Friday, May 25, 2012
Signs?
My Dearest Frank,
was that you in the car when I was holding my hand out for you to hold?
Was that you when I felt all tingly & warm in bed those first few nights home?
Was that you who threw or dropped 2 shampoo bottles out of the shower & onto the floor when I turned around from looking in the mirror?
Was that you in the stairwell when we all smelled cologne? JOOP?
Was that you in CVS when my hand suddenly smelled like pencil shavings? Ashley smelled it, too...
Was it you that stopped the rain so we could get to the car dry when leaving CVS? I said "Frank! Please make this rain stop, especially when I'm out running errands!" and it stopped, but only over us...
Was it you or your Angel statue that kept Robyn safe when she got in an accident on 494?
Was it you in your Angel urn in the passenger seat of the Camaro that kept me safe when I lost control and was SURE it was going to roll?
Was it you who placed & spilled a ROTTEN putrefied Venti Caramel Latte in the van? I had cleaned it out 2 days before, and I swear it wasn't there before...
Is it you thumping & bumping around upstairs & in the bedroom late at night & scaring the bejeezus out of me? Or are those just the old sounds of the house?
Did you whisper my name loudly in the middle of the night last night? Or was that a strange sound or sigh from one of our sleeping children, that happened to sound like my name?
Was it you who called my name in your silly joking voice TWICE in the hospital, once when Ashley & I were waiting to come in & see you outside of your room, and that same day, when Ashley & I and Feeni had left your room & were heading down the hall? I wasn't the only one to hear it... the nurses said they didn't hear anything, though...
If these are all signs, then I will consider myself blessed & lucky. If they aren't, then I am losing my marbles or my senses are hyper sensitive since you've been gone. I'd like MORE signs that you are here. I'd love you to hold me at night, touch my face the way you always did, tell me you love me or how beautiful I am like you used to... tell me it's going to be okay or that you are still with me.
All My Love,
~Lisa
was that you in the car when I was holding my hand out for you to hold?
Was that you when I felt all tingly & warm in bed those first few nights home?
Was that you who threw or dropped 2 shampoo bottles out of the shower & onto the floor when I turned around from looking in the mirror?
Was that you in the stairwell when we all smelled cologne? JOOP?
Was that you in CVS when my hand suddenly smelled like pencil shavings? Ashley smelled it, too...
Was it you that stopped the rain so we could get to the car dry when leaving CVS? I said "Frank! Please make this rain stop, especially when I'm out running errands!" and it stopped, but only over us...
Was it you or your Angel statue that kept Robyn safe when she got in an accident on 494?
Was it you in your Angel urn in the passenger seat of the Camaro that kept me safe when I lost control and was SURE it was going to roll?
Was it you who placed & spilled a ROTTEN putrefied Venti Caramel Latte in the van? I had cleaned it out 2 days before, and I swear it wasn't there before...
Is it you thumping & bumping around upstairs & in the bedroom late at night & scaring the bejeezus out of me? Or are those just the old sounds of the house?
Did you whisper my name loudly in the middle of the night last night? Or was that a strange sound or sigh from one of our sleeping children, that happened to sound like my name?
Was it you who called my name in your silly joking voice TWICE in the hospital, once when Ashley & I were waiting to come in & see you outside of your room, and that same day, when Ashley & I and Feeni had left your room & were heading down the hall? I wasn't the only one to hear it... the nurses said they didn't hear anything, though...
If these are all signs, then I will consider myself blessed & lucky. If they aren't, then I am losing my marbles or my senses are hyper sensitive since you've been gone. I'd like MORE signs that you are here. I'd love you to hold me at night, touch my face the way you always did, tell me you love me or how beautiful I am like you used to... tell me it's going to be okay or that you are still with me.
All My Love,
~Lisa
Changes
Dear Frank,
Yesterday marked 3 weeks since the 'official' day of your passing. I had just started listening to the radio the day before - I was avoiding it in fear of hearing something that might trigger a breakdown, a song you loved, a song we loved, etc. - when I had a little breakdown. I was on my way to Starbucks at about 9:25 AM, and stopped at the light at 185th & Cty Rd 50, started station surfing (everything is crap nowadays), and Far Behind by Candlebox came on. I lost it. I remember giving you a mix CD early in our relationship (I still have it somewhere) and this was one of the songs on it. We both have always loved it. :*( Anyways, I listened to 3/4 of the song while sobbing, and then turned it off. I just couldn't take it. No more music for me for a while! I had to pull into a parking space & regain my composure before going through the Starbucks drive-through.
A little over a week ago, I was forced to apply for assistance. You were our primary wage earner, and supported me & five kids for SO many years. Because of things that happened to our kids while in the care of others, and our deep mistrust of pretty much everyone outside of our immediate family, we were content with me staying home with them instead of working. I became accustomed to that lifestyle, and now I am nearly destitute. I started crying in the meeting with the first welfare worker, with my dad at my side for comfort... this happened while filling out YOUR information, and while filling out a questionnaire regarding my strengths & goals (I'd never thought about that until right then). Last week, I met with an employment counselor, and now I am being forced to actively job search OR work for 25 or more hours per week, plus attend workshops, meetings & classes, find daycare and all required to be done RIGHT NOW. I hadn't even started on Thank You notes until yesterday!
