Now what?

Your birthday came & went with a few tears shed.
Now my birthday is here. I wonder what it will bring? 

I can't help but feel nostalgic & wistful. Our birthdays
were 8 days apart, and we were always all together
as a family. I don't feel like celebrating, and I doubt
I will get any invites to do anything as it is... yet I don't
want to be alone. The loneliness is unbearable...

Tonight, while changing in the bedroom, I spotted an
odd object on the floor, behind your big angel. It was
not there yesterday when I was looking in the mirror,
and as anal as my mother is about cleaning, there's no
way she would have missed it either. Upon further in-
spection, I realized it was a gun lock... with the key
hanging out of it. My initial reaction was "What the
hell?!?" I played with it for a while, trying to figure out
how it worked. My next thought, which I said out loud
to Morgan was "I think Frank's fucking with me!" and
I showed it to her & explained what it was and where
I found it. My last thought before putting it down were
disturbing thoughts... like maybe it was a sign, or that
maybe if you did put it there, maybe you'd like me to
join you in the afterlife or the in-between (if they even
exist). My head hurts thinking about it. I could never
do that & leave our kids orphans. My heart hurts even
worse at the thought of how that would turn out. I just
could NEVER do any such thing. But I can't help but
wonder where it came from, and why it was in the mid-
dle of our floor...

Anyways, I'm off to bed now. I'm sure I'll wake up to
hundreds of birthday wishes on my facebook wall, and
honestly, I could care less. NOT interested. I would
just as soon skip tomorrow all together. :'( The only
thing I want is you back in my life. </3

Wake Me Up When September Ends,

~Lisa

Party

Well, our party went all day & all night. It was nice to see your dad, aunts, uncle & cousin. I wish Robyn & your mom could have come, but Robyn had plans in advance & your mom didn't feel like celebrating. All your kids were here, and a few friends from work & the good ole days came as well.

Prior to the party, I picked up two custom cakes, one for Franki & one for you... on the way home, Pink Floyd's 'Wish You Were Here' came on the radio. I cried a little bit... what a fitting thing to think of at the time.

We had a fire, and when it was dark, we decided to light up some sky lanterns (Chinese Wishing Lanterns) and the one Ashley let go, landed on a neighbors roof. Kevin saved the day & jumped the fence to go tell them, but nobody answered the door... so he found their hose in their yard & put it out. LOL! There's never a dull moment around here. Are you playing jokes on us? Hmm...

Anyways, I really do wish you were here. I miss everything we used to do, even if it was nothing at all, at least we had each other & were together. :( Life is lonely now. Friends don't look at me or treat me the same as they used to. Family (aside from my own) only come around for special events... don't call or write or stop by. It's sad. Anyways...

Today Ashley is moving out & in with her new boyfriend. I hope things work out, but I don't think he is "the one" for her... but what do I know? We were always just "dumb" parents who didn't know anything. *sigh*

I love you... miss you... wish you were here. I am back in our bedroom, and back in my bed. Only one night spent there alone, though... Sheri was here this weekend & shared it with me. Tonight will be night 2 alone in it. I've rearranged the bedroom, though... trying to make it "different" and new. My mom cleaned it for me... I started on it weeks ago, but am very slow (as we always were). It's nice. Sleeps 4 - 6 with 2 Queen beds. I could have a sit-in... like the dirty hippie that I am. XD

Forever,
~Lisa

Forever Forty

Happy Birthday, my love. I love you & miss you and am trying hard to NOT think of this situation, but it's REALLY hard. Our baby girl turns 10... her first birthday without her dear daddy to share it with. I can't help but shed a few tears for our broken family. </3

So much hurt, so many tears...

I'm guessing all the tears that have fallen just over the past week could easily fill a pint sized mason jar. I don't know why... nothing I can think of has triggered this immense grief. My heart hurts... even thought I was having a heart attack & went into the ER on Labor Day. It wasn't... not sure if it was a panic attack or anxiety or the PTSD, but it seemed to come out of nowhere. I've been taking more & more Xanax each day, which helps a LITTLE, but not enough.

