It's been a while...

I know my posts are fewer & further between lately. Most days, I manage to keep myself busy or distracted enough to NOT think of how lost I am without you, or how much I miss you. Then, once in a while, some memory will come to me... usually good ones, and I smile, even if only to myself. Even rarer are nights like this, where I remember something profoundly intimate & beautiful... something that I can't even describe n words to another human being, and I break down. The tears flow like they'll never stop. I get up, try to shake it off, go look for something to snack on or drink, and by the time I am out the door, I've forgotten what it was I was doing. The tears flow again. The harshness of the reality that I will NEVER experience those things again, slaps me in the face. At this exact moment, I want nothing more than to have you back. A time machine would be a dream come true...

I had a short stint on anti-depressants over the holidays. At it's peak time, about 4 weeks in, I realized I felt like a zombie... flat and apathetic about everything. I was also restless as hell, and jittery... trying to crawl out of my own skin. A zombie with no drive is horrible. I decided I'd rather be sad sometimes, okay in general, and happy in small doses than to feel nothing at all. I stopped taking them, and felt better almost immediately. Until tonight... now I'm realizing the past month, with the holidays and pills... those were just another distraction from reality. :'(

In that time I even went on a couple of dates, with 2 different guys. Both were respectable enough and nice, but after assessing each "date" I realized, I didn't really have enough fun or like them enough to pursue anything further. They were simply MORE temporary distractions... and now I feel just guilt about them. :( I know you'd want me to be happy, but I'm starting to think no guy is going to even come close...

I heard some new music... beautiful sounds to my ears. One by someone new, and another by a mutual favorite band of ours. I think you would have loved both, so I'm going to add them to this post, instead of putting them on the video page. I don't know why, but they are hauntingly beautiful to me, regardless of lyrical content.

I love you, Frank... I wish I felt your presence here with me. People say you are here, but how do they know? Why don't I feel or sense it? I feel like I am being robbed of something and am getting screwed out of something when I only have my memories. I don't even get you in dreams anymore...

I love you still, and I always will. And I miss you. <3 

Thanksgiving

Well, it was really just another Thanksgiving. I meant to bring a candle to light in your memory, but I forgot in all the chaos of trying to get out the door with kids & food. *sigh* It was like any other Thanksgiving. Lots of food, lots of visiting with your family & lots of laughs. I heard stories about you... only the kind of stories people would tell knowing you would never be around to tell your side of the story. They were funny, though. I sure miss you... Thanksgiving was never a huge deal with us, so I'm not sure the lack of your presence affected me the way I thought it would. Christmas, on the other hand, is going to be hard and I know it. Anyways, I guess I'm going to look at gift options for the kids since today is Black Friday. I've sworn off shopping unless I know for sure something is in stock that is a MUST have. Kevin is here, so that is nice. Ashley was here yesterday with Matt & Colton, and that was nice, too. It was almost like having our family back together, except without Lexi and you. I love you! Wishing you were here... 

Love Forever,
~Lisa

Good Gawd...

The ups & downs of trying to be "responsibly intoxicated":
1. Being able to drive yourself home after 2 shots of tequila & 2 tall strong drinks... after not drinking for 3+ weeks.
2. Being able to drink water & not take it any further... accompanied with not doing this very often, and years of earlier experience?
3. Stopping at the gas station on the way home for smokes, being not sober enough to drive and having 3 cop cars sitting there... getting in your car & saying to yourself "Ha! Take that!" to the 'pigs' in the rearview mirror while crankin' 'Fuck Da Police' by N.W.A., while waiting for an obviously broken new traffic light... 10 min. with no cross traffic??? REALLY?!?!.. and finally "blowing it" and going anyways (with 3 said cops in the rearview), and saying "Eff it" while wailing burst-your-eardrums Alice In Chains on the radio.
4. Being able to coherently type this status at 2 AM.

The cons?:
5. Not being able to find a sober cab.
6. Being flirted with by a "so so" guy, to soon realize he is flirting with EVERYONE... and the attractive people being unavailable or unknown.
7. Not being true to ones's self.
8. All of the above and pure 'luck'.
9. The tears that flow as I type.

A day in the life... luckily not one that happens  very often, and risky choices at worst,  and most likely won't happen again - TOO much chance for me. But, now that I'm home safe & sound in my bed, all is well and I shall sleep well. Did I have other options? Yes. Did I make poor choices? Yes. Could things have been worse? MUCH MORE SO. Night is done, and these are the situations that occurred and went through my mind, Point is, would have been MUCH easier as a couple and one or the other being a D.D. I won't do it again...  can say that much. And yes, I was fucking LUCKY as hell!!! Not bragging. Stating facts.

All this? In case anyone was wondering.

Oh dear...