Franki Jade has been a terror for the past 2 weeks. She won't listen and tries to do things she KNOWS we don't approve of. Wearing makeup at 9 years old? We've had at least 5 fights over that little stunt. She's not been doing homework, or cleaning up after herself, has been watching stuff on TV meant for older teens, arguing with everyone about everything, etc. While she's doing this stuff, I'm busy trying to find a job, organize paperwork, fill out forms, do Thank You cards, cook, clean or whatever, and she's taking full advantage. I feel like I'm a single parent again & I don't know how to do it alone... nor do I want to! What a nightmare!
Even the dogs have changed... Waffles has been naughty, reverting to her trying to dominate & beat up the other dogs (especially Lily). Pika was depressed for the first 2 weeks, and acted out by refusing to come into the house after going outside (I had to pick her up and bring her in) and picking fights with Waffles. She just sulked & moped for those whole two weeks. Lily has developed severe separation anxiety, and I swear she's going to give herself a heart attack by how excited she gets when I come home - even if I am gone only for minutes... she shakes, whines, claws my legs until I pick her up, and her eyeballs look like they're going to pop out of her head. Poor thing. All the dogs always liked you best, since you didn't groom them or do other "mean" things to them.
The cats have changed, too. Lynx has been way more lazy than usual, and he snuck out a few times, and then somehow convinced visiting family that he NEEDED to go outside, so they let him out. He's not an outdoor cat and he knows it! When he's not being a total lazy ass, he's getting into trouble... tearing around the house, grabbing people who walk by him, knocking stuff over, eating plants, tearing into bags of food or chips on the counter. He's also convinced every visitor that he is starving to death, and I'm convinced he was fed at least 3 times a day while company was still heavy. He's gotten quite fat! Leela has bonded with my mom, who is allergic to her. She does things to my mom like she always did before with Kevin. She tries to sleep on her face and pesters her non-stop.
I've only seen your kids twice since you died, not including your service. I miss them, and know this is NOT how you would have wanted things. Your ex is now in control, and is their legal guardian, and has made it VERY clear to everyone, and is going all out in asserting that control. If I want the kids to come here, or if they want to come here, I have to contact her before talking to them. I've told the kids it's just not worth the heartache to me to have to battle with her to simply see them. I know you'd be disappointed, but I just don't have any fight left in me, Frank. </3
I've been camped out in my living room for 2.5 weeks on my couch. I tried sleeping on yours, but it was too weird & I couldn't get comfortable. I did sleep in our bed for 2 nights after coming home, but I think my body overrode my mind & heart and I truly NEEDED to sleep, regardless of WHERE. I tried to sleep in our bed 2 nights afterwards, and got this weird feeling on the left side of my body... warm, tingling and numb. It scared me, and I didn't want to be alone, so I gave up trying to sleep in our room. :( Even my first few nights on my couch, I got that same feeling, and was scared to sleep. I'd sit up and do NOTHING for an hour or so, and finally be tired enough & have that feeling gone, and then I slept. For the most part, my sleep has been uninterrupted by dreams. I know I've had two dreams in 3 weeks, and that is unusual for me. The first one was that Leela starved to death. I don't recall the second one, but I woke up, and remembered seeing your face VERY clearly.
I've asked you to touch me, to hold my hand, to just give me a sign of some sort that you are still with me. Two days ago in the car, when I was alone, I held out my hand & asked you to hold it. I must have held my hand out like that for 10 minutes and kept looking over to the passenger seat. I did get a weird sensation in the center of the palm of my hand, but I can't describe it. Was that you? If so, please do it more often. I know that if I KNEW you were still here with me, even in spirit, I would be so much more at ease. I can have a relationship with a ghost! I love you & don't care if it's weird to say that.
Yesterday, when I was zoned out with "work" that I was doing, some jerk turned around in our driveway. I heard the crunch of the gravel under their tires, instinctively looked at the time, and out of habit thought to myself, "Frank's home!" Then I remembered...
I haven't done but one or two loads of laundry since I've been home. I see your clothes in the bedroom, and avoid it as well. One day when your son was here, I told him he could look through things & see if there were any clothes he wanted. I tried to help him, but got wet eyes when I saw your flaming skull JNCO jeans, and walked away. Later, we went into the basement and in the dryer was a whole load of mostly your clothes. I pulled out one of your funny T-Shirts, and lost it and had to hide in the bathroom until I was done. I told him to just find what he wanted & that I'd be upstairs. Morgan has been helping with laundry, and happened to find an unwashed T-Shirt of yours... the one that says "I got out of bed for this?" She brought it up to show me & have me smell it. We decided to seal it in a zip lock bag so we could smell it FOREVER. I miss your smell SO much. I've been using our blankets & your pillows & pillowcases, but your scent faded quickly from them. :( I'm sure I'll find more "distinctly YOU" things that I can seal and smell, but for now I can't bear to go through any of it.
