Skepticism

It's been a strange past week. We had a psychic/medium reading who said a lot of things that didn't make sense, some things that kind of made sense and a few things that were dead on. There was nothing specific enough to convince me, though. Two "gifted" people have told me now that you are right here with me all the time, and that you sit on the bed with me. Apparently I should be feeling this, as if a cat or dog were to jump on the bed. Since we have pets, I know what that feels like, and the only time I've felt it is when it has indeed been a pet. And if it is true that you are at my side in bed, then what about some of the things I've done that I am not so proud of? It'd be nice to have your opinion to weigh in on things. Sometimes, I am ashamed. Other times, I just live in the moment & don't care. But I ALWAYS feel guilty afterwards. :( I just wish I knew... However, for the past 2 or 3 days, I have been smelling you. Not your Joop! cologne, either. It started in the bathroom with just a faint whiff. It lasted a couple of days, every time I used the bathroom. Today, I smelled you halfway up the stairs and all the way into the bathroom. Oh, how I love that scent. Pencil shavings. LOL The strangest body odor ever smelled, but not unpleasant at all. I was sitting on the throne pondering this aroma and realized the bathroom garbage can was touching the space heater & it was burning/melting. I moved it away immediately. I was starting to think that was the source of this distinct odor... but melting/burning plastic wouldn't smell anything like wood... would it? We shall see if that smell dissipates in the next day or so. Ironically, I was pondering these thoughts tonight in bed, when Morgan all of the sudden said "Mom! I just got a strong whiff of Frank's B.O.!!!" She was in the living room on the couch, trying to sleep. Irony? A fluke? Or is it you? Anyways... I think of you daily. I find men that tickle my fancy, but then I start comparing them to you. None of them stack up. I know deep down that nobody will ever measure up to you, but I would be content with just a few similar traits. Sadly, most men I've met are rough & tumble manly men. I need someone who is sensitive and compassionate, as well as passionate. I haven't really been "looking", but I have browsed personal sites and talked to a few guys & girls, but so far nothing really exciting. So, I'll give up, and on the loneliest of days, it can be quite depressing. On those days, I end up pissy & not wanting to talk to or see anyone. I like to curl up in bed, surrounded by plush blankets & nice pillows, and reminisce about our days of snuggling (and other things). I fall asleep with those thoughts in my head, hoping to induce happy dreams of you and I, but it never happens. No dreams at all. I can't remember the last time I dreamt. That makes me sad. Other people dream of you. Even your coworkers dream of you. This bothers me SO much, because I feel SO left out. And if all I have are memories & photos, then maybe it hurts because it feels like everything is dead. I can't even express this in accurate words. Anyways, I just wanted to check in & blabber a bit. I love you. I hope that someday you will make your presence known & give me a true sign that I can believe in. I have a hard time remembering things & an even harder time making decisions without you. A little guidance or reassurance would be sweet.

It's been a while...

I know my posts are fewer & further between lately. Most days, I manage to keep myself busy or distracted enough to NOT think of how lost I am without you, or how much I miss you. Then, once in a while, some memory will come to me... usually good ones, and I smile, even if only to myself. Even rarer are nights like this, where I remember something profoundly intimate & beautiful... something that I can't even describe n words to another human being, and I break down. The tears flow like they'll never stop. I get up, try to shake it off, go look for something to snack on or drink, and by the time I am out the door, I've forgotten what it was I was doing. The tears flow again. The harshness of the reality that I will NEVER experience those things again, slaps me in the face. At this exact moment, I want nothing more than to have you back. A time machine would be a dream come true...

I had a short stint on anti-depressants over the holidays. At it's peak time, about 4 weeks in, I realized I felt like a zombie... flat and apathetic about everything. I was also restless as hell, and jittery... trying to crawl out of my own skin. A zombie with no drive is horrible. I decided I'd rather be sad sometimes, okay in general, and happy in small doses than to feel nothing at all. I stopped taking them, and felt better almost immediately. Until tonight... now I'm realizing the past month, with the holidays and pills... those were just another distraction from reality. :'(

In that time I even went on a couple of dates, with 2 different guys. Both were respectable enough and nice, but after assessing each "date" I realized, I didn't really have enough fun or like them enough to pursue anything further. They were simply MORE temporary distractions... and now I feel just guilt about them. :( I know you'd want me to be happy, but I'm starting to think no guy is going to even come close...

I heard some new music... beautiful sounds to my ears. One by someone new, and another by a mutual favorite band of ours. I think you would have loved both, so I'm going to add them to this post, instead of putting them on the video page. I don't know why, but they are hauntingly beautiful to me, regardless of lyrical content.