Hello, My Love,

     I know I haven't written in a while... I've been a kind of zombie haze over the past 2 weeks for some reason. I think all of the fun had in October made the bore of November that much more stark in comparison. While things are looking up in fairness (regarding  your estate) for all our kids, I am in a rut. I need MY mechanic now more than ever... and just need you.
     Everything that could go wrong with my car has... amongst other things with your remaining vehicles. Having to rely on the kindness & generosity of your mechanic friends has begun to wear on me. I'm constantly concerned about money, and not wanting to "pester" your friends for help... and everything seems to be going wrong at once.
     The burdens of this house have become too much for me to bear. I should be packing, and repairing things... cleaning it up since I've found out I'll be losing it sooner than later now with the impending short sale. I have no clue where I'll go, or what I'll do. It's all just too much for me to think about or be bothered with.
     There's a guy that likes me, and I went on a date with him. It was a dud... and now he wants to see me again. I'm not excited about it & really would just rather not. He's sweet, smart & MUCH younger than me... but I'm just not "feeling it". I should take advantage, since I have no one else. But, I won't... I've lost interest for the most part. Nobody compares to you... I doubt anyone ever will. But the loneliness really SUCKS.
     The holidays are nearing. I am thankful your mom called to invite us over for Thanksgiving. I was worried I'd have to start a new tradition. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are still up in the air. Nobody has money to come down here (aside from my mom), and my car won't make it up there. :( Anyways... they're gonna suck. I'll try to make them NOT suck for the kids' sake.
     I don't have much else to report or say. This was our planned wedding time... shack time... hunting time. I'm doing none of those things, as much as I'd love to, but they've been weighing heavily on my mind since November began. NOBODY went to the shack this year, and I can't go alone... not that my car would make it. I wanted to spread some ashes there, and just relax & reflect. Maybe later... </3

Much Love,
~Lisa
   

Half a year...

Where has the time gone? I know it doesn't matter to anyone but me, but your kids & everyone else is posting today about it being 6 months. The 1st was 6 months. :( Yes, you were revived and brought back and then gone again on the 3rd. But were you REALLY there for those 2.5 days? I don't know... I just know my nightmare began on the first, and I watched you die twice. I don't think anyone realizes what the first was like, at home. The only one who really knows is Jody... and the EMTs of course. For me, it's better to think of the first as THE day... then I don't have to think about the time spent in the hospital with you, the ups & downs or you not looking like you... the chaos of it all. It is easier for me to accept that when you collapsed & I caught you falling off the couch so you wouldn't hit your head was it. Walking talking & fine one minute, and gone the next. Poof! It's just easier that way. I don't tell the kids or many other people that it was really May 1st, and I'm sure people think I am weird or dumb whenever I post or say anything about the first being "the" day, but unless they ask, I'll just leave things be as they are. *sigh*

I stayed busy ALL month during October. Halloween was a little hard, because you were so much more patient than me taking Franki trick-or-treating. I just wanted it done & over with... she lasted an hour, then we came home. I dressed up as a zombie twice for various events. Went to many events & scary attractions (that weren't really scary). The best was the Mounds Theatre haunted tour. I had hoped you'd follow me & maybe I'd see or hear you through their equipment, but I didn't. I did feel & hear some things, though. Now my plan is to get my own equipment. Maybe it's hokey, and you know I'm a skeptic, but I'll try anything just to hear or contact you somehow. I hope to also find a REAL medium someday who might be able to help me... us? I was told by my stepmom that you are distancing yourself on purpose, so that I won't be so hung up on you & can move on easier... that sounds like bullshit to me. I think I'm doing better than most women in my position have done. And why would you tell or show her that and not me... or anyone else for that matter? Another friend (in Canada whom I've never met) claims you were talking to her one night. Some things seemed legit, but most of it made no sense to me at all. I just don't know what to believe... I want to believe you are here in spirit, but need something more convincing to happen. :(

November is upon us. We would have been married this month... last year, this year, next year... who knows for sure. I thought after the chaos of October had ended, I'd have a little peace and time to reflect. Nope! I want nothing more than to be up at the shack and spread some of your ashes there, and lie in the bed we shared, hike the trails we explored together, eat venison & remember you with the guys. But, that won't happen this year... nobody is there. Nobody plans to go there. I can't do it alone, and it's not a place for the kids. :( I could just cry. My plan for the last 6 months has to go up there as we had planned, and leave a little bit of you there, and reflect upon everything... and now those plans have been squashed. I could go on my own, but I don't know how to run the generator, start the oven, or anything else that one would need to know. *kicking self for not being more independent* Oh well, some things are just out of my control. Maybe next year...