I feel like my life is in upheaval, I don't know what to do, and I just really want you back. I NEED you! You have always been my rock & my best friend! <3 I haven't had time to properly mourn and wonder if I ever will. The sporadic short crying fits just seem weird and random to me. I wonder if people see me as cold or indifferent to all of this? I'm trying to stay strong, and be tough on the outside. Inside I'm a wreck, and cannot stop thinking about you. Anyways, as always, I love you. You were my better half, and took a piece of me and my heart with you when you went away. I'll NEVER be the same, and I'm sure I'll never find complete happiness again. </3
Always & Forever,
~Lisa
Yesterday marked 3 weeks since the 'official' day of your passing. I had just started listening to the radio the day before - I was avoiding it in fear of hearing something that might trigger a breakdown, a song you loved, a song we loved, etc. - when I had a little breakdown. I was on my way to Starbucks at about 9:25 AM, and stopped at the light at 185th & Cty Rd 50, started station surfing (everything is crap nowadays), and Far Behind by Candlebox came on. I lost it. I remember giving you a mix CD early in our relationship (I still have it somewhere) and this was one of the songs on it. We both have always loved it. :*( Anyways, I listened to 3/4 of the song while sobbing, and then turned it off. I just couldn't take it. No more music for me for a while! I had to pull into a parking space & regain my composure before going through the Starbucks drive-through.
A little over a week ago, I was forced to apply for assistance. You were our primary wage earner, and supported me & five kids for SO many years. Because of things that happened to our kids while in the care of others, and our deep mistrust of pretty much everyone outside of our immediate family, we were content with me staying home with them instead of working. I became accustomed to that lifestyle, and now I am nearly destitute. I started crying in the meeting with the first welfare worker, with my dad at my side for comfort... this happened while filling out YOUR information, and while filling out a questionnaire regarding my strengths & goals (I'd never thought about that until right then). Last week, I met with an employment counselor, and now I am being forced to actively job search OR work for 25 or more hours per week, plus attend workshops, meetings & classes, find daycare and all required to be done RIGHT NOW. I hadn't even started on Thank You notes until yesterday!
Franki Jade has been a terror for the past 2 weeks. She won't listen and tries to do things she KNOWS we don't approve of. Wearing makeup at 9 years old? We've had at least 5 fights over that little stunt. She's not been doing homework, or cleaning up after herself, has been watching stuff on TV meant for older teens, arguing with everyone about everything, etc. While she's doing this stuff, I'm busy trying to find a job, organize paperwork, fill out forms, do Thank You cards, cook, clean or whatever, and she's taking full advantage. I feel like I'm a single parent again & I don't know how to do it alone... nor do I want to! What a nightmare!
Even the dogs have changed... Waffles has been naughty, reverting to her trying to dominate & beat up the other dogs (especially Lily). Pika was depressed for the first 2 weeks, and acted out by refusing to come into the house after going outside (I had to pick her up and bring her in) and picking fights with Waffles. She just sulked & moped for those whole two weeks. Lily has developed severe separation anxiety, and I swear she's going to give herself a heart attack by how excited she gets when I come home - even if I am gone only for minutes... she shakes, whines, claws my legs until I pick her up, and her eyeballs look like they're going to pop out of her head. Poor thing. All the dogs always liked you best, since you didn't groom them or do other "mean" things to them.
The cats have changed, too. Lynx has been way more lazy than usual, and he snuck out a few times, and then somehow convinced visiting family that he NEEDED to go outside, so they let him out. He's not an outdoor cat and he knows it! When he's not being a total lazy ass, he's getting into trouble... tearing around the house, grabbing people who walk by him, knocking stuff over, eating plants, tearing into bags of food or chips on the counter. He's also convinced every visitor that he is starving to death, and I'm convinced he was fed at least 3 times a day while company was still heavy. He's gotten quite fat! Leela has bonded with my mom, who is allergic to her. She does things to my mom like she always did before with Kevin. She tries to sleep on her face and pesters her non-stop.
I've only seen your kids twice since you died, not including your service. I miss them, and know this is NOT how you would have wanted things. Your ex is now in control, and is their legal guardian, and has made it VERY clear to everyone, and is going all out in asserting that control. If I want the kids to come here, or if they want to come here, I have to contact her before talking to them. I've told the kids it's just not worth the heartache to me to have to battle with her to simply see them. I know you'd be disappointed, but I just don't have any fight left in me, Frank. </3
I've been camped out in my living room for 2.5 weeks on my couch. I tried sleeping on yours, but it was too weird & I couldn't get comfortable. I did sleep in our bed for 2 nights after coming home, but I think my body overrode my mind & heart and I truly NEEDED to sleep, regardless of WHERE. I tried to sleep in our bed 2 nights afterwards, and got this weird feeling on the left side of my body... warm, tingling and numb. It scared me, and I didn't want to be alone, so I gave up trying to sleep in our room. :( Even my first few nights on my couch, I got that same feeling, and was scared to sleep. I'd sit up and do NOTHING for an hour or so, and finally be tired enough & have that feeling gone, and then I slept. For the most part, my sleep has been uninterrupted by dreams. I know I've had two dreams in 3 weeks, and that is unusual for me. The first one was that Leela starved to death. I don't recall the second one, but I woke up, and remembered seeing your face VERY clearly.