I love you, Frank... I wish I felt your presence here with me. People say you are here, but how do they know? Why don't I feel or sense it? I feel like I am being robbed of something and am getting screwed out of something when I only have my memories. I don't even get you in dreams anymore...

I love you still, and I always will. And I miss you. <3 

Thanksgiving

Well, it was really just another Thanksgiving. I meant to bring a candle to light in your memory, but I forgot in all the chaos of trying to get out the door with kids & food. *sigh* It was like any other Thanksgiving. Lots of food, lots of visiting with your family & lots of laughs. I heard stories about you... only the kind of stories people would tell knowing you would never be around to tell your side of the story. They were funny, though. I sure miss you... Thanksgiving was never a huge deal with us, so I'm not sure the lack of your presence affected me the way I thought it would. Christmas, on the other hand, is going to be hard and I know it. Anyways, I guess I'm going to look at gift options for the kids since today is Black Friday. I've sworn off shopping unless I know for sure something is in stock that is a MUST have. Kevin is here, so that is nice. Ashley was here yesterday with Matt & Colton, and that was nice, too. It was almost like having our family back together, except without Lexi and you. I love you! Wishing you were here... 

Love Forever,
~Lisa

Good Gawd...

The ups & downs of trying to be "responsibly intoxicated":
1. Being able to drive yourself home after 2 shots of tequila & 2 tall strong drinks... after not drinking for 3+ weeks.
2. Being able to drink water & not take it any further... accompanied with not doing this very often, and years of earlier experience?
3. Stopping at the gas station on the way home for smokes, being not sober enough to drive and having 3 cop cars sitting there... getting in your car & saying to yourself "Ha! Take that!" to the 'pigs' in the rearview mirror while crankin' 'Fuck Da Police' by N.W.A., while waiting for an obviously broken new traffic light... 10 min. with no cross traffic??? REALLY?!?!.. and finally "blowing it" and going anyways (with 3 said cops in the rearview), and saying "Eff it" while wailing burst-your-eardrums Alice In Chains on the radio.
4. Being able to coherently type this status at 2 AM.

The cons?:
5. Not being able to find a sober cab.
6. Being flirted with by a "so so" guy, to soon realize he is flirting with EVERYONE... and the attractive people being unavailable or unknown.
7. Not being true to ones's self.
8. All of the above and pure 'luck'.
9. The tears that flow as I type.

A day in the life... luckily not one that happens  very often, and risky choices at worst,  and most likely won't happen again - TOO much chance for me. But, now that I'm home safe & sound in my bed, all is well and I shall sleep well. Did I have other options? Yes. Did I make poor choices? Yes. Could things have been worse? MUCH MORE SO. Night is done, and these are the situations that occurred and went through my mind, Point is, would have been MUCH easier as a couple and one or the other being a D.D. I won't do it again...  can say that much. And yes, I was fucking LUCKY as hell!!! Not bragging. Stating facts.

All this? In case anyone was wondering.

Oh dear...

Hello, My Love,

     I know I haven't written in a while... I've been a kind of zombie haze over the past 2 weeks for some reason. I think all of the fun had in October made the bore of November that much more stark in comparison. While things are looking up in fairness (regarding  your estate) for all our kids, I am in a rut. I need MY mechanic now more than ever... and just need you.
     Everything that could go wrong with my car has... amongst other things with your remaining vehicles. Having to rely on the kindness & generosity of your mechanic friends has begun to wear on me. I'm constantly concerned about money, and not wanting to "pester" your friends for help... and everything seems to be going wrong at once.
     The burdens of this house have become too much for me to bear. I should be packing, and repairing things... cleaning it up since I've found out I'll be losing it sooner than later now with the impending short sale. I have no clue where I'll go, or what I'll do. It's all just too much for me to think about or be bothered with.
     There's a guy that likes me, and I went on a date with him. It was a dud... and now he wants to see me again. I'm not excited about it & really would just rather not. He's sweet, smart & MUCH younger than me... but I'm just not "feeling it". I should take advantage, since I have no one else. But, I won't... I've lost interest for the most part. Nobody compares to you... I doubt anyone ever will. But the loneliness really SUCKS.
     The holidays are nearing. I am thankful your mom called to invite us over for Thanksgiving. I was worried I'd have to start a new tradition. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are still up in the air. Nobody has money to come down here (aside from my mom), and my car won't make it up there. :( Anyways... they're gonna suck. I'll try to make them NOT suck for the kids' sake.
     I don't have much else to report or say. This was our planned wedding time... shack time... hunting time. I'm doing none of those things, as much as I'd love to, but they've been weighing heavily on my mind since November began. NOBODY went to the shack this year, and I can't go alone... not that my car would make it. I wanted to spread some ashes there, and just relax & reflect. Maybe later... </3

Much Love,
~Lisa
   

Half a year...

