't or weren't even songs we liked or had, but they trigger the tears... Colby Callait's 'I Never Told You' lyrics "I miss those blue eyes. how you kiss me at night, I miss the way we sleep, like there's no sunrise,  like the taste of your smile, I miss the way we breathe... *insert some other words here*... and now I miss everything about you..." and that one by Pink, 'Who Knew?' "I'll keep you locked in my head, until we meet again... if someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out, 'cause they're all wrong, and that last kiss, I'll cherish, until we meet again, and time makes it harder, I wish I could remember, but I keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep, my darling, who knew, my darling, I miss you, who knew... " </3

Some of our children have been selfish & rotten lately. If I try to state things or just inform them of some important fact that could be life altering, I am cut off and the subject is rudely changed, and I am ignored. If I try to be in control, make plans to do something, I am told they are disincluding themselves, even though they are NOT adults. I don't think wanting a week (or even a month) away from Lakeville is too much to ask, especially with school creeping up on us, just around the corner. I need my family. They are the ONLY ones who give two shits. I didn't inherit your friends, or they are not the kind of friends I had hoped for. They loved you... I was part of the package deal. Now you're gone, and oh well to everyone we know. No calls to see how I am doing, no visits to just say hi, no messages of encouragement on facebook or email... It hurts. I feel like everyone has someone to go to, to lean on, and I have NOBODY. I had you. There was never a backup plan, and why would I plan for something like this? I have never felt more unloved, lonesome  & disconnected from the world than I have this past week. :(

Although I'm not suicidal (I could NEVER do that to my family or children), I do sometimes wonder if I'd be better off dead. I wish I had gone instead of you. I wonder what the point of everything is, and see NO meaning in life aside from making sure our youngest child turns out okay. You were the better half of us. I'm empty, hollow, half the person I was a few months ago. I don't know who I am, and I honestly feel like I am NOTHING without you. I never was a great mom, but I tried. I feel like the only thing I was ever good at was doing things with or being with you. I've honestly forgotten most of my life before I met you, aside from a bunch of meaningless relationships (if you could even call them that) and partying a lot. Our relationship was awesome, and we never fought. Most people couldn't be so lucky. I cherish & treasure that, and honestly feel that everyone should be jealous of what we had (have?). That doesn't mean that I don't have any regrets... no chance to say goodbye, no time to do all the things we planned to do & never got to do (yet), and now I just don't want to do anything. I've considered drinking away my sorrows like a lot of people do, but that doesn't work for me... I feel even more lonely. *sigh*

Anyways, I needed to purge. I guess this will always be the way I try to connect or put my feelings into words, as long as I can type. Trying to say them out loud leaves me a blubbering fool. I cry in front of my therapist, but not really in front of anyone else. I'm a phony & a fake... and I hate myself and my life.

If you are reading this, or reading my mind as I am typing, and truly are beside us, it'd be super awesome if you could knock some common sense & selflessness into our oldest girls. I KNOW you would be disappointed & disgusted with their behavior as of late, and I've said that out loud to their faces. Unfortunately, it hasn't changed a damn thing. It's like since I've been alone, they'll just do whatever they want. I am just a powerless nobody.

I love you. Always have. Always will. Forever & ever until the end of time, times infinity and beyond. Words will NEVER be able to completely express my love for you.

XOXO,
~Lisa 

Dear Frank,

WHERE ARE YOU? People have told me you are here with me, but you are distancing yourself so that I can move forward & not hang onto you... and us. :( I don't WANT that right now, and I am not ready for that. I have not yet properly mourned! I haven't seen you in my dreams nor have we spoken in them for many weeks now... so sad. I'm SO lonely without you. I thought after you were gone, maybe I would inherit your friends and family. I was wrong. Nobody calls (except your parents & sister). Nobody emails, or asks how I am doing on facebook. I feel unloved & forgotten... unimportant...

Anyways, after Babe's & your friends dropped the ball with the benefit planning, Fiona, my mom, Robyn, me & the kids picked it up... with less than two weeks before the big event. We pulled it off & I'd say it was a success. I met people who knew you & everyone loved you SO much. It was overwhelming for me, too. I wanted to be a wallflower & just watch how it went, but that didn't happen. As always, I felt like it was my own family who was there for me. I wish every family was like ours... maybe that's why we did more with my family? I think we both got something from them that we never could get anywhere else. For example, I sent a flyer to your grandma and asked that she forward the information onto your aunts & uncles, and your dad knew about it, too. NOBODY showed up except your dad. Your favorite grandpa's family was in St. Paul for a family reunion that same day/weekend, and none of them came by either. I can't understand it at all. Do they not care about your surviving children? They are family, too! I'll just never understand...