I've asked you to touch me, to hold my hand, to just give me a sign of some sort that you are still with me. Two days ago in the car, when I was alone, I held out my hand & asked you to hold it. I must have held my hand out like that for 10 minutes and kept looking over to the passenger seat. I did get a weird sensation in the center of the palm of my hand, but I can't describe it. Was that you? If so, please do it more often. I know that if I KNEW you were still here with me, even in spirit, I would be so much more at ease. I can have a relationship with a ghost! I love you & don't care if it's weird to say that.
Yesterday, when I was zoned out with "work" that I was doing, some jerk turned around in our driveway. I heard the crunch of the gravel under their tires, instinctively looked at the time, and out of habit thought to myself, "Frank's home!" Then I remembered...
I haven't done but one or two loads of laundry since I've been home. I see your clothes in the bedroom, and avoid it as well. One day when your son was here, I told him he could look through things & see if there were any clothes he wanted. I tried to help him, but got wet eyes when I saw your flaming skull JNCO jeans, and walked away. Later, we went into the basement and in the dryer was a whole load of mostly your clothes. I pulled out one of your funny T-Shirts, and lost it and had to hide in the bathroom until I was done. I told him to just find what he wanted & that I'd be upstairs. Morgan has been helping with laundry, and happened to find an unwashed T-Shirt of yours... the one that says "I got out of bed for this?" She brought it up to show me & have me smell it. We decided to seal it in a zip lock bag so we could smell it FOREVER. I miss your smell SO much. I've been using our blankets & your pillows & pillowcases, but your scent faded quickly from them. :( I'm sure I'll find more "distinctly YOU" things that I can seal and smell, but for now I can't bear to go through any of it.
I feel like my life is in upheaval, I don't know what to do, and I just really want you back. I NEED you! You have always been my rock & my best friend! <3 I haven't had time to properly mourn and wonder if I ever will. The sporadic short crying fits just seem weird and random to me. I wonder if people see me as cold or indifferent to all of this? I'm trying to stay strong, and be tough on the outside. Inside I'm a wreck, and cannot stop thinking about you. Anyways, as always, I love you. You were my better half, and took a piece of me and my heart with you when you went away. I'll NEVER be the same, and I'm sure I'll never find complete happiness again. </3
Always & Forever,
~Lisa
Monday, May 21, 2012
Our plans & shattered dreams...
In the last year & a half, we had actually begun to plan our wedding. We knew we wanted a winter wedding. We had decided that the first or second week in November would be perfect, as I would have family in the area for hunting season and it was convenient. It wouldn't be too hot, so I could wear something with sleeves. I actually had TWO dresses picked out, but hadn't decided 100% yet. Frank wanted our wedding to be ON the beach at the Longbranch in Winton, MN, regardless of the weather. It would be a short, but sweet ceremony. I had even chosen a hat/veil thing (it had a retro look) and it was in my mother's hands for safekeeping. We also had a punch bowl. I had begun designing invites, and still have them tucked away in my computer somewhere.
We kept putting the date off or pushing it back another year at a time. It wasn't because of cold feet or falling out of love for each other. I wanted to lose weight so I could look good, and we worried about finances. You see, I've had Medical Assistance for 15+ years. More & more of my meds were not being covered by my insurance & a lot had become OTC drugs. These are meds I've always taken and literally NEED to survive. I have severe asthma & allergies, along with some other more minor issues. Anyways, if Frank and I had married, I would have lost the MA and been put on his health insurance through work. His premiums were HIGH for a family plan, and there's no way we could have afforded it. If I went without insurance, then the meds & doctors appointments would have to come out of pocket, and we couldn't afford that either. One inhaler alone (preventative) retails for $375 for a month supply. So, the insurance was a HUGE factor in us putting the wedding date off. It was hard, too with everyone constantly asking "So, when's the big date?" *sigh*
Another reason we were content with the way things were & not rushing things, is that we were perfectly fine & happy with the way things were. We got along great, and we both viewed marriage as a piece of paper. We were married at heart anyways, and that's what mattered the most to us. We had been discussing nixing the wedding thing all together, and just having a commitment ceremony instead. We would do better with our taxes if we were married, but that was peanuts compared to the insurance issues. Looking back now, I guess it would have been better for me right now had we gotten hitched, but who can foresee something like this happening? Minnesota hasn't recognized "common law" marriages since 1941 (or so I've read), although I know people who were married by common law & even got a new Social Security card with a recognized name change without asking for it and without being legally married. Anyways, the point is moot... without common law or a real marriage, I am entitled to NOTHING, unless I was specifically named as a beneficiary in any paperwork... but that is a long story for another day.