Where has the time gone? I know it doesn't matter to anyone but me, but your kids & everyone else is posting today about it being 6 months. The 1st was 6 months. :( Yes, you were revived and brought back and then gone again on the 3rd. But were you REALLY there for those 2.5 days? I don't know... I just know my nightmare began on the first, and I watched you die twice. I don't think anyone realizes what the first was like, at home. The only one who really knows is Jody... and the EMTs of course. For me, it's better to think of the first as THE day... then I don't have to think about the time spent in the hospital with you, the ups & downs or you not looking like you... the chaos of it all. It is easier for me to accept that when you collapsed & I caught you falling off the couch so you wouldn't hit your head was it. Walking talking & fine one minute, and gone the next. Poof! It's just easier that way. I don't tell the kids or many other people that it was really May 1st, and I'm sure people think I am weird or dumb whenever I post or say anything about the first being "the" day, but unless they ask, I'll just leave things be as they are. *sigh*

I stayed busy ALL month during October. Halloween was a little hard, because you were so much more patient than me taking Franki trick-or-treating. I just wanted it done & over with... she lasted an hour, then we came home. I dressed up as a zombie twice for various events. Went to many events & scary attractions (that weren't really scary). The best was the Mounds Theatre haunted tour. I had hoped you'd follow me & maybe I'd see or hear you through their equipment, but I didn't. I did feel & hear some things, though. Now my plan is to get my own equipment. Maybe it's hokey, and you know I'm a skeptic, but I'll try anything just to hear or contact you somehow. I hope to also find a REAL medium someday who might be able to help me... us? I was told by my stepmom that you are distancing yourself on purpose, so that I won't be so hung up on you & can move on easier... that sounds like bullshit to me. I think I'm doing better than most women in my position have done. And why would you tell or show her that and not me... or anyone else for that matter? Another friend (in Canada whom I've never met) claims you were talking to her one night. Some things seemed legit, but most of it made no sense to me at all. I just don't know what to believe... I want to believe you are here in spirit, but need something more convincing to happen. :(

November is upon us. We would have been married this month... last year, this year, next year... who knows for sure. I thought after the chaos of October had ended, I'd have a little peace and time to reflect. Nope! I want nothing more than to be up at the shack and spread some of your ashes there, and lie in the bed we shared, hike the trails we explored together, eat venison & remember you with the guys. But, that won't happen this year... nobody is there. Nobody plans to go there. I can't do it alone, and it's not a place for the kids. :( I could just cry. My plan for the last 6 months has to go up there as we had planned, and leave a little bit of you there, and reflect upon everything... and now those plans have been squashed. I could go on my own, but I don't know how to run the generator, start the oven, or anything else that one would need to know. *kicking self for not being more independent* Oh well, some things are just out of my control. Maybe next year...

I know my posts have been less frequent than before, and as much as I want to blog & have a record of EVERYTHING, when I am busy, it's hard to find the time or know what to say. I think of you always, but I can't possibly jot down every little thought. You are eternally on my mind and in my heart, and if you are truly here, I hope you know that. I miss you. <3

Forever Yours,
~Lisa

Sometimes

Sometimes, I think it's better if I don't think of you. Other times, I need a little reminder of what "having it made" means. Sometimes, I get in a mood... the kind of mood you would have loved. Tonight, I was in one of these moods... and simultaneously went looking through photos. I'm not sure if it was a good idea, or a bad one. I remembered the things we did together behind closed doors. I remember how sexy I always thought you were. And then I cried. We always had that chemistry. Yeah, I see guys I think are hot, but it's not the same. You always looked at me with longing, loving eyes, regardless of how shitty I looked on any given day. I see couples fighting & drama, and think how glad I am that we never had that... and dread future relationships in fear of that drama. You set the bar. But, when I looked at your photos tonight, I wished that there were more of US. And I think of how unfair it is that whatever forces took you from me. You were my world. I feel lost. I can look at other guys, talk to other guys, make plans with other guys, but I never follow through because I am scared... and I feel like it's "cheating". :( I just want you back. I know that is unrealistic, but can't you come to me in my dreams? Or haunt me as a ghost? ANYTHING. I need answers... and closure. How will I ever look at anyone like I looked at you? And even more puzzling, how will ANY person look at me like you? PLEASE... everyone knows I'm a skeptic, but I want more than anything right now to believe. People say you are here with me... why can't I feel you? </3 Have you moved on to better things? Or are you simply gone? Is all I'll ever have is memories? Are memories enough?

Yours Forever,
~Lisa