Today I thought about "moving on" again... and then just burst into tears out of guilt, shame & knowing deep down that nobody could EVER love me like Frank did. EVER. But, I am SO fucking lonely. So I go through old photos & slideshows and see that beautiful face, those piercing blue eyes, see how happy we were and realize how much I want to TOUCH him & feel him again... just hear him say "I love you" or call me "honey" or "baby" or see him smile at me, and I find myself sobbing so hard, I'm bordering on hyperventilating. Of course, I can't do this around kids... and now that they're back in school, I'll have MUCH more time to spend with myself & call out the ghost of Frank that never shows his face or makes a peep. So tired of crying... it's not really a release. Crying makes me feel like shit... literally SICK. I hate it. And I hate feeling "weak"... 'cause let's face it, nobody's gonna come save me or even bother to help me!!!

People act like they care, say that they care, seem genuinely concerned... but then NEVER call, never email or message, never stop by. If I make an effort to go see people he knew & considered friends, it's always awkward. So, I'm not going to bother anymore. I give up. If people truly cared, they'd be there... check in... invite me out. So what if it's weird or uncomfortable to be around me? Fucking pretend! That's how I get through each day (most of the time). And if I break down or cry? So what? I have every right & it's normal. Whatever, though... if you can't take me as I am now, then you're not worth my time or effort. Period. I am saddened that those people that Frank loved, liked & cared about have all but disappeared. I wonder how disappointed he'd be if he were watching all this unfold? Everyone has moved on in their lives... people are making plans, dating, getting engaged, having babies, working... but nobody is burying anyone they love & everyone else seems to have stopped grieving, so I really have nothing in common with anyone anymore. On one hand it says & shows who loved him the most & most deeply on ANY level... on the other hand, I can't comprehend anyone NOT loving him (or his family) enough, so then I get pissed about how much time Frank wasted on other people... the people who only called when they needed vehicular advice, or their cars fixed or some other chore... fuck 'em all (even if they are family - family doesn't mean the same to them as it does to me & my family). All that time wasted on THEM, could have been spent with me & OUR family. What a waste. It almost makes me want to vomit. So yeah... I'm hurt & angry, and have every right to be.

My heart hurts. Even if there is nothing wrong with it, it hurts like hell. I see a photo of him, or hear a certain song or have some memory, and my heart LITERALLY feels like it does a somersault. Today a song by Avenged Sevenfold came on the radio... something I had heard before, had no interest in & never paid attention to (a song that normally prompts me to change the station)... and it made me cry. Was it a sad song? Not particularly. I don't know why... some word or emotion in it got me going. THEN... when I was done with that little private drama, a few minutes later a new Black Keys song came on. Frank LOVED the Black Keys. This song was probably never heard by Frank... but it was different, but distinctly Black Keys. It had a dark tone, and while I'm not a HUGE fan of this band, it also made me cry. Frank would have loved it, and something about it was sad... or something. 

Here's the two songs...
The Black Keys is a ROCK song (which is where I always
hear it - on 93X), but not until about 2 minutes into it:

And here's the dumb A7X song that made me weep. WTF?

Dear Frank,
I really wish you were here & I could talk to you. You'd have the answers I need, and our youngest & I wouldn't feel so effing abandoned & alone. :'( None of this is fair, and feelings are hurt. Yes, I know what YOU wanted... but it doesn't seem to make a difference what your intentions were. I'll never forget, though. I'll make sure nobody forgets. If things don't happen as they should, and people don't do what is RIGHT, I'll be sure to let Franki know when she is old enough to understand EXACTLY how you wanted things done & what you had planned. It's pretty ironic (and disgusting) that EVERYONE who was close to you knows what you wanted... it's all in the paperwork & straight from the mouth of your financial advisor, but because you never saw the letter, because that dumb fuck didn't have the paperwork with him when he met with you, not only will it NOT happen the way you wanted it, your own daughter, your youngest, will be disincluded, too?!?! *SO FUCKING PISSED* So, something to the tune of 20K (or more) is going to go into the hands of one kid now (who is already making FOOLISH and impulsive decisions), and 2 more when they are 18... but not Franki Jade!!!

