I know it's been a while since I've been here. Truthfully, I'm not out of things to say but I've run out of words & ways to express my feelings. So, now I sit and wait for the grief part to kick in... I mean, it's always here, but I mean tears & sobs. So far? Not much. That alone makes me sad.
Right now I'm in this process of trying to figure out who I am without you & what I want to do with my life, and where I want to be. I just don't know yet. I really don't want to do anything. Things were fine the way they were, and I was content and happy with our life. But now it's my life, and it's going to be a struggle.
Tonight, something just struck me after seeing something in a movie. When we were together, life was a literally a blur. I don't remember specific things or every little thing we did or where we went. I never noticed new people or made any close friends, because I had you. YOU made me happy. Other people were just not important. I mean, family was and is important to us, but I'm talking about outsiders... "friends". I was perfectly content with our relationship, and it was enough. Spending time together was all that mattered. When it was just you & me, NOTHING else really mattered or I was oblivious to it all. Maybe all great loves are like that. Hell if I know. I just know that nothing was more enjoyable than when we were doing things together, and it didn't matter what. When I think of the things that made us so connected, my knees, thighs & ears get hot and my head feels light, airy and empty. Fuzzy? I call these feelings "the warm & fuzzies" in fact. But that's what it's like. Weird... Now I feel like I am hyper aware of a lot of things, but still have no sort of memory or attention span, and if I look at my life from the outside, everything is very surreal.
I try to acknowledge you daily, even if it is in my own little way. I look at your photos on my dresser and smile. Something funny will happen or a song will come on the radio and I am reminded of you. I suppose it will always be like that on some level, and I am okay with that. I still feel as if I have nobody I can relate to. I'm in the grief support group again, but still have made no connections with anyone. Maybe I will just always feel like the odd man out. Most of the time, I think that only my therapist gets me, and that's because she's lived through this, too. I picked up a book & began to read it last week. I felt like the author "got me", too... she also had a similar story. I cried through the few chapters I read, and just wish I could find one person, a friend in real life that I could make that would "get me". Maybe someday. Sick of feeling like an outsider...
I am still waiting for you in my dreams and in spirit to make your presence known. The last dream I had of you was NOT a nice one at all, and I wish I'd never had it or remembered it. No more of those, please! :( Just wish we could have a 2 way conversation, instead of the 1 way types I have in my head or out loud when nobody is around. I'm sure you'd be glad to not be present during these past few weeks. Too much drama, and most of it out of my control. :(
I also wonder about heaven. I wonder if it exists, and know that's where you'd be if it was real. I wish you could tell me about it and explain to me all the things I've ever been skeptical about. Because, if heaven is where you are, then that's where I want to go, too someday... and right now, I don't think I'd go there if I died tomorrow. There are just too many unanswered questions...
Anyways. I <3 you.
Always,
~Lisa
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