PLEASE come to see my & talk to me in my dreams again SOON. Or if you are here, show yourself somehow! I still love you like I did yesterday... and for so many years before. :(

Forever Yours,
~Lisa

Time...

My Dearest Frank,


     Time keeps slipping by, moving slowly at times, and too quickly at others. I've noticed the gaps between my posts & my letters to you get further & further apart. :(
     Today I had a good cry. I met my new therapist (a grief therapist to be exact) today. She was telling me about herself when she said "When I was 35 years old, I lost my husband." I lost it, and it was downhill (or uphill?) from there. She had 6 kids that were "yours, mine & ours". I almost feel like it was fate. I was SO reluctant over the past 2 months to seek therapy because I simply didn't want to talk to 'some stranger' about my problems, someone who couldn't possibly relate and someone I would never see again after I was "healed". Lo and behold, the first one I meet has a LOT in common with me, and can definitely relate. When I was filling out my intake forms, there was a "family history" section, and I had to check one of the following "single, married, divorced, widowed, significant partner or other". I left it blank while I filled out the rest of the form. I am having a hard time labeling myself as a "widow"... but I checked it anyways and then checked the 'other' box and wrote in "soulmate". That struck my therapist somehow, and she commented on it. </3 She said I am dealing with a LOT more than grief. She said I've also been majorly traumatized since I was with you when you truly left us (before EMTs brought you back) and that it is rare to experience a loss like that AND witness it, plus it really happened twice... I don't know if that means I have PTSD or what, but it sounds like it. She became a grief counselor & founded a few grief groups for young widows, children & teens. She, like me, didn't want to join a therapy group that consisted of 80 year old widows, because it just isn't the same. She said WE belong to an exclusive club. I felt like she totally "got" me. Next time we meet, she'll be giving me info & literature on some of these groups that are actually in the area. 
     This past weekend, the kids came to see me for the first time since you've been gone. It was SO nice to have them here! I didn't know how much I'd missed them until they were actually here. I was happy to have them around, but at one point I was struck with sadness when I looked at your son. He was playing video games and totally in 'the zone' and he looked SO much like you... and I NEVER think he looks like you! </3 On Sunday we went to visit your mom. We stayed for a few hours & the kids ate homemade Calico Beans with her. It was nice to get together with her, but my heart just aches for her as well. While I was getting ready to leave, my phone rang. It was your oldest baby girl, and she was crying. Her douchebag boyfriend broke up with her and kicked her out. I went and picked her up, and have been trying to help her get her own affairs in order so that she can become independent & have her son with her as much as possible. I think that independence would empower her as well. She's been here nearly a week, and we've gotten a LOT accomplished. On our way home from your mom's and picking her up, her phone rang and she got good news about a job she'd applied for, so she starts that next week. :) The timing couldn't have been better, and she really needed that little 'pick-me-up'. While I enjoy having her here with me, and treasure our relationship, I cannot support her with the new lifestyle & very limited means. As it is, I don't know how I'm going to pay August's house payment, and I am very discouraged by how the benefit planning is going so far. We have SO little help, no big ticket items, and only 50 people have said they are coming. :'( Everyone loved YOU, Frank... not me, and I see it so clearly now. You helped SO many people out over the years, but I get the feeling I won't be seeing as much help and support as you showed. Not that that's a BAD thing that you were loved and appreciated, but I just feel SO alone and down lately. Anyways... 
     I was in Winton for a week, and got drunk once and realized I should NOT drink at all. I got in a spat with an auntie, and you know how I am when I KNOW I'm right about something. I lost control over something really stupid, but it didn't help with anything. I reacted badly, and in that moment, just wanted to join you. I feel like I have nothing sometimes, and alcohol just intensifies those feelings. :( The next night I only drank water, and the night after that I alternated booze & water as to not get wasted again.
     I had surgery earlier this week, and everything is good news. No cancer in my lady parts, and none in the boobies either - mammogram was last week. Unfortunately, because of my health history and that of my family's, I now have to have paps AND mammos done yearly for the rest of my life. *sigh*