We had plans to retire on the Iron Range. I have a house in Eveleth, MN, but Frank wanted to find a piece of land, on or near a lake, in the woods where we could live a quiet life. He knew his time being a mechanic was limited with the toll it takes on the body, so this was our 10 year plan, and then our 5 year plan, and most recently, our 3 year plan. He wanted to wait until his daughter Lexi was 18 and/or out of school. I tried to talk him into doing it now, as I just don't like being in the cities and hated seeing him work so hard ALL the time. :( I wish now that I had pushed harder. He was ALWAYS looking at real estate up north online, and had a catalog of properties up north (cabins, lakefront, etc) that he was always showing me certain listings and asking me "What do you think of this one?" :) Pipe dreams... gotta love him. I just wish that we had done SOMETHING and that he hadn't had so much stress in his life. :(
He and I wanted to live in the woods and become one with nature & lead a simpler life. We wanted to be married. Frank was going to ask Teddy to be his best man. He wanted to restore his 63 1/2 Ford Galaxie 500 Fastback. He had lots of projects, including a motorcycle, a snowmobile, a boat & a camper. Not to mention NUMEROUS car projects that he just never had the time to get around to.
We talked about what we would be like when we were old. He wanted to be a dirty old man & find a girlfriend in the nursing home with Parkinson's and he would have her "just hold 'it'". XD I was going to be a mean old lady who just doesn't care & says whatever she thinks, including swearing like a sailor. Little did we know, we would never grow old together. </3
We kept putting the date off or pushing it back another year at a time. It wasn't because of cold feet or falling out of love for each other. I wanted to lose weight so I could look good, and we worried about finances. You see, I've had Medical Assistance for 15+ years. More & more of my meds were not being covered by my insurance & a lot had become OTC drugs. These are meds I've always taken and literally NEED to survive. I have severe asthma & allergies, along with some other more minor issues. Anyways, if Frank and I had married, I would have lost the MA and been put on his health insurance through work. His premiums were HIGH for a family plan, and there's no way we could have afforded it. If I went without insurance, then the meds & doctors appointments would have to come out of pocket, and we couldn't afford that either. One inhaler alone (preventative) retails for $375 for a month supply. So, the insurance was a HUGE factor in us putting the wedding date off. It was hard, too with everyone constantly asking "So, when's the big date?" *sigh*
Another reason we were content with the way things were & not rushing things, is that we were perfectly fine & happy with the way things were. We got along great, and we both viewed marriage as a piece of paper. We were married at heart anyways, and that's what mattered the most to us. We had been discussing nixing the wedding thing all together, and just having a commitment ceremony instead. We would do better with our taxes if we were married, but that was peanuts compared to the insurance issues. Looking back now, I guess it would have been better for me right now had we gotten hitched, but who can foresee something like this happening? Minnesota hasn't recognized "common law" marriages since 1941 (or so I've read), although I know people who were married by common law & even got a new Social Security card with a recognized name change without asking for it and without being legally married. Anyways, the point is moot... without common law or a real marriage, I am entitled to NOTHING, unless I was specifically named as a beneficiary in any paperwork... but that is a long story for another day.
We had plans to retire on the Iron Range. I have a house in Eveleth, MN, but Frank wanted to find a piece of land, on or near a lake, in the woods where we could live a quiet life. He knew his time being a mechanic was limited with the toll it takes on the body, so this was our 10 year plan, and then our 5 year plan, and most recently, our 3 year plan. He wanted to wait until his daughter Lexi was 18 and/or out of school. I tried to talk him into doing it now, as I just don't like being in the cities and hated seeing him work so hard ALL the time. :( I wish now that I had pushed harder. He was ALWAYS looking at real estate up north online, and had a catalog of properties up north (cabins, lakefront, etc) that he was always showing me certain listings and asking me "What do you think of this one?" :) Pipe dreams... gotta love him. I just wish that we had done SOMETHING and that he hadn't had so much stress in his life. :(
He and I wanted to live in the woods and become one with nature & lead a simpler life. We wanted to be married. Frank was going to ask Teddy to be his best man. He wanted to restore his 63 1/2 Ford Galaxie 500 Fastback. He had lots of projects, including a motorcycle, a snowmobile, a boat & a camper. Not to mention NUMEROUS car projects that he just never had the time to get around to.
