Now what?

Your birthday came & went with a few tears shed.
Now my birthday is here. I wonder what it will bring? 

I can't help but feel nostalgic & wistful. Our birthdays
were 8 days apart, and we were always all together
as a family. I don't feel like celebrating, and I doubt
I will get any invites to do anything as it is... yet I don't
want to be alone. The loneliness is unbearable...

Tonight, while changing in the bedroom, I spotted an
odd object on the floor, behind your big angel. It was
not there yesterday when I was looking in the mirror,
and as anal as my mother is about cleaning, there's no
way she would have missed it either. Upon further in-
spection, I realized it was a gun lock... with the key
hanging out of it. My initial reaction was "What the
hell?!?" I played with it for a while, trying to figure out
how it worked. My next thought, which I said out loud
to Morgan was "I think Frank's fucking with me!" and
I showed it to her & explained what it was and where
I found it. My last thought before putting it down were
disturbing thoughts... like maybe it was a sign, or that
maybe if you did put it there, maybe you'd like me to
join you in the afterlife or the in-between (if they even
exist). My head hurts thinking about it. I could never
do that & leave our kids orphans. My heart hurts even
worse at the thought of how that would turn out. I just
could NEVER do any such thing. But I can't help but
wonder where it came from, and why it was in the mid-
dle of our floor...

Anyways, I'm off to bed now. I'm sure I'll wake up to
hundreds of birthday wishes on my facebook wall, and
honestly, I could care less. NOT interested. I would
just as soon skip tomorrow all together. :'( The only
thing I want is you back in my life. </3

Wake Me Up When September Ends,

~Lisa