     Physical therapy has been going very well, and I have had very little pain over the past week. I THINK it's the PT, but I suppose it could be the pain meds... maybe a combination of them both? I feel better in general (at least physically). I've lost some weight AND I'm 3/4 of a inch taller than I was a month ago. All that I can credit physical therapy with. I've only had 3 appointments so far, but I've been doing exercises at home as well. I'd like to think that you'd be proud of me, and then I wish I had taken better care of myself all those years together... and vice versa. But, then I think, I would have had even LESS time WITH you, and I always felt like it wasn't enough as it is. :( 
     Last week, I surrendered Waffles back to PNC. It was hard to do since she was so fun, and had made so much progress with us, but it was just too much for me alone. I know she'll find a good home with someone who can appreciate her energy & talent. The day after, I had decided to surrender Leela as well. I had come home from up north, and one of the cats had peed in a circle around my computer chair THREE times. O_o I think it was a big "fuck you for leaving us" kind of thing. Of course, I don't know which one, but with Leela's hairballs & snottiness getting worse & worse, she just seemed like the logical choice. But, the day after giving up Waffles, I came home from an errand and Lynx was visibly in distress. He obviously had a urinary issue and was frozen over the litter box for at least 15 minutes. I contacted Windmill, explained the situation and they offered to foot the bill if I could get him to their vet. It took LOTS of phone calls and we played lots of phone tag before we got him all taken care of, but it was worth it since we caught it so early. I am lucky Windmill is such a great organization and was so willing to help. There's no way I could have afforded another bill for cat pee pee problems (like Lucky) without them. In another week or so, I will contact them again when their entire board of directors is around we will all get together and decide what is in the best interests of the cats. I still think Leela might end up going, though. I just can't deal with the snot & puke anymore. :( It hurts, but we were a team, and I'm only half the person with half the abilities we had when we were together. I just don't have the means or the energy anymore...
     While I was in Ely, I chose a location for our grave markers. I found my ancestor's family plot at the top of the hill with a large lovely tree, and it overlooks a lot of Ely. My great great aunt Frances is there (and her husband Frank), as well as their daughter Frances, my great great grandmother Frances, two more great great aunts (Alice & Tina - you loved their jokes & poems even though you never met them), a great great uncle and a great great aunt who also married a Peterson (but kept her maiden name as well) and died very young... I learned a lot that week. I went to the City Clerk and learned there was room for 4 cremains there, and then I asked permission from my aunts & uncles, and they all said they were fine with it. So we will be joined eternally and memorialized with my ancestors in Ely. I know you loved it there, and since 95% of my family is there, I thought it made sense. Now I just need to save a few grand to buy the perfect marker. I've chosen a bench, which I will have custom engraved, and there is an angel who sits on one end. <3 I know how much you loved angels, and I will always incorporate them into anything remembering you...
     Wow, this is LONG. I had a lot to catch up on & fill you in on. It's been a busy couple of weeks I guess. I've finally broken & am trying to get back up and pick up the pieces of my life, but it's not going to be easy. I dreamed of you the other night. We were in a car (again), and were driving somewhere. It looked like a big city, and before I woke up we were coming up on (or were already crossing) a very long bridge or ramp. I was happy to be with you, and was explaining why you couldn't 'go' just yet, and you needed to stick around for at least a few more days and I was listing all the things we needed to do before it was time. You listened patiently, as was your nature, with that slight closed mouth smile of yours, with your eyes on the road. When I was done talking, you looked at me, and said with warmth and affection that we needed none of that, and that we only needed "this" (as in talking... and driving?). Then I woke up very abruptly and was SO sad (again). I JUST wanted to finish the conversation with you, or talk to you a while longer. My only YOU time is in my dreams now, and I just can't get enough of them. PLEASE, continue to visit me in dreams, and if ghosts exist and you can find the energy (the air conditioner has LOTS), please give me a sign when I am awake that you are here as well. I love you & need you!
     Well, my eyelids are becoming heavy and my legs have already gone to sleep from the pain meds I took a while ago. I need to go to sleep & HOPEFULLY dream of you once again. Goodnight, my love, until we meet again... 