I love you with all my heart, and I love all our kids & our family, but if they cut Franki out of what was RIGHTFULLY hers, it is pretty much the same as saying she wasn't really your daughter, and if that happens, they can all kiss my ass. And when she asks me when she's older why she never saw them, I'll be sure to tell her... and I'll show her the forms you had filled out, and what you wanted, and how everyone went against it so she'll know it wasn't YOU.

I just want you back. These things wouldn't even be happening if you were still here. I'm thankful for every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year that I had with you, but it just wasn't enough. Franki, Morgan and I are being cast out & forgotten by your family, your friends & anyone who mattered. I hate feeling worthless, and you always made me feel loved and important. </3

Missing You Terribly,
~Lisa

Profound Lyrical Content

How did I love you? There was no measuring...
Far above this dirty world, far above everything.

But for seven years (more like eleven), you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns around your feet
For seven years (again, eleven), I bowed down to touch the ground,
so wholly your devotee

You were all that I could see

~Natalie Merchant, 7 years

Empty spaces fill me up with holes

Distant faces with no place left to go

Without you within me I can't find no rest

Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I tried to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on

But I am swimming in an ocean all alone

Baby, my baby

I'd try to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go

I don’t wanna make you face this world alone

I wanna let you go (alone)

I'd try to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

~Backstreet Boys, Incomplete

*Exhale*

I find myself more & more lonely, even though I've been spending more & more time with family & friends. I don't get it. I understand this is normal, but I HATE it with a passion!!!

I've decided (kind of anyways) that I NEED someone... I need a companion. I do not want a boyfriend or a lover or anything of that sort, but I crave companionship & adult conversation. Nobody will ever replace Frank... EVER, and I would never even want that. Frank IS/WAS my soulmate, and I know I will never feel differently. But, I meet people... I know people... not many friends outside of my old friends who live far away, but it's not the same. I've met men, and said "Oh they're cute!" but have NO desire to pursue ANYTHING with any of them. Judging by how I am treated by other "friends" and acquaintances, it's like I have the plague and people just avoid me. While I realize it might be awkward for these "friends" to be around or talk to or call or visit me, I am still a human being!!! I am hurt by the actions (or lack thereof) by our so-called "friends" and "family". So, obviously I need to make new "friends"... friends with something in common with me.

I'll admit, I HAVE met some guys while out & about. However, they were fucking downright CREEPY. When they outright asked me WHY I wasn't interested in them or WHY I didn't think they were "cute" I blurted out "I'm a fucking widow." Well, I've found that THAT little statement pretty much scares them away! I guess it is good for SOMETHING... ? :S On the other hand, when telling people "a little about myself" and bringing up Frank, I get the same reaction... from people I'd genuinely be interested in getting to know better! WTH?

I hope that when I finally join the young widows & widowers support group, that everything will change and I will actually meet people that have something in common with me. Only a few more weeks...

School starts soon, and I think the loneliness will REALLY set in. I've got companion personal ads out there, but still seem to attract sex fiends & creepers. At least I find out right away & can block them and move on. So far, everyone seems WEIRD or fake. I find it hard to believe that it's SO hard to meet decent people online... after all, it's EXACTLY how Frank and I came to be (in a round about way)!!! *sigh*

The worst part is the physical wants & needs. I know they, too, are "normal". But when I feel them, I feel guilty... like a cheater! And that's just THINKING! I worry that if I DID meet someone or acted upon some primal desire, I would end up in tears... or just walk away & never look back. I know that would freak a person out as well. Is it weird to want to look for a friend, with the possibility of benefits, but no desire for a LTR or "love" and actually spell that out to people? I find that honesty is the best policy, but I still feel like a freak for saying, thinking & feeling the things I do. :( Maybe I should consider myself lucky that I can rid my body of these "urges" in 30 seconds or less... although, I still end up crying like a bitch afterwards for whatever reason... or maybe multiple reasons? Who knows... maybe I am really losing my marbles.

Everything I read says everything I am feeling & going through is normal. I don't want to be "normal". I just want to be loved... in the way that ONLY Frank ever loved me. </3