It's been a while...

I know my posts are fewer & further between lately. Most days, I manage to keep myself busy or distracted enough to NOT think of how lost I am without you, or how much I miss you. Then, once in a while, some memory will come to me... usually good ones, and I smile, even if only to myself. Even rarer are nights like this, where I remember something profoundly intimate & beautiful... something that I can't even describe n words to another human being, and I break down. The tears flow like they'll never stop. I get up, try to shake it off, go look for something to snack on or drink, and by the time I am out the door, I've forgotten what it was I was doing. The tears flow again. The harshness of the reality that I will NEVER experience those things again, slaps me in the face. At this exact moment, I want nothing more than to have you back. A time machine would be a dream come true...

I had a short stint on anti-depressants over the holidays. At it's peak time, about 4 weeks in, I realized I felt like a zombie... flat and apathetic about everything. I was also restless as hell, and jittery... trying to crawl out of my own skin. A zombie with no drive is horrible. I decided I'd rather be sad sometimes, okay in general, and happy in small doses than to feel nothing at all. I stopped taking them, and felt better almost immediately. Until tonight... now I'm realizing the past month, with the holidays and pills... those were just another distraction from reality. :'(

In that time I even went on a couple of dates, with 2 different guys. Both were respectable enough and nice, but after assessing each "date" I realized, I didn't really have enough fun or like them enough to pursue anything further. They were simply MORE temporary distractions... and now I feel just guilt about them. :( I know you'd want me to be happy, but I'm starting to think no guy is going to even come close...

I heard some new music... beautiful sounds to my ears. One by someone new, and another by a mutual favorite band of ours. I think you would have loved both, so I'm going to add them to this post, instead of putting them on the video page. I don't know why, but they are hauntingly beautiful to me, regardless of lyrical content.

I love you, Frank... I wish I felt your presence here with me. People say you are here, but how do they know? Why don't I feel or sense it? I feel like I am being robbed of something and am getting screwed out of something when I only have my memories. I don't even get you in dreams anymore...

I love you still, and I always will. And I miss you. <3