Profound Lyrical Content

How did I love you? There was no measuring...
Far above this dirty world, far above everything.

But for seven years (more like eleven), you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns around your feet
For seven years (again, eleven), I bowed down to touch the ground,
so wholly your devotee

You were all that I could see

~Natalie Merchant, 7 years

Empty spaces fill me up with holes

Distant faces with no place left to go

Without you within me I can't find no rest

Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I tried to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on

But I am swimming in an ocean all alone

Baby, my baby

I'd try to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go

I don’t wanna make you face this world alone

I wanna let you go (alone)

I'd try to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

~Backstreet Boys, Incomplete

*Exhale*

I find myself more & more lonely, even though I've been spending more & more time with family & friends. I don't get it. I understand this is normal, but I HATE it with a passion!!!

I've decided (kind of anyways) that I NEED someone... I need a companion. I do not want a boyfriend or a lover or anything of that sort, but I crave companionship & adult conversation. Nobody will ever replace Frank... EVER, and I would never even want that. Frank IS/WAS my soulmate, and I know I will never feel differently. But, I meet people... I know people... not many friends outside of my old friends who live far away, but it's not the same. I've met men, and said "Oh they're cute!" but have NO desire to pursue ANYTHING with any of them. Judging by how I am treated by other "friends" and acquaintances, it's like I have the plague and people just avoid me. While I realize it might be awkward for these "friends" to be around or talk to or call or visit me, I am still a human being!!! I am hurt by the actions (or lack thereof) by our so-called "friends" and "family". So, obviously I need to make new "friends"... friends with something in common with me.

I'll admit, I HAVE met some guys while out & about. However, they were fucking downright CREEPY. When they outright asked me WHY I wasn't interested in them or WHY I didn't think they were "cute" I blurted out "I'm a fucking widow." Well, I've found that THAT little statement pretty much scares them away! I guess it is good for SOMETHING... ? :S On the other hand, when telling people "a little about myself" and bringing up Frank, I get the same reaction... from people I'd genuinely be interested in getting to know better! WTH?

I hope that when I finally join the young widows & widowers support group, that everything will change and I will actually meet people that have something in common with me. Only a few more weeks...

School starts soon, and I think the loneliness will REALLY set in. I've got companion personal ads out there, but still seem to attract sex fiends & creepers. At least I find out right away & can block them and move on. So far, everyone seems WEIRD or fake. I find it hard to believe that it's SO hard to meet decent people online... after all, it's EXACTLY how Frank and I came to be (in a round about way)!!! *sigh*

The worst part is the physical wants & needs. I know they, too, are "normal". But when I feel them, I feel guilty... like a cheater! And that's just THINKING! I worry that if I DID meet someone or acted upon some primal desire, I would end up in tears... or just walk away & never look back. I know that would freak a person out as well. Is it weird to want to look for a friend, with the possibility of benefits, but no desire for a LTR or "love" and actually spell that out to people? I find that honesty is the best policy, but I still feel like a freak for saying, thinking & feeling the things I do. :( Maybe I should consider myself lucky that I can rid my body of these "urges" in 30 seconds or less... although, I still end up crying like a bitch afterwards for whatever reason... or maybe multiple reasons? Who knows... maybe I am really losing my marbles.

Everything I read says everything I am feeling & going through is normal. I don't want to be "normal". I just want to be loved... in the way that ONLY Frank ever loved me. </3

These feelings...

I wish I could control them, but I simply cannot. The benefit brought in enough funds to keep us here for a couple or a few more months, depending on how things go. The money is put away safely JUST for house payments.

My next biggest worry is trying to raise & save enough money for a proper memorial/marker. Of course, I want only the best for you and the most affordable one that seems like a realistic goal is $3,500. The one I REALLY wanted was $30,000. O_o

I'm trying to get cars in shape for whenever something is decided about what to do with them. Of course, I'd like to keep them all... I feel like they're the few pieces of YOU that I have left to hang onto. I leave your socks under the couch & our bedroom is the disaster that it always was... I just don't sleep there anymore, and can't bring myself to go through & sort things. :'(

I can't stop thinking of dates... past dates, present dates & future dates. All of the could've, should've, would'ves just break my heart. On April 22, just a week and a day before this nightmare began, we went to Fleet Farm & you bought a new battery for the lawnmower... but you never even got to mow it. We renewed our fishing licenses, but you never got to throw the line again. Your birthday is swiftly approaching, along with our youngest child's, and I just can't BEAR to think how that might turn out. She has already said that she wants a half & half cake... half for her, half for you. </3 She'll be 10 already... you'd be 41.

I got my first tattoo since the dragon symbol you bought for me 5, 8 years ago? It's an infinity symbol with your name & "love" written into it. It's not the last one that I will get in your memory... it's just a matter of money & time.