We talked about what we would be like when we were old. He wanted to be a dirty old man & find a girlfriend in the nursing home with Parkinson's and he would have her "just hold 'it'". XD I was going to be a mean old lady who just doesn't care & says whatever she thinks, including swearing like a sailor. Little did we know, we would never grow old together. </3
What I've learned
I'd always known Frank was born very premature... 3 months early? He was born in the 70s, so it was a miracle that he survived. There wasn't the technology back then that there is now. He'd told me he weighed 2 or 3 pounds when he was born and that his Grandpa Little (whom Frank was named after) could hold him in the palm of his hand. Frank had teeth problems when I met him, and he explained that he was born without enamel because he was a preemie. He'd also told me over the years how he'd struggled with pneumonia as a child & teen quite often, due to his underdeveloped lungs. That was about as much as Frank ever told me. There weren't a lot (if any) photos of him as a newborn, due to the fact that he was in the hospital for the first couple of month & his mom was at a different hospital.
While Frank was in the hospital, we found out that he had more than just lung & enamel problems. His Grandma P. said "I always worried about that boy & his poor little heart." :( We also learned there is a family history of heart problems on BOTH of Frank's sides of the family. I also learned some other things through other people, but I won't write about that now... maybe some other time.
Two years ago, Frank went in for a full physical. He found out he had high cholesterol, but not SCARY high. He was prescribed Simvastatin, and he took them for a couple of months. He also changed his diet & started eating more chicken, turkey & fish. When he went in for a re-check, his cholesterol was normal & good. When he ran out of his meds, he decided that maybe the dietary changes were enough, and never had them refilled. I think he went in ONE more time, and his cholesterol levels were still good. He figured he had fixed everything.
When going through his mail after he died, I found a letter from his health insurance company, and it had never been opened. Inside was an information sheet about "Your Risk for Heart Disease" and explained a bunch of things (like a publication). The letter was dated a year ago. :S So, maybe I wasn't told everything, or Frank thought it was no big deal? I'll never know for sure...
While Frank was in the hospital, we found out that he had more than just lung & enamel problems. His Grandma P. said "I always worried about that boy & his poor little heart." :( We also learned there is a family history of heart problems on BOTH of Frank's sides of the family. I also learned some other things through other people, but I won't write about that now... maybe some other time.
Two years ago, Frank went in for a full physical. He found out he had high cholesterol, but not SCARY high. He was prescribed Simvastatin, and he took them for a couple of months. He also changed his diet & started eating more chicken, turkey & fish. When he went in for a re-check, his cholesterol was normal & good. When he ran out of his meds, he decided that maybe the dietary changes were enough, and never had them refilled. I think he went in ONE more time, and his cholesterol levels were still good. He figured he had fixed everything.
When going through his mail after he died, I found a letter from his health insurance company, and it had never been opened. Inside was an information sheet about "Your Risk for Heart Disease" and explained a bunch of things (like a publication). The letter was dated a year ago. :S So, maybe I wasn't told everything, or Frank thought it was no big deal? I'll never know for sure...
Over the past 2 years, Frank drank more & more coffee, and over the past year was drinking TWO pots a day at work. After work, he would stop at Starbucks & order his Caramel Latte (espresso, milk, syrup). He also admitted to being tired more often, but we both just chalked it up to age. Over the past couple of months, he put on a little weight in the belly. His shirts fit tighter around the middle, and he would rub his belly & proudly say "Just like my Grandpa!" Grandpa Frank was also thin & trim, except he had a little potbelly. We chalked that up to age as well.
After Frank died, his Mom & talked a lot about him and his infancy. She said that in those first 2 months, they didn't know whether Frank would make it or not, and there were a LOT of ups & downs, highs & lows. It turns out ALL of his vital organs were underdeveloped. At some point he dropped a full pound, so he must have been 1 or 2 pounds. That is just SCARY!!! Eventually he pulled through & was able to go home. The doctors never said he would lead a sickly life, or a shorter life, but maybe they didn't know back then or just didn't want to give his parents a poor prognosis. It's another thing we'll never know. I keep thinking that MAYBE, Frank was destined to live a short life? Maybe this was meant to be? I don't want to think that, but considering all the things from his life health history, maybe it is so...
Regardless, Frank lived life to the fullest. He was obsessed with angels and had many statues, a painting & a tattoo of one on his arm. He said the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan had a profound & special meaning to him, and that it had been known to make him cry. I never saw Frank cry... in 11 years. People have said "Maybe he was an angel in training!" all this time. Maybe?
Frank LOVED his family & would give anyone the shirt off his back. He was the most giving person I knew, even though he wasn't rich (at least not with money). He was charitable, open-minded & just easy going. I only saw him get really mad a few times at kids. He was very protective of his family, and this made him a strict parent. He & I only had 2 spats in the whole 11 years, and they were nothing major. We had forgiven & forgotten within minutes. I valued him SO much, and although I said it often, I wonder if he REALLY knew how important he was to me, and to everyone else who knew him. He was very humble, so it's hard to say.