I know my posts have been less frequent than before, and as much as I want to blog & have a record of EVERYTHING, when I am busy, it's hard to find the time or know what to say. I think of you always, but I can't possibly jot down every little thought. You are eternally on my mind and in my heart, and if you are truly here, I hope you know that. I miss you. <3

Forever Yours,
~Lisa

Sometimes

Sometimes, I think it's better if I don't think of you. Other times, I need a little reminder of what "having it made" means. Sometimes, I get in a mood... the kind of mood you would have loved. Tonight, I was in one of these moods... and simultaneously went looking through photos. I'm not sure if it was a good idea, or a bad one. I remembered the things we did together behind closed doors. I remember how sexy I always thought you were. And then I cried. We always had that chemistry. Yeah, I see guys I think are hot, but it's not the same. You always looked at me with longing, loving eyes, regardless of how shitty I looked on any given day. I see couples fighting & drama, and think how glad I am that we never had that... and dread future relationships in fear of that drama. You set the bar. But, when I looked at your photos tonight, I wished that there were more of US. And I think of how unfair it is that whatever forces took you from me. You were my world. I feel lost. I can look at other guys, talk to other guys, make plans with other guys, but I never follow through because I am scared... and I feel like it's "cheating". :( I just want you back. I know that is unrealistic, but can't you come to me in my dreams? Or haunt me as a ghost? ANYTHING. I need answers... and closure. How will I ever look at anyone like I looked at you? And even more puzzling, how will ANY person look at me like you? PLEASE... everyone knows I'm a skeptic, but I want more than anything right now to believe. People say you are here with me... why can't I feel you? </3 Have you moved on to better things? Or are you simply gone? Is all I'll ever have is memories? Are memories enough?

Yours Forever,
~Lisa

5 Months Already?

Well, I don't know where the time has gone. Some days it feels like forever ago, and others feel like it was just yesterday. Time sure is funny, though.

It's been 5 months (actually more) since we last spoke, since he last touched me, kissed me, said he loved me, called me beautiful, made me laugh, enjoyed a good dinner, made love, held hands, went shopping, etc. 5 months... not even half a year. It does seem like a LONG time, though. The most time we ever spent away from each other was a week.

I've been keeping busy, trying to prevent the loneliness hitting me like a ton of bricks. Concerts, Halloween outings, bar nights with family, yard cleanup, bonfires, movies, etc. It hasn't been as bad as I'd expected, though. I am sleeping in our bed for over a week now, and have only cried twice. I cuddle with my pillows & blankies, and it helps comfort me. I feel like I took our relationship for granted. Nobody knows how wonderful & precious moments spent with your soulmate really are... until they are gone. *POOF* I miss all of it... even the not so great moments, because at least we were together. I don't think we ever had "bad" times, except for when it involved our kids, but it was never between the two of us.

The death of a soulmate is not the same as any other death I've experienced. With all the others, it wasn't the same closeness or intimacy level... I never lived with anyone for 10+ years who died. :*( I loved my Grandma & Grandpa who died, but they weren't young and we saw it coming with Gramma. My uncles were great, but I really only saw them a few times a year at family get togethers. We were closer when I was young, but that seems to be an earlier, almost forgotten chapter in my life. This was just too sudden. No time for goodbyes or I love yous... and totally unfair.

We've all seen obese elderly people smoking like chimneys, and so many jerks who live life on the edge... why couldn't this have happened to them? People say Frank's heart attack was because he smoked, or because of his cholesterol levels, or because of his poor (but much enjoyed) eating habits. If that were the case, how come so many people who do so much worse are still here? I'd prefer to think that it was because it was meant to be & predetermined from a very early age. He was a preemie in the early 70s... not as much medical knowledge or know how as there is in this day & age. He weighed only a pound at times, and they almost lost him in those first couple of months... touch & go the whole time. He had pneumonia quite often as a child & teenager. As a young adult, he had a collapsed lung. In the time that I was blessed with in his life, he had mysterious (undiagnosed) shingles type illnesses & weird reactions to sunlight every spring. Three years before the heart attack, he was told he was in a pre-diabetic state... research told us that within 5 years there was a 95% probability that it would turn into diabetes, regardless of precautions. Maybe he had diabetes & we just were blind to the symptoms. Maybe he felt unwell, but was too much of a man to say anything. He always said he knew he would die young, but he was thinking somewhere between 60 and 70. We were robbed of 20 - 30 years then. :( Just the preemie issues would probably be enough to shorten his lifespan, but they didn't say that back then... or maybe they did, but only in the circles of the medical profession. We'll never know for sure I guess, but to blame it on smoking or diet seems ridiculous. I'm sure those things contributed, but they weren't solely responsible for what happened. He enjoyed life in a clean & respectable way. He was never fat and was always fit from being a mechanic for 20 years. Anyways...

I know everyone & everything says he died on May 3rd... but really? It was May 1st. :( I was there... they brought him back. I didn't know it when it happened, but that IS what really happened. I watched him die twice, and I really HATE the D word. Time to research an alternative (and poetic) euphemism for "death". *cringe*