Yours Forever, 
</3 ~Lisa S.
     

I miss you.

Dear Frank,
The fourth of July is drawing near, and I've found myself making plans to go up north. Gramma's memorial service is that weekend as well, so I'm kind of obligated to go. I don't really WANT to go, to be honest. :( I can't remember the last time I was without you on the fourth... before we met, 12 years ago? If it was just the 4th, I wouldn't go. It's that time of month, and you know how hard it is to travel or do anything, so I'm miserable anyways. I haven't slept in two nights in a row (or have gotten less than 3 hours each night), so I'm emotional and cranky. Now I am have to attend yet another sad event. Whose shoulder will I cry on? While I am visiting the cemetery, am I going to be "up to" looking for a plot for us? I'm starting to think my life is just a series of sad & tragic events, and am beginning to wonder what the point of it all is...

Today I cried. TWICE, and hard. I don't know WHY I thought it would be nice to watch the short video from your memorial service, but it really got me worked up. After that, I decided to watch the longer video. *kicking self* So, yeah... I cried some more. Nobody was home, so I just let it all out.

I started thinking of LITTLE things I miss about you.

I miss the way you closed your eyes when you talked on the phone with anyone for any length of time.

I miss the way you'd rub your chin when you'd be talking to someone, and eventually start rubbing from right under your nose to the bottom of your chin, and how I'd make fun of how nobody could understand you when you were doing that, because it sounded like you had a "mouthful of shit".

I miss the way your eyes would glaze over when you were watching TV and VERY into something. You would be oblivious to the world.

I miss the way you'd snap awake when I'd try to take the remote away from you, and would say "I'm watching that!" Or how you'd chuckle or mumble something while watching a show you'd fallen asleep on (for a long time), and act like you knew what was going on... even though you had missed many many minutes.

I miss the jerky little eye movements you'd have when  you were watching TV and your eyes were getting tired. I don't know if it was subconscious or intentional, but it seemed like you were trying to refocus.

I miss you talking in your sleep and how everyone was an "idiot" or "dumbshit" at work, and how MEAN you were to your co-workers and would have to explain to them how something worked. You never said any names, so I'll always wonder who you were so mad at. You always said you never dreamed, but I think you did... you just didn't ever remember them.

I miss you reaching over & groping me, or cornering me in the kitchen for a kiss, when kids were all wide awake and running around... the most INOPPORTUNE times! I think you did it on purpose, so they could see how much we loved each other.

I miss the little sweet things you'd say on a daily basis.

I miss your phone calls everyday after work.

I miss your soft kisses...

I just miss YOU. I feel like I could have been SUCH a better "wife" to you. You were always the better half of me, and everyone knows the world was robbed of the WRONG person. I know it, too. I feel SO much guilt about that... and about many other things, especially the day that you left us...

Anyways, I love you & am constantly thinking of you and missing everything about you. This next week will be hard, but I will try to pull through. If I fail, oh well. I'm only human, and I have a broken heart that hasn't had enough time to heal yet.

Eternally Yours,
~Lisa </3

Weird!

Dear Frank,

     All these weeks have passed since you left us, and I've pretty much had dreamless nights of sleep ever since. I think it was that my mind was shut off & numb to the tragedy of my new reality. In the past week I've dreamed of you TWICE. One was weird, but I woke up crying. The latter was weird, but hilarious and I woke up LITERALLY laughing my ass off, tears & all. Yesterday, I wasn't feeling so good and was laying on the couch trying to nap. I must have started dozing or daydreaming (not sure which), but I had this vision and sensation of being cuddled up behind you, and touching your back... I always marveled at how soft your skin was, when your hands were the complete opposite (due to years of being a mechanic). All of the sudden, the thought came to my mind that it wasn't real, that I would never touch you again, and my heart just stopped and HURT like hell for a few moments. I opened my eyes to find the back of the couch staring back at me instead of your back. :'( 
     Sometimes, I feel like you could walk in the door any moment... like I'm subconsciously hoping this is still just a really long BAD dream. Sometimes, I see your face in a photo, and imagine kissing you goodnight. I touch my lips, and then I realize (again) and the sadness sets in. 
     I find myself wanting to buy you gifts and make things for you. Last night I was looking at matching wedding bands on eBay. Nothing fancy, just something that would last forever... something I could have engraved. I have no clue what I'd do with all these things, but I feel connected to you forever... times infinity... for all eternity. I'd like a wedding band to wear with my engagement ring (which I will NEVER take off), to signify that my heart belongs to you, and always will.
     I wish I knew if you were here or not. I'm still waiting for my "sign". Sometimes I think I feel you, but then it is gone as soon as I feel it. Just once, I'd love to talk to you or feel you cuddled up to me at night... or to feel you kiss me at night. You know I've always been a skeptic about otherworldly matters, but right now I want to believe more than anything! If I were rich, I'd hire a medium or call in the ghost hunters, but alas, I am not. :( Please, help me believe and if you are here, show me somehow! I love you!!!

Forever Yours,
~Lisa