I've learned that life is too short to stay angry or have hatred in your heart. I knew that before, and Frank and I said it often. It isn't worth it to stay angry. My whole life changed for the better after meeting Frank, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I know that I will never find another man that will measure up to him, and I will ALWAYS compare men to him. I doubt I will ever move on, and I am fine with that. I know it might get lonely, especially after kids have all moved out & started their lives, but that is too far into the future for me to see right now. It just hurts that what we had, which was truly unique & wonderful, was taken away WAY too soon.
After Frank died, his Mom & talked a lot about him and his infancy. She said that in those first 2 months, they didn't know whether Frank would make it or not, and there were a LOT of ups & downs, highs & lows. It turns out ALL of his vital organs were underdeveloped. At some point he dropped a full pound, so he must have been 1 or 2 pounds. That is just SCARY!!! Eventually he pulled through & was able to go home. The doctors never said he would lead a sickly life, or a shorter life, but maybe they didn't know back then or just didn't want to give his parents a poor prognosis. It's another thing we'll never know. I keep thinking that MAYBE, Frank was destined to live a short life? Maybe this was meant to be? I don't want to think that, but considering all the things from his life health history, maybe it is so...
Regardless, Frank lived life to the fullest. He was obsessed with angels and had many statues, a painting & a tattoo of one on his arm. He said the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan had a profound & special meaning to him, and that it had been known to make him cry. I never saw Frank cry... in 11 years. People have said "Maybe he was an angel in training!" all this time. Maybe?
Frank LOVED his family & would give anyone the shirt off his back. He was the most giving person I knew, even though he wasn't rich (at least not with money). He was charitable, open-minded & just easy going. I only saw him get really mad a few times at kids. He was very protective of his family, and this made him a strict parent. He & I only had 2 spats in the whole 11 years, and they were nothing major. We had forgiven & forgotten within minutes. I valued him SO much, and although I said it often, I wonder if he REALLY knew how important he was to me, and to everyone else who knew him. He was very humble, so it's hard to say.
I've learned that life is too short to stay angry or have hatred in your heart. I knew that before, and Frank and I said it often. It isn't worth it to stay angry. My whole life changed for the better after meeting Frank, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I know that I will never find another man that will measure up to him, and I will ALWAYS compare men to him. I doubt I will ever move on, and I am fine with that. I know it might get lonely, especially after kids have all moved out & started their lives, but that is too far into the future for me to see right now. It just hurts that what we had, which was truly unique & wonderful, was taken away WAY too soon.
We had plans to marry someday, and he always referred to me as his wife. He never used the word 'fiance'' or 'girlfriend'. I've had an engagement ring since Christmas 8 years ago when he proposed to me in front of family. We were living in the farm house in Rosemount at the time. He handed me a large box, and I took the top off and peered into an empty box. Everyone laughed & asked me "What's in there"? I was too dumb too look at the top until I suspected something was up, and there it was... my ring, tied to a string attached to the lid and a note that said "Will you marry me?" :)
Time is nothing but a blur...
I know that technically Frank died on May 3rd in the hospital, but I was informed during those last few hours of his life that he actually died in our house. He died ON his couch & the police didn't do anything. When the paramedics/EMTs arrived, they performed CPR, shocked him, intubated & brought him back. I have so many thoughts running through my head. People say not to dwell on these things, that they will make no difference anyway, but I just cannot help it.
I wonder if maybe this would be easier, if I had just gone to bed that night... then I think "The kids would have found him in the morning, and that would have been traumatic as well". I wish that I had pushed him to go to the doctor, but honestly, I never considered "heart attack" to be the issue... after our phone call, I started researching MS symptoms. Then I think, well, maybe the clinic or hospital wouldn't have caught it or maybe he would have had the heart attack in their care, and I wouldn't have had those last few hours with him.
To me, tonight (around 1AM in the morning - technically Tuesday morning, but 1AM will always be "night" to me) will mark 3 weeks since he died. Really, he DID die here... they just brought him back, but it was probably already too late at that point, going all those minutes with no oxygen. :( I just didn't know, never considered it until the doctor told us that in the hours before Frank's heart finally gave up. I consider tonight to be the night, because it is the last time we spoke together... the last time I talked to him & he responded (or vice versa). After 1AM, it was just me talking to him. I cried "Wake up, Frank!" and "Breathe, honey, PLEASE!" over & over. I think I yelled at all the other people to "Help!" and "Save him!" and "Fix him!". Maybe deep down, I really knew he was gone, but suppressed it or something. Denial...
I talked to him in the hospital over the next 2.5 days. I told him how much I loved him & needed him.... how much his kids needed him, and I said it often. I told him he was strong and he could fight this & get better. I told him to show us and the doctors and nurses how strong & stubborn he really was. I joked with him a few times, as did Ashley. I massaged his arms, held his hand, stroked his hair, kissed his forehead and hands, applied Vaseline to his lips and told him "We need to keep those big beautiful lips moist so I can kiss them when you wake up!" I wiped tears and blood from his face, and washed his face. I rubbed his feet & legs, and once, my friend Sheri & I gave him a foot massage at the same time - one foot for each of us. Basically, I truly thought that love could save him... that love could bring him back to us, even if it was only to buy a little more time. Just 5 more minutes would have sufficed...