I keep hearing these songs on the radio, that make me think of you... they aren't or weren't even songs we liked or had, but they trigger the tears... Colby Callait's 'I Never Told You' lyrics "I miss those blue eyes. how you kiss me at night, I miss the way we sleep, like there's no sunrise,  like the taste of your smile, I miss the way we breathe... *insert some other words here*... and now I miss everything about you..." and that one by Pink, 'Who Knew?' "I'll keep you locked in my head, until we meet again... if someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out, 'cause they're all wrong, and that last kiss, I'll cherish, until we meet again, and time makes it harder, I wish I could remember, but I keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep, my darling, who knew, my darling, I miss you, who knew... " </3

Some of our children have been selfish & rotten lately. If I try to state things or just inform them of some important fact that could be life altering, I am cut off and the subject is rudely changed, and I am ignored. If I try to be in control, make plans to do something, I am told they are disincluding themselves, even though they are NOT adults. I don't think wanting a week (or even a month) away from Lakeville is too much to ask, especially with school creeping up on us, just around the corner. I need my family. They are the ONLY ones who give two shits. I didn't inherit your friends, or they are not the kind of friends I had hoped for. They loved you... I was part of the package deal. Now you're gone, and oh well to everyone we know. No calls to see how I am doing, no visits to just say hi, no messages of encouragement on facebook or email... It hurts. I feel like everyone has someone to go to, to lean on, and I have NOBODY. I had you. There was never a backup plan, and why would I plan for something like this? I have never felt more unloved, lonesome  & disconnected from the world than I have this past week. :(

Although I'm not suicidal (I could NEVER do that to my family or children), I do sometimes wonder if I'd be better off dead. I wish I had gone instead of you. I wonder what the point of everything is, and see NO meaning in life aside from making sure our youngest child turns out okay. You were the better half of us. I'm empty, hollow, half the person I was a few months ago. I don't know who I am, and I honestly feel like I am NOTHING without you. I never was a great mom, but I tried. I feel like the only thing I was ever good at was doing things with or being with you. I've honestly forgotten most of my life before I met you, aside from a bunch of meaningless relationships (if you could even call them that) and partying a lot. Our relationship was awesome, and we never fought. Most people couldn't be so lucky. I cherish & treasure that, and honestly feel that everyone should be jealous of what we had (have?). That doesn't mean that I don't have any regrets... no chance to say goodbye, no time to do all the things we planned to do & never got to do (yet), and now I just don't want to do anything. I've considered drinking away my sorrows like a lot of people do, but that doesn't work for me... I feel even more lonely. *sigh*

Anyways, I needed to purge. I guess this will always be the way I try to connect or put my feelings into words, as long as I can type. Trying to say them out loud leaves me a blubbering fool. I cry in front of my therapist, but not really in front of anyone else. I'm a phony & a fake... and I hate myself and my life.

If you are reading this, or reading my mind as I am typing, and truly are beside us, it'd be super awesome if you could knock some common sense & selflessness into our oldest girls. I KNOW you would be disappointed & disgusted with their behavior as of late, and I've said that out loud to their faces. Unfortunately, it hasn't changed a damn thing. It's like since I've been alone, they'll just do whatever they want. I am just a powerless nobody.

I love you. Always have. Always will. Forever & ever until the end of time, times infinity and beyond. Words will NEVER be able to completely express my love for you.

XOXO,
~Lisa 

Dear Frank,

WHERE ARE YOU? People have told me you are here with me, but you are distancing yourself so that I can move forward & not hang onto you... and us. :( I don't WANT that right now, and I am not ready for that. I have not yet properly mourned! I haven't seen you in my dreams nor have we spoken in them for many weeks now... so sad. I'm SO lonely without you. I thought after you were gone, maybe I would inherit your friends and family. I was wrong. Nobody calls (except your parents & sister). Nobody emails, or asks how I am doing on facebook. I feel unloved & forgotten... unimportant...

Anyways, after Babe's & your friends dropped the ball with the benefit planning, Fiona, my mom, Robyn, me & the kids picked it up... with less than two weeks before the big event. We pulled it off & I'd say it was a success. I met people who knew you & everyone loved you SO much. It was overwhelming for me, too. I wanted to be a wallflower & just watch how it went, but that didn't happen. As always, I felt like it was my own family who was there for me. I wish every family was like ours... maybe that's why we did more with my family? I think we both got something from them that we never could get anywhere else. For example, I sent a flyer to your grandma and asked that she forward the information onto your aunts & uncles, and your dad knew about it, too. NOBODY showed up except your dad. Your favorite grandpa's family was in St. Paul for a family reunion that same day/weekend, and none of them came by either. I can't understand it at all. Do they not care about your surviving children? They are family, too! I'll just never understand...

PLEASE come to see my & talk to me in my dreams again SOON. Or if you are here, show yourself somehow! I still love you like I did yesterday... and for so many years before. :(

Forever Yours,
~Lisa