Before the doctors started to warm him up, they did a preliminary brain activity test. Why? I don't know... to see if it was worth their continued efforts? There WAS brain activity. How much? I don't know. Which parts of his brain was still working? The basic functions required for organ function? Hearing? FEELING? Full comprehension? I'll never know. Once, on the first day, we saw his arm move. Later, my mom saw him blink his eyes. I became more hopeful. When the doctors were told, they put him on paralytics so he COULDN'T move... they said his body was too weak to try to "do" things and it would hinder the healing process, and was too stressful & hard on his body. They were supposed to do another brain scan once they had warmed him up to normal body temperature, but it never happened. I'll always wonder if all those efforts left him in pain... or was he numb, but could hear us? I had hoped maybe they would bring him out of the coma before he died, if just for a few minutes so we could say goodbye & let him know that if it was too hard, it was okay for him to go... but it never happened. Maybe I just watch too much TV and am unrealistic. Frank and I religiously watched House since it first aired and never missed an episode...
I wonder if maybe this would be easier, if I had just gone to bed that night... then I think "The kids would have found him in the morning, and that would have been traumatic as well". I wish that I had pushed him to go to the doctor, but honestly, I never considered "heart attack" to be the issue... after our phone call, I started researching MS symptoms. Then I think, well, maybe the clinic or hospital wouldn't have caught it or maybe he would have had the heart attack in their care, and I wouldn't have had those last few hours with him.
To me, tonight (around 1AM in the morning - technically Tuesday morning, but 1AM will always be "night" to me) will mark 3 weeks since he died. Really, he DID die here... they just brought him back, but it was probably already too late at that point, going all those minutes with no oxygen. :( I just didn't know, never considered it until the doctor told us that in the hours before Frank's heart finally gave up. I consider tonight to be the night, because it is the last time we spoke together... the last time I talked to him & he responded (or vice versa). After 1AM, it was just me talking to him. I cried "Wake up, Frank!" and "Breathe, honey, PLEASE!" over & over. I think I yelled at all the other people to "Help!" and "Save him!" and "Fix him!". Maybe deep down, I really knew he was gone, but suppressed it or something. Denial...
I talked to him in the hospital over the next 2.5 days. I told him how much I loved him & needed him.... how much his kids needed him, and I said it often. I told him he was strong and he could fight this & get better. I told him to show us and the doctors and nurses how strong & stubborn he really was. I joked with him a few times, as did Ashley. I massaged his arms, held his hand, stroked his hair, kissed his forehead and hands, applied Vaseline to his lips and told him "We need to keep those big beautiful lips moist so I can kiss them when you wake up!" I wiped tears and blood from his face, and washed his face. I rubbed his feet & legs, and once, my friend Sheri & I gave him a foot massage at the same time - one foot for each of us. Basically, I truly thought that love could save him... that love could bring him back to us, even if it was only to buy a little more time. Just 5 more minutes would have sufficed...
Before the doctors started to warm him up, they did a preliminary brain activity test. Why? I don't know... to see if it was worth their continued efforts? There WAS brain activity. How much? I don't know. Which parts of his brain was still working? The basic functions required for organ function? Hearing? FEELING? Full comprehension? I'll never know. Once, on the first day, we saw his arm move. Later, my mom saw him blink his eyes. I became more hopeful. When the doctors were told, they put him on paralytics so he COULDN'T move... they said his body was too weak to try to "do" things and it would hinder the healing process, and was too stressful & hard on his body. They were supposed to do another brain scan once they had warmed him up to normal body temperature, but it never happened. I'll always wonder if all those efforts left him in pain... or was he numb, but could hear us? I had hoped maybe they would bring him out of the coma before he died, if just for a few minutes so we could say goodbye & let him know that if it was too hard, it was okay for him to go... but it never happened. Maybe I just watch too much TV and am unrealistic. Frank and I religiously watched House since it first aired and never missed an episode...
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Remembering...
Last night we watched "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding". At the end, they were showing this wedding and there were fireworks! I said "I want fireworks at MY wedding!" Then my mom said "Awe..." And then I remembered. :(
The other day, my car was making some weird noise. I thought to myself "I'll have to call Frank about that!", and then I remembered...
A week & a half ago, we were standing outside... me, his mom & his sister, and we were trying to figure something out (can't even remember what), but I started to say "We should just call Fr.... " and then I remembered.
I wonder how many times this kind of thing will happen and for how long? It's SO painful each time. :(
The other day, my car was making some weird noise. I thought to myself "I'll have to call Frank about that!", and then I remembered...
A week & a half ago, we were standing outside... me, his mom & his sister, and we were trying to figure something out (can't even remember what), but I started to say "We should just call Fr.... " and then I remembered.
I wonder how many times this kind of thing will happen and for how long? It's SO painful each